Patrick the Angry, Angry Viewer

NEW LOCATION!

2008-03-28T09:43:00.001-07:00

GO TO THE NEW SITE!

http://www.angrypatrick.com

Trust me you, it is much more fun than loping the mule on your lunch break. Besides, your coworkers are sick of the noise.

I WANT YOUR VOTE!

2007-11-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

Hello, maybe you know me. I'm Patrick the Angry, Angry Viewer and I need your vote.

As none of the candidates so far have shown any creativity, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States.

What will I do that no one else will?

I will fix healthcare, social security and terrorism with one move.

Quite simply: I will eliminate Paris Hilton.

Killing Paris will improve healthcare by saving billions of dollars in insurance claims for antibiotics.

After we whack Paris Hilton, I expect her assets can fund Social Security until 2099.

And, we will finally beat al Quaeda because I am fully convinced Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Paris Hilton’s vagina.

If you believe I am a candidate you can believe in, please support the campaign by purchasing official Patrick for President Campaign Gear @ www.cafepress.com/angrypatrick or by donation @ http://www.coreyandjayshow.com/Angry11-02-07.html

Stalking Pays Off

2007-10-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Damn that Burger King guy!

You've seen the commercials where he just shows up at someone's window with some kind of breakfast sandwich that actually causes your arteries to harden AS you eat it. Nonetheless, as I have preached and preached and preached....you can even be a creepy, no talking freak but if you show up at enough windows with food, some girl is gonna go for it.

But how did he get to Jessica frickin' Alba's window? I tried and I got hit 8 times with a taser before I could get across her fence. I bet he gave the guards a bunch of Whoppers with cheese. Bastard. I would have brought over a grill and slaughtered cattle in her yard all day long if she would have just asked. I bet that pansy ass Burger King stalker never even took on a long horned steer. Phony ass, son of a .....

Oh wait....that's not the BK guy. That's Shrek.... errr, Austin Powers....errrr....some damn Mike Myers character. I still stand by everything I said. He probably brought her fat ass some food. Gobble it down Jessica McFatty. I bet if I cut you that gravy would come out. You disgust me. But, if you call me, I might take all that back and say you are really pretty.

Who Wants to be Abused?

2007-10-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

I want you listeners to get behind a wonderful charity that’s near and dear to my heart. I’m talking about the Patrick the Needy, Needy Viewer fund. The fact is, this station is too damned cheap to pay me so I’m Broker than a boatload of Cuban refugees. !00% of every donation you make goes to support my pathetic lifestyle. Your donation helps with things like a new set of hubcaps for my Sunfire, a computer with something more current than Windows 98, underwear without holes in the ass or maybe just a pack of ramen noodles so I don’t become the Hungry, Hungry Viewer. And it’s so easy to help! When you log on to Corey and Jay’s website to listen to my rants you’ll see the donation button right there. As an added bonus, for every donation made I will send you personalized verbal abuse via email. Donations over $20 will be assaulted via telephone. Imagine telling your friends that The Angry Viewer abused you. What a proud moment. Don’t be a cheap bastard. Help me today. Paypal is standing by. http://www.coreyandjayshow.com/ANGRYINDEX.html

The Kid is Doomed

2007-10-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

This one has my temper shorter than Dennis Kusinich in a booster seat at Shoneys. Let’s all congratulate Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and his girlfriend who just had a baby boy. His name? Everly Bear.

The Pepper singer said, “It came to me by way of the Everly Brothers, which is one of my favorite bands,” His girlfriend, Heather Christie “came up with Bear. And Kiedis said, “That made sense to me because he’s from me and I feel like I’m part of the bear clan.”

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

Bear Clan? I hate to break it to you, Anthony, but you’re not even hairy. I wish to God I didn’t know that but during your 20 year career the only person with more naked appearances than you is Jenna Jameson. Speaking of Jenna, saying your part of the Bear Clan makes about as much sense as me saying I’m part of the Porn Star Clan. I mean, other than the fact that I’m hung like a tic tac and my endurance is just a little shorter than the time it takes to make toast I fit right in.

And is that really the best name you could come up with? Why didn’t you and Heather just name the kid Bong Hit or Acid Trip because apparently that’s what you were doing when you named him Everly Bear. Come on, you’re a frickin’ rocker, dude. That name’s gayer than Richard Simmons gym shorts. Damn, what were the runner ups? Toodles McRopesmoker? Clay Aiken Jr? Well get ready for a lot of trips to the ER because Everly Bear is destined to spend his playground life getting hit more times than Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I’m setting my DVR to record COPS 18 years from now just so I can watch a grown up Everly Bear whip your ass.

Well, congratulations on the new baby anyway, dumbass

Kirsten Shreds For YOU!

2007-10-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Kirsten Dunst said, “Action movies entail sitting in a trailer all day and not doing anything. You get there at six in the morning, you get all dressed up, put your make-up on and it seeps into your pores all day long and it's really boring. I always have a lot of action in these films, and I don't like it.”

Boy I understand that. It must really suck to spend three months not doing very much and getting paid about SIX MILLION DOLLARS!

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

You’re complaining about getting paid to sit in an air conditioned trailer and do nothing all day. Hell, Corey and Jay have been doing that for years and you don’t here them complaining. Lemme tell you something, for six million dollars I’d be willing to spend the entire three months with my lips superglued to the director’s ass. I’d just ask to be released an hour each week so I could work over a pack or two of Dentyne Ice before I puckered up again.

And how the hell could you say you have nothing to do. Here’s an idea: Maybe everyone on the set could swing by when they have some downtime and you could use that isosceles triangle factory in the middle of your face to shred all of their old documents. Or maybe you could get in about 8 hours a day gnawing lumber for the set builders. Or how about this: Why don’t you shut that flappin’ cakehole before you say something else that's basically the equivalent of squattin down and unloading the Lincoln logs all over your audience.

Lindsay's Broke

2007-10-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

This one has me more rattled than Rudy Giuliani at a Promise Keeper’s Rally. According to News of the World, In the past year, Lindsay Lohan has reportedly blown $7 million and is now completely broke.

Lindsay wasted $1 million on a year's stay at the Chateau Marmont hotel, $70,000 on tanning, $1 million on clothes, $500,000 on partying, $350,000 on cars, and $137,000 on her three trips to rehab.

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

How the hell can you could spend $70,000 on tanning? The only way you should be able to get close to that is if you were hitching a ride with NASA and laying out on the wing of the frickin’ space shuttle. And a million dollars on clothes? Have you seen the way she dresses? She must be getting ripped off because wherever she’s shopping doesn’t even supply enough fabric to cover her oval office. And you might think the least they could do is throw in a frickin’ bra every once in a while. Then again, maybe she’s buying her clothes from a Columbian cartel that weaves them out of 100% pure coca leaves. That way after she takes her shirt off, she can just chop it up and snort it. As a matter of fact, as much blow as she’s done she’s probably number one on the Drug Lord Christmas Card list.

Which brings me to her bill for rehab. Hell, that thing’s bigger than the entire gross national product of Zimbabwe and I still don’t think she’s really sober. But I have an idea about how to find out! I bet if you went out to Hollywood at about midnight and set up a giant mousetrap but instead of cheese you put a pile of uncut cocaine on it… when the sun came up you’d find ole Lindsay snapped in half with her nose about a half inch from the pile with a giant smile on her face. At least she would have died doing what she loved.

But, the good news for Lindsay is that a paycheck is probably in her near future since she just started filming her new movie Dare to Love Me about a legendary tango dancer from Buenos Aires. Dare to Love Me is the name of the movie? Do I really even need a punchline there? Dare is right. Because on your way to love her you better dare to hold up the convenience store for every condom they have or you’ll end up with something Terminix can’t get rid of. And whoever you are, stay away from the giant mouse trap.

That's wierd...

2007-10-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

What in the heck is Lindsay Lohan doing with that guy from Criminal Minds. You know, the one with a chick's name....Mandy, or Mangie or whatever. I bet she thinks he really is a criminal profiler and she just asked him to find the person who stole her blow while she was in rehab. Here's how I think the conversation went:

Lindsay: Dude, like I know you are a supergenius and can track down any criminal. I need your help cuz somebody stole my effing blow and I effing need that effing stuff and I need it fast.

Criminal Minds dude: Yeah, Lindsay, see (exhasperated sigh)...I just play that role on TV. I also was in Elmo in Grouchland but I'm not really a bad guy.

Lindsay: Ooooooh. I loved that movie. I bet Mr. Snuffalufagus is seriously packing some man meat. But...really, come on, I need your help. Who do you think took my blow?

Criminal Minds dude: Ummmmm, Lindsay, (uncontrollable snicker), Mr. Snuffalufagus is a puppet.

Lindsay: Oh shit. For real? Wow. Wait, are you gonna try and tell me Big Bird is not real either because I'm not buying that bullshit. Quit effing with me, dude, and use your profiler skills to help. Now, who do you think took my blow.

Criminal Minds dude: If I tell you my hunch will you promise to never, ever, ever call me again?

Lindsay: (scratches own cooter, looks thoughtful) Sure.

Criminal Minds dude: I think it was your mom.

Lindsay: I knew it! That whore! She takes everything! She stole my last two boyfriends and my best lip gloss, too. I will kill that bitch!

CORRECTION: The man in the picture is ACTUALLY her dad. My mistake, yet, I still think the conversation went almost exactly the same.

Ja Rule is a Ja Idiot

2007-09-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

This one has me more fired up than that bag of poop I keep putting on my neighbor’s front porch. Just to be able tell you about this one I have to do a little creative editing. So, everytime Ja Rule says the “F-word” I’m gonna replace it with some version of Michael Vick’s name.

At a congressional hearing about how African American women are portrayed in rap music, hip hop star, Ja Rule had this to say, “. Let’s talk about all these Vicking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this shit," he went on to say. "Dating shows that's showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about shit like that! If that's not Vicking up America, I don't know what is."

Are you Vickin’ kidding me? I’ll tell you one thing that’s Vicking up America. Your grammar skills. If you’re subject and verb agreements were any farther apart they’d be Paris Hilton’s legs. With grammar that bad you just might have what it takes to be the next president. And, while I’m on the subject, I hope I’m not goin’ too far out on a limb here but you talkin’ like Vicking Scarface might be something that affects your kids a little more than the gay MTV.

Here’s what I imagine a Ja Rule father-son evening sounds like. Hey son, nice job on that MichaelVicking math test. By the way, what you watchin’? Oh Vick. Wait a Vicking minute. Is that that Vicking MTV show with all those Vicking gay people? We got to Vicking get rid of those MichaleVicking Vickwads. Now, turn that Vicking TV off, Vickhead and go get daddy his Vicking weed so he can calm the Vick down. How the Vick am I supposed to Vicking raise some good MichaleVicking kids? “

Yeah, Ja Rule. I couldn’t agree more. It’s those homosexuals messing everything up. By the way, Britney Spears just called and she thinks you might be setting a bad example for your kids. Assclown.

Bring on the Predator, baby!

2007-09-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Former Playboy pin up Denise Richards has accused her ex, actor Charlie Sheen, of being addicted to porn and exposing his private parts on sleazy internet sex sites. Denise says that ole Charlie sent a picture of his “penis” to at least 30 women on "hook-up" sites and this is one of her main arguments for custody. Are you frickin’ kidding me? 30 women, huh? So lemme get this straight, Charlie sent pictures of his Ivory Billed Woodpecker to 30 chics online while Denise posed for Playboy, which basically was like sending pictures of her Bermuda Triangle to 30 million horny dudes. She also had a lesbian sex scene in the movie Wild Things that was seen by 5 million people in the theater and was rented another 10 million times on DVD in the US. So, if my count is correct….Charlie sent out the Glamour Shots version of Captain Kilbasa to 30 women on the internet and Denise showed off Mrs. Sphincter's next door neighbor to 45 million people in the US alone. And you know what? Charlie has hooked up with some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Hell yeah he’s proud of that thing! He should bronze it. I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he used those pictures for this year’s family Christmas cards. Merry Christmas from Charlie and his holiday bagpipe. You know, Denise, few things in the world are more annoying than a hypocrite. I know you're ridiculously hot but I’d rather be trapped in a cell with the freaking Predator than spend 10 minutes with your wacky ass. And even after he severed me in half and I saw my own twitching lower torso, I’d still be saying “Thank God I got away from Denise. That bitch is crazy”. I’m with Team Charlie.

I'll just catch the Waffle House version, Hef...

2007-09-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

First up, this one has me crabbier than a cannibal on an all Nicole Richie diet. Hollywood socialite, daughter of OJ attorney Robert Kardashian and the star of her own sex tape, Kim Kardashian, has decided to pose for Playboy. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian’s 12 page spread "will show one boob, and her bare butt." Are you frickin’ kidding me? One boob and a bare butt? Hell, she’s already done a sex tape so what’s the point of looking at a single boob in Playboy when I can just log onto the internet and watch some dude give her the Waffle House treatment for an hour… and by Waffle House treatment I mean scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, flipped, flopped and whatever other adjective fits. I mean, Jesus H. Jahosephat Jones, she’s already shown us what a full grown woman looks like in the spin cycle and now she wants to be modest in Playboy? And to top that off, now she’s gonna have her own reality show? Well, damn, I guess the name of the show will be Kim’s Kidneys because that’s about the only part of her we haven’t already gotten to know. And what the hell is wrong with Hugh Hefner? Playboy’s doing a 12 page spread and she’s not even gonna give a peek at the easy bake oven? The only explanation is that it will take the entire centerfold just to capture a single shot of her giant ass. And, don’t get me wrong because I love a girl with junk in the trunk but her ass is so big that David Blaine couldn’t make that thing disappear. Hell, her badonkadonk is so intimidating that J-Lo’s ass just got a restraining order against it. Come on, Hef.. She’s better suited for magazines with names like Plump Rumps or Butt Cake or Damn, That’s Where My Remote Went. Playboy’s for the best of the best

And now a word from our sponsor

2007-09-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Let’s say you wanna be like Paris Hilton and you’re going on a trip to Rwanda to “help the poor”. You’ve got your video camera, a Range Rover chock full of condoms and your best pair of crotchless safari shorts but alas, you don’t speak Rwandan. Not a problem! Just pick up Angry Industries brand new Paris Hilton Skankanese Language Kit. In only an hour, this CD and companion booklet will teach you skanktastic phrases that can be used in any third world country and are critical to your mission. Phrases like “What a coincidence! You have a genocidal nation. I have spermicidal lubrication.” Or “I put the mission in missionary position” or how about the skankanese favorite “Why don’t you tame this growth, bushmaster?” and many, many more. The Paris Hilton Skankanese Language Kit – You are now free to skank about the country

Right in the Juice Box...that's gotta hurt!

2007-09-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

This one has me more pissed off than a quadriplegic with an itchy ass. This past weekend OJ Simpson was arrested for busting into a casino hotel room to retrieve some memorabilia he said belonged to him. Not only did he demand his stuff but he did it with a four man posse of 50 some year old dudes waving guns all over the place. OJ called it a “sting operation”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Who’s kidding who here? The last time he pulled a “sting operation” it involved practically turning his ex-wife into a frickin’ pez dispenser and he didn’t even go to prison and now you think a little armed robbery is gonna slow him down? Hell, at this point he feels so invincible I’m surprised he didn’t show up with a frickin’ bazooka and then pull his wang out and wiggle it at the cops when they showed up. And come to find out, OJ was in Vegas to be the best man in a wedding. Who the hell would ask OJ to be his best man? Michael Myers from Halloween? The founder of the Ginzu? WHO? Well guess what, OJ? Chances are, that you’ll actually be going to prison this time and now there will be a whole new reason the inmates will use the word ”Juice”. So, to help you get prepared for prison life I have the TOP 5 things you are most likely to hear from your special new friends:

#5) “Don’t think of me as a cellmate. Think of me as your offensive coordinator and the first play I’m calling is a naked bootleg.”

#4) “I love OJ in the morning so why don’t you be my minute maid?”

#3) “Juice, you’ve always had great hands so don’t fumble my balls.

#2) “Hey OJ…come over here and show Daddy your juice box”.

And the #1) phrase you will now be hearing, “Why do you keep sayin’ if it doesn’t fit you must aquit?”

Well, damn....Grandma I hate that for you.

2007-09-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

According to sources, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies” and she plans on having or adopting four kids by 2008. Are you frickin’ kidding me? You’re damn right you don’t need a husband to have a baby. With all the stuff swirling around in your uterus you might just spontaneously reproduce at any minute. Kind of like the big bang theory. Well, I guess, with you, Big Bang ain’t just a theory. And apparently you’ve been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world". Right, if by famous you mean the first kids in the world to actually get a DUI on a tricycle then I’m sure they will be. The idea of you as a parent scares me more than being partnered with George W Bush on Celebrity Jeopardy. You see, Paris, kids aren’t like sea monkeys. If you kill ‘em, you can’t just order another package from the back of a Mad Magazine. They’re also not Chihuahuas so you can’t just throw a few kibbles on the floor to shut ‘em up when they start yappin’ or blow your weed smoke in their noses just to see ‘em run circles around the rug. Well, unless you’re Britney Spears, that is. And to top it off, now I hear you want to design baby clothes. What would the name of that clothing line be? The Skanky Toddler? Babies Without Bottoms? Speaking of bottoms...let’s get to the bottom line: If my choices were A) thinking about you as a parent or B) watching a porno that starred my grandma and a donkey then I guess I’ll never look at Eeyore the same way again.

Better ease up on the twinkies, Kiera.

2007-09-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

This one has me more bent out of shape than Britney Spears’ bellybutton ring. Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Caribbean said, “Weight is a big issue in Hollywood because I’m twice the size, height and everything else, of most of the girls who are going in to see the director for a part. I am, at my size, one of the largest actresses there.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? I’d like to give you a break because you’re cute but that statement is more lopsided than Forest Whitaker’s eye. I mean, one of the largest actresses compared to who? The only way you could be twice the size of other actresses is if they were cardboard cutouts. Damn, you’re the kind of girl that counts the calories of a communion wafer. When you’re not looking, other actors on the set hang their car keys on your hip bones. What part could you possibly try out for and be too big? The role of an ironing board.. And when you say you’re twice the size, height and “everything else”…well you know that the “everything else” part is a damned lie because when they coined the phrase, “making mountains out of molehills” they were talking about your push up bra. For God’s sake, Matthew McConaughey could get more cleavage out of that thing. Rumor has it that mosquitoes bite your chest out of sympathy. Let me tell you what is the twice the size…that piehole. Instead of saying something dumb every time you open that thing up why don’t ya try putting some food in it and that way when you tell people you have a bunch of junk in the trunk it’ll be more like a Chevy Corvette instead of a Barbie Corvette.

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2007-09-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

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Jesus wears stilletos?

2007-09-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

Here’s another magazine interview that has me more chafed than Hillary Clinton ridin’ a 10 speed bike in polyester shorts. This past week, Britain’s Q Magazine published pop singer Avril Lavigne’s Ten Commandments and after reading them I realized that Avril Lavigne would be the perfect spokesperson for Summer’s Eve because she is a complete douche bag! I can’t cover them all so I just picked my favorite one. Avril likes to Practice Good Karma and says, “I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, "take it to Katrina!" I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers", especially if they don't make much money." Are you frickin’ kidding me? I can’t believe the goodness coming out of you, Avril. Sometimes, when I’m praying I get you confused with Jesus. So, let me get this straight. After Katrina, thousands of volunteers walked across the dookie-filled pond that New Orleans became to save lives and you’re gonna brag that you walked across your apartment to get six boxes worth of crap out of your damn closet? Yeah, I’m sure if New Orleans rescuer workers could have asked for anything it would have been spiked belts, stiletto boots and an assload of jeans full of holes. I’m sure that made identifying hurricane survivors much easier. Just look for the ones dressed like a frickin’ skankbucket. And to top it off, you couldn’t even drop your donation off at the damn post office yourself. You told your assistant to mail it for you. I bet that was just moments after you took the mud off her eyes and healed her of blindness, right? As far as giving stuff to people who are your “workers” that don’t make much money. How about just giving them a raise, assclown? If there is a God, and I believe there is…and that God believes in Karma and I believe he does, then I prophesy that in the not too distant future that a freak hurricane will spring from your toilet bowl and you’ll get sucked down where you belong with all the other turds.

We hear ya Brad......

2007-09-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

In his interview with V Magazine - Brad Pitt discussed his break up with Jennifer Anniston and had this to say: “Jen and I still maintain a deep friendship and have a lot of life together that isn't erased in any way.” When pressed about the way it ended, Brad whined, “I don't know how better to have handled it.”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Yeah, I know the way I like to cultivate a deep friendship is to not only humiliate the person in the worldwide media but also to rub their nose it in it like a newspaper covered in hot, steamin’ labrador logs. The only thing “deep” about that situation, Brad, is how far you got the frickin’ shank into Jen’s back. As far as how you could have better handled it….ohhhh….I dunno….maybe you could have waited until you actually broke up with Jen before you started working Angelina over like the frickin’ KFC buffet. That might have been a good place to start. Or, maybe when you left Jen on Monday you could have waited until at least Thursday or Friday before you and Angie adopted enough kids to start a Nike factory. I think if you would just be honest, you know, come clean, then people would have a lot more respect for you. So the next time you are asked about Jennifer please use this answer I personally crafted for you: “You know, I am really sorry about all that and Jen is really nice but I got to see Angelina’s boobies! Don’t you frickin’ get it, man? And I got to put my face on ‘em and everything. Angelina’s rack is like a big pipe full of man crack and I ain’t ever goin’ to rehab.” Well, something like that oughtta get it.

Survivor: Petri Dish

2007-09-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

This one has me more fired up than Ellen Degeneres’ vibrator. At the MTV music video awards, Kid Rock walked up and sucker punched Tommy Lee. Why? Allegedly because Rock was angered by the fact that Pamela Anderson sat in Tommy’s lap. Are you frickin’ kidding me? The only way this could have been better is if Jerry Springer had jumped out from behind a ficus tree. Both of them are Pam’s ex husbands so the fact that they’re fighting each other makes about as much sense as the time I got hammered and woke up naked in between a goat and a tub of country crock margarine. What could they possibly be fighting over? Who got gonorrhea first? Or maybe they both looked down at the same time and saw a Valtrex on the floor and started scrapping over that. If you see the three of them together you don’t need to call security, you need to call The Center for Disease Control. At this very moment, every one of their genitals is hosting its own episode of Survivor: Petri Dish and let me assure you that there are lots of contestants. My bets on Chlamydia to win but don’t count out the crabs. They are a crafty bunch. Seriously, the only way you could make this equation any more disgusting is if you added a bathroom stall and an Idaho Senator.

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2007-09-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

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Whoopi is Really, Really, Really Frickin' Dumb

2007-09-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

This one has me more stirred up than a porn star’s uterus. Whoopi Goldberg made her debut on The View and immediately made a comment that was flakier than a box of Post Toasties. Goldberg said that “from where Michael Vick comes from” in the deep South, dogfighting isn’t that unusual. It’s like cockfighting in Puerto Rico,” Are you frickin’ kidding me? In the South dogfighting isn’t that unusual? Yeah, I just got my invitation in the mail yesterday to the Arkansas Human Society’s Annual Rip Rover’s Throat Out Event. Come on… that makes as much sense as my brother getting a snake bite on his schlong and asking me to suck out the poison. Sorry bro, but we all have to die sometime. First off, Whoopi Assberg, you are apparently as knowledgeable in geography as you are hair products because Vick is from Newport News, Virgina, which is about 2 hours from Washington DC. Newport News is to the deep south as Gwen Stephani is to Hooters. Second, I’ve lived in the real south almost my entire life and have never even heard about a dog fighting match. Unless you count Hillary Clinton Versus Janet Huckabee and that would be a hell of a bitch fight. When is the last time you actually came south, Whoopi Goldturd? Here are a few things you need to know: Dogfighting IS unusual. People here are more likely to shoot you for stealing their dog than kidnapping their spouse. Also, we have running water which, from the looks of that whisker biscuit on top of your head, you may want to check into. We also have integrated schools, contraceptives, shoes and thankfully… we have DVRs so we can fast forward past dumbass comments like yours that basically just squat down and drop a giant load of ass raisins all over the viewer’s intelligence. And what the hell does any of this have to do with cockfighting in Puerto Rico? I don’t have a joke there. I just think the phrase cockfighting is really funny. Somehow makes me think of a duel between gay men. The bottom line: You’re about as sharp as a pair of kindergarten scissors.

MDA - Massively Dysfunctional Asswipe

2007-09-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I turned on the TV just in time to see a drunk Jerry Lewis hosting the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon when he started mumbling incoherently and then called someone an “illiterate faggot”. He later apologized and said that he “holds no prejudice in that regard” and he “forgets that people don’t know him that well.” Are you frickin kidding me? Don’t know you that well, Jerry? Hell, the most shocking thing about this is we didn’t even know you were still alive! And then the way you remind everyone you’re not somewhere basting in formaldehyde is to make an anti-gay slur on live TV? Way to go, Jerry. Maybe next year you can make up a few funnies about black people or throw in a joke that starts with, “So a Jew, a Mexican and a Polock walk into a bar.”
You say that this distraction from the true purpose of the telethon “pains you deeply”? Let me tell you what I’d like to see “pain you deeply”… about 3 hours of sensitivity training that involve Senator Larry Craig , a low lit bathroom stall, a gallon of KY and a Celine Dion CD. And when you wake up in the morning and see that vase of a dozen panty-roses with a card that reads,

“I guess now you can call ME the nutty professor.”, Love, Larry…p.s. I left your dentures on the back of the commode.”

Then, Jerry, then you’ll truly be able to say you were “deeply pained”.

Crikey This!

2007-09-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

This one has me more flipped out than Charlie Sheen’s wang. One year after Steve Irwin aka The Crocodile Hunter’s shocking death in the ocean, demands are being made for his secret autopsy report to be made public. Reports claim he may have been on prescription painkillers that could have clouded his judgment when he was killed by a stingray's barb last September. Drugs? Steve Irwin? Are you frickin’ kidding me? I mean he was purposely trying to piss off 12 foot crocodiles. What do you think? OF COURSE the dude was on drugs. Have you ever watched his show? Any normal human being who was being struck at by a giant rattlesnake would want to escape worse than Britney Spears’ kids. But not Irwin. Here’s a guy who put himself in front of cobras, he put himself in the water with sharks and he put his frickin’ head in the mouths of alligators. Damn, the only thing more dangerous he could have put himself in was Paris Hilton. Crikey! Look at those blisters. That there, mate, is one scary case of herpes. I’d rather wrap my wanker in bacon and dangle it in a crawfish hole than go spelunking in that cave of doom. And, frankly, getting into the ocean with a bunch of giant sting rays is crazier than using a piranha to shave the hair around my bunghole. So, let me save you some time. Was the Crocodile Hunter on painkillers? You’re damn right. Steve Irwin was probably more loaded up than a Wendy’s baked potato when he got in that water and he had every right to be. Crazy people need their medicine.

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2007-09-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

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Liar, Liar Pants On Fire!

2007-08-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

This one’s got me more rattled than Miss South Carolina in a Where’s Waldo tournament. After the details of his arrest come out, Idaho Senator Larry Craig not only says he shouldn’t have pled guilty but he also denies that he’s gay. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Let’s break down the name of your state. I-Da-Ho. You see, that’s an admission of guilt right there. And according to the report, the officer was in the bathroom minding his own business when you came in and started looking through the crack of the stall. Now, I think I can speak for about 90+ percent of all men when I say, if I see you eyeballin’ me through a crack in the door while I’m tryin’ to squeeze off a stink pickle, as soon as my, umm, paperwork is done, you’re gonna catch an ass whoopin’. BUT that’s not even the best part…you go onto to say that the reason you touched his foot with yours is because you use a wide stance. YOU GOTTA BE FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME! Wide stance? Well, I guess so cause you’d damn near have to be doing the splits to make that happen. Listen Senator, I’ve dropped my dirty payload in somewhere around 5,000 different stalls and if anyone needed a wide stance it would be me because my ass is so big it has its own zip code. Yet, somehow, someway, I’ve never managed to put my foot on another man while he was in the middle of breakin’ off a monkey tail. Senator, I couldn’t care less about your sexual preferences but in case you’re wondering or in denial, you’re gay. As a matter of fact, if you rub shoes with a man in the stall next to you then you’re fruitier than Elton John’s banana tree. But look on the bright side, Senator…at least from now on you’ll be able to wear your Rainbow Bright t-shirt on the senate floor.

Owen Wilson's a Bitch - Yeah, I Said It

2007-08-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

You know what, call me an insensitive bastard if you will but when the news came out that Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide, I only had one thing to say: Are you frickin’ kidding me? I mean, come on, Owen. What are you sad about? Maybe it’s because your bedroom has accommodated so many hot chicks that it’s now a feature destination on travelocity? Maybe you’re sad that, at ten million dollars a movie, you can only afford wipe your ass with fifty dollar bills and not hundreds. And everybody knows they’re the softest! Come on, fess up, Owen? Did your momma not pack extra milk money in your lunch box when you were a little boy? Did you finally look in the mirror and realize that your nose looked like it had been broken more times than the American-Indian peace treaty? And now to top it off, rumors of rampant drug use have surfaced. And normally I might take that with a grain of salt but when frickin’ Courtney Love comes out and says she warned you about the drugs, you know you gotta problem. Hell, that’s like Rosie O’Donnell warning you about the dangers of the Baconator. Dude, we’re all pulling for you but you need to straighten up, quit being such a wussy and leave the drugs behind like Eddie Murphy’s baby.

Got Milk for your Angry Daddy?

2007-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

This one has me more inflamed than that time I accidentally zipped up Captain Winky. For the past several weeks, on multiple websites, there has literally been a countdown until the teen star of Heroes, Hayden Panitierre, turned 18. Are you frickin kidding me? A countdown? Was that the countdown to when you freaks could finally yank your doodle dandy without feeling guilty? I mean, this girl is 18 years old, for God’s sake. I’ve got underwear older than her. For some reason, men are drawn to her like Senator Larry Craig to an airport bathroom. Why is this? Is it because she wears that ridiculously short cheerleader skirt that constantly reminds you that she has an ass that’s harder than penitentiary steel? She’s 18! Is it because her bikini baseballs are popping out of Mammary Park like a Grady Sizemore homer? She’s 18! And now the big news is that men are going nuts over her Got Milk commercial like it was porn. It’s a frickin’ advertisement for milk! What is the big deal about a hot, 18 year old girl with a creamy white substance all over her mouth?

Oh, for God’s sake, let me see that ad. (rustling sound of paper)

Holy Shiite! That’s frickin’ hot! No wonder guys across the country are putting out wood like a lumber mill. Hell, I would sell my own momma to the black market for just a half hour with Hayden Panties in the air or whatever her name is.

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2007-08-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

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Not a chance

2007-08-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

According to my good friend, Tyler Durden, a rumor that Jake Gyllenhall might come out of the closet is making waves around the blogosphere.

Of course, we all know there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that dude could be gay. Want proof? Here, Here, Here, Here and I think THIS ONE speaks to his manliness more than any other.

Yep, that’s pretty definitive. It’s more likely that I will fall down, hit my head on the toilet and invent time travel after a dream about something called the flux capacitor than Jake Gyllenhall being gay. Nobody calls Marty McFly a chicken and nobody calls Jake Gyllenhall gay. Now, where’s my DeLorean….

Master of TaeKwanDo-nut

2007-08-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

This one has me more pissed off than a straight streaker who accidentally found himself in the middle of a gay pride rally. You all remember 90’s martial arts action star, Stevel Seagal, right? Movies like Above the Law, Hard to Kill and Under Siege made him more popular than Rosie O’Donnell at a cannibals convention. But for the past few years, Segal hasn’t been able to get any of his flicks into the theater. Why is that? Well, according to a recent quote from Seagal, every since 2002 when the FBI accused him of terrorizing journalists and associating with the mafia, he can only get roles in movies that go straight to DVD. And now Seagal wants the FBI to apologize. Are you frickin kidding me? So, lemme get this straight. Russell Crowe whipped a guy’s ass using his cell phone like a pair of numb chucks and he still gets good roles. Mel Gibson gets drunk, fights cops and makes anti-semitic remarks and still gets good roles. Hell, Robert Downey Jr went to jail so many times they actually named a frickin’ cell in his honor and he still gets good roles. But you, you want the FBI to apologize because your career went down like a $3 hooker? You see, Crowe, Gibson and Downey Jr. They have something in common. They could actually ACT. Your best attribute was that you used to be lean, mean fighting machine. So, is it the FBI’s fault that you quit snorting cocaine like a black and decker shop vac and instead of hitting the gym you hit the all you can eat buffet? You went from training with Master Lee to mastering Ship-ley’s. From using the Bear Claw attack to attacking the bear claw at the Quik-E-Mart. It’s hard to kick ass when you pack on about 80 lbs, ain’t it, Oh Master of Tae Kwon Do-nut? It’s tricky to get directors excited when your fiercest move is the Flying Gutbuster, huh, Sensei Pork Rind? Is it the FBI’s fault that audiences don’t wanna see a martial arts star whose ka-ra-te suit has to be custom tailored by a tent company and whose dojo is in the back of a Western Sizzlin’? So, Sensei spare rib, quit blaming the FBI for the fact that A) you’ve swelled up like an albatross eating a rolaid and B) that your movies are so retarded they should only be played on the shortbus.

2007-08-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

According to several credible sources, NBC is giving real consideration to backing out on the agreement they have with Conan O’Brien to take over the Tonight Show in 2009. Why would they do that? Because Jay Leno wants to stick around a few more years. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Let me get this straight NBC, on one hand you have Conan O’Brien, who is not only frickin’ hilarious but actually appeals to audiences young enough to not be spiking their coffee with Metamucil. On the other you have Jay Leno who is as relevant to today’s youth as a hairbrush is to Vin Diesel. And then, just to add insult to injury, if NBC welches on the deal, they have to pay Conan a lump sum of 40 million dollars. Yeah, keeping Jay Leno instead of Conan makes about as much sense as Global warming being caused by Norweigian Moose Farts. Come on, Jay. You’re routine is more dried up than Whoopi Goldberg’s tumbleweed. You’re writing is about as sharp as an extra long butt sausage. You gotta go. You gotta pack it up like Michael Vick’s stink tube on his second night in prison. Hey, on the bright side, maybe you and Bob Barker could get together and trade prostate stories or oatmeal recipes. I would tell ya to keep your chin up but that’d be like asking the titanic to float in my bathtub. The bottom line, Leno: Jaywalk your ass to the house.

National FRUITball League Update !

2007-08-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

First up, this one has me more disagreeable than Mike Vick’s anus on his first night in prison. Drug users, wife beaters, thugs and criminals….that’s right, it’s kick off time for the NFL. And could anything make more sense than having American Idol’s Ryan Secrest named as the host of the NFL’s halftime shows for the Superbowl. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Ryan Secrest? So, I guess Commissioner, Roger Goodell’s answer to all the thuggery messing up pro football is to just make it completely GAY? Who’s the lineup off that halftime… George Michael, Hannah Montana and the cast of frickin’ High School Musical? What’s next? The Dallas Cowboys announcing that their new conditioning coach is Richard Simmons? Maybe every team will have to designate the tight ends with sparkly pink jerseys and they’ll be sponsored by Summer’s Eve Douche or Tampax Tampons? How about covering the goalposts in rhinestones? Come on…..Ryan frickin’ Secrest. While I appreciate your efforts to clean up football, Commissioner Goodell, I really don’t have any desire to see football become FRUITball. The NFL is supposed to be about big, mean, bad-ass men smashing each other in the mouth to get to the endzone NOT to get into each other’s erogenous zones. The bottom line…If my choices are A) watching Ryan Secrest gay up the Superbowl or B) take a field goal kick to the groin from Colts kicker, Adam Vinatieri then I guess I’m gonna need the guys in the instant replay booth on standby so when he’s done I can locate my nuts. Just pray for me that they don’t hit the uprights.

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2007-08-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

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Houdini Lohan is at it again!

2007-08-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

My good friends at Wizbang Pop say that, according to my other good friends at TMZ, that Lindsay Lohan has made good choices with (provided massive sexual favors for) her attorneys. The word on the streets…(and again, let me remind you that I do come from the mean streets of Bryant, Arkansas. DON’T YOU LAUGH! You think minding your business walking down the street when some punk in a 69 Chevelle Supersport purposely uses his tires to jettison water on you is child’s play? Hardly, my friends. That water could have some serious germs in it. Or I might catch a cold from being wet. Or, a pebble could hit me in the ear so hard that it cuts my lobe. That’s dangerous living.) …anyway, as you laugh at my pain, the word on the streets is that the District Attorney has opted not to pursue felony charges on Lindsay for DUI or for bringing a bag of frickin’ blow into the police station. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I could bring a plastic baggie with two crosstops so old they would have to get CSI to carbon date the shit and the next thing you know I’d be in a maximum security prison being turned into Jerry Don’s personal funhouse. All misdemeanors? Awww jiminy frickin’ tickle my nads Elmo. How the hell does that work? Well, I imagine it is very similar to my prison story. Only replace me with Lindsay Lohan and Jerry Don with her attorneys, the arresting officers, the judge, the bailiff, the dispatcher, the paddywagon driver…..hell, we don’t have time to cover the whole list. Just open the Hollywood, California phone book and all the people on the white pages. That should be pretty close to accurate. Anyway….sadly, stand by for the misdemeanor news that’s sure to set the tabloids on fire soon. Hell, me taking a dump is bigger news than that. She doesn’t even have to show up in court….I think I’m going to log off now and weep for a while.

Stand still, Amy....here it comes

2007-08-17T06:05:00.001-07:00

Here’s a shocker. Amy Winehouse, who ironically has the hit single Rehab, overdosed this past week and had this to say about it: “It was just crazy - One of the most terrifying moments of my life. I don’t know how to explain what happened. I couldn’t recognize myself. I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Monday. I’m fine, honest.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? You don’t know how to explain what happened? Oh, well, allow me to explain. You see, that happens when you turn your nostrils into a Eureka Vacuum Cleaner and go sucking up everything in the damn house. Heroin, cocaine, laundry detergent, ajax. Hell, your husband was so full of dope, if you could’ve figured out how, I’m sure you would have tried to shove him up your nose. But it’s kinda hard to figure the logistics on something like that when you’re brain is toasted like a frickin’ Quizno’s sub, huh Amy? And one of the drugs reputed to be in your system was ketamine….a horse tranquilizer. Well jiminy frickin’ Christmas, what’s left for you to do, Amy? Maybe you could snort some mustard gas or smoke a few radioactive isotopes. I mean, damn, you’re so bad off on drugs that Snoop Dogg and Pete Doherty want you to “Just Say No”. Hell, your own LIVER signed up on E-Harmony and the profile said “trying to escape abusive relationship”. And as for your comment that you couldn’t recognize yourself. Yeah, see that happens when your drug habit causes ya drop so much weight that you make Kate Moss look like a lard ass. And apparently the drugs have affected your smile, too because it looks like you spent the better part of the last month gnawing on lug nuts. There are so many gaps in those chiclets I could drive a 78 Buick Electra through there. You’re way beyond everyday dental work. What your teeth need involves an assload of C-4 and a wrecking ball. Amy, you don’t need rehab you need a damn head transplant. Dumbass.

Brad Garrett has a big mouth

2007-08-17T06:00:00.001-07:00

This one has me more outraged than Al Sharpton when he got his invitation to the Annual Pimps and Hos Ball. Another Brad in the news. You might remember Brad Garrett as the 6 ft 8 brother on Everybody Loves Raymond. Freak of nature, actor and now add racist to the resume. Ole Brad was being photographed by a black paparazzi and said, “I didn’t know there were black people in Malibu. Go back to where you came from.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? Did you just wake up from a two week drunk and think you were back in 1960? Because that joke is about as funny as clearing up my nagging hemmheroids with a frickin’ orbital sander. Hey man, Don Imus just called and said you were way over the line. Maybe next you could crack a line about sending him to the back of the bus or hell, why not just pull out your hood and hangin’ rope and get your lynchin’ on right there at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. Hey, Brad, it’s frickin’ 2007 and that comment fits about as well as Hillary Clinton in an extra small thong. I hope Al Sharpton attacks you like Paris Hilton on a meat popsicle and puts you through sensitivity boot camp that involves you being strapped in a chair with a pair of headphones repeatedly playing Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing while being abusively teabagged by Shaquille O’Neal and simultaneously kicked in the nuts by Gary Coleman and finally being brought to the Montel Williams show where it would be revealed to you for the first time that you’re the illegitimate love child of Wilt Chamberlain. My friend, you are nothing but a big pantload of turd slurpee.

Brad Gets Bitch Slapped - or maybe not

2007-08-17T05:57:00.001-07:00

This one has me flappin’ my gums more than grandma that time I sold her false teeth in a yard sale. Angelina Jolie was quoted saying “I’ve never hidden my bisexuality, but since I’ve been with Brad, there’s no longer a place for that or S&M in my life”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? All of the sudden, how much does it suck to be Brad Pitt. Talk about getting duped. What, ya get married and all of the sudden whips, chains and leather thongs are tossed like a prison salad? Come on, Brad that makes about as much sense as a stripper in Pakistan. Are ya down to missionary position only on Wednesday nights after your couple’s bible study? We all know the main reason you hooked up with Angelina wasn’t for love and family. It was for the swingin’ from the ceiling, monkey sound makin’, blood vial wearin’, crazy, kinky sex… and now she pulls the rug out from under you? Admit it, there’s no way in hell you would have ever agreed to adopt 72 frickin’ kids and spend most of your time in countries where the water gives you the Flamin’ Hershey Squirts if you had planned ahead. I would have made damn sure our prenup included A) a clause REQUIRING Angelina to CONTINUE knocking mops with other hot, freaky chicks and B) a subsection mandating, that at least twice a week, Angelina dress up like a hot viking babe so she could rape and plunder my village of one. But instead, Brad, you let her go on the adoptapalooza tour and with all 132 kids at the house, I imagine your sex life now is about as exciting as a Catholic church without an alter boy. I never thought I would say this but, Brad, sucks to be you.

Mattell's New Line Up

2007-08-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

At Mattell, we care a great deal about safety and we’ve gone to great lengths to recall every toy imported from China that was colored with lead-based paint. Now comes a new generation of better, safer toys. Leading the way, we are proud to announce Mattell’s brand new, counter-terrorism action figure, AJ Asbestos. We’ve replaced lead paint with top quality asbestos and now AJ will safely usher your kids into the war against terror. AJ features moveable parts and a fully-functional, miniature Glock 9 with tiny hollow point rounds. And what hero would be complete without a villain? Get ready for Akbar Anthrax. Akbar is a terrorist bent on our destruction and comes with realistic briefcase bombs with actual anthrax pellets in grape and cherry flavors. Hours of good, safe fun for everyone! And remember our new slogan: If you’re not a commie, pinko terrorist, you’ll buy Mattell Toys.

Kanye is a Komplete Klown

2007-08-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

What the F***????? Is Kanye West for real? These look like those humongous retard sunglasses I won at the cakewalk when I was five and wore everywhere I went until my dad told me that the dog ate them. When I told him we didn’t have a dog, he just looked at me and said, “Who the f*** are you? Sherlock Holmes?”

Seriously though, how the hell can you make millions upon millions and dress like that? I might expect Pee Wee Herman or frickin’ Bozo the Clown to wear that sh** but Kanye West? Dude, P Diddy would whoop your ass. You have frickin’ LOUEVERS on your face. Yeah, those would be cool if they were on a Camaro in 1980. Wait, on second thought, they sucked then, too.

At some point, he looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I look good. I’m a regular ho magnet.” Yeah, I can’t wait until you show up with a hat made from a hubcap or an earring that's actually the metal ball you hook a frickin’ camper up to or an exhaust pipe hanging from your zipper. That always gets 'em, Kanye!

Moron.

Angry, Angry Box Office Weekend

2007-08-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

The Angry Viewer knows these things! As I ranted about Friday, both Tranny-lovin’ Brett Ratner’s Rush Hour 3 and career killing, Cuba Gooding Jr’s Daddy Day Camp have bombed. See, RH3 may have made $50 mil but it took $140 mil to make. Can you say “no profit” boys and girls? And Daddy Day Camp? Are you frickin’ kidding me? I could put Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Scarlett Johannsen, Jessica Alba and Brad Pitt in a movie but if one picture of Cuba Gooding Jr flashed in the trailer….bust. Cuba kills movies. Sorry, dude. I like you. And, at least you make a million times more than I do…or will. Now that I think about it like that, you’ll find me at home, in the bottom of my shower curled up in the fetal position screaming, “Cuba, you bastard!!!!!!!!!!!”

Come on out, Brett......it's ok

2007-08-10T09:26:00.001-07:00

Today Rush Hour 3 comes out and there is a scene involving a transsexual. Not a big deal. At least until director, Brett Ratner, says something like this: “That scene in Rush Hour 3 came from my personal experience. My first hummer was from a man, but I didn’t know it was a man. You meet a girl in a bar, and it turns out she’s not a girl. That happens to a lot of heterosexuals.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? No, actually that only happens to complete morons who are to drunk to recognize a five o’clock shadow and an adams apple that sticks out like the kickstand on a Harley Davidson. Even drunk off your ass, wasn’t it kind of a tip off that when she sounded like Darth Vader when she said she wanted to “polish the porpoise” ? Then you go on to say, “I’m not homophobic or uptight about it.” That’s pretty obvious by the fact that you are braggin’ about it like you bagged Jessica Alba in the back of the Chevy. But Brett, that wasn’t Jessica Alba that was JEFF Alba. If my choices were A) admitting that I somehow, someway, “accidentally” got worked down by a man or B) covering my manhood in maple syrup and gettin’ it on with an ant hill, then I guess I better get a couple gallons of calamine lotion and some benadryl cause it’s gonna be a long night. So, Brett, you go ahead and tell yourself it happens to a lot of heterosexuals if that’s what helps you sleep better, but really, the only thing I imagine helps you at sleep at night is spooning close to a man in a wig.

Just put it right there.....

2007-08-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

I’d like to start with a special message to actor Cuba Gooding Jr. who has me more pissed off than superman wearing a kryptonite condom. Hello Cuba. New movie opens this weekend, huh? I believe it’s called Daddy Day Camp, right? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Daddy Frickin’ Day Camp? First of all, this is a sequel to Daddy Day Care, an Eddie Murphy movie that had a level of enjoyment that fell somewhere between passing a kidney stone the size of J-Lo’s ass and being catheterized by a quarter inch PVC pipe. Number two, Eddie said he wasn’t coming back and if Eddie Murphy says no to a movie, you know you should reject it faster than a liver donated by John Daly. But not you, Cuba. No, my friend. You are to movies what Eddie Murphy is to an unfertilized womb. You are a movie whore. You’ve made it clear that, if a dollar is involved, you’ll show up faster than Kirstie Alley on a Whopper with Extra Cheese. I guess when you said “Show me the Money” in Jerry McGuire, you meant that Shiite. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a director called you tomorrow and said, “Cuba, we’re doing a movie about a giant toilet and we want you to play the role of a freshly-baked batch of turds ahoy. The only question you would ask is “would that be with or without corn?”. Dude, you won a frickin’ Oscar for God’s sake. A FRICKIN’ OSCAR! At this point, that Oscar has about the same value as that disc I keep getting in the mail for a free 30 day trial of AOL. Cuba, If your movie goal is to make a longer string of turds than Yao Ming on an all peanut diet, then you’re a complete success. Otherwise, the next time you think about making a movie like Daddy Day Camp, I would just ask that you take that Oscar Statuette and kindly cram it up your bunghole. Then you might have some notion of how we feel when we have to sit through one of your movies. Thanks for listening.

Get "Em While They Last !

2007-08-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

Arkansas football season is here and Hog fans want to show their support but if you’re like me you want something unique. Well, my designers at Angry Industries have created the perfect razorback collectible that will be the talk of the 07 Season. We all love Quarterback Casey Dick and, of course, Coach Houston Nutt so be one of the first to get the Limited-edition Dick-Nutt Sack. This stylish, fuzzy pouch holds a pair of balls that commemorate the 07 Blast Off. Any true Razorback fan will wanna let their Dick-Nutt Sack hang out at every game and show everyone their balls. And it even makes a perfect compliment to last year’s tribute to Robert Johnson. That’s right! Just hang your Dick-Nutt Sack right at the base of your Big Johnson Spirit Stick and you’ll have a symbol of dangling fury any Razorback fan can admire.

Sack picture via Your Nutz

Here comes the Organ Harvester!

2007-08-03T05:56:00.000-07:00

This one has me more pissed off than Whoopi Goldberg’s new makeup artist at the View. Talk about drawing the short straw. Damn. But, back to business, it was announced that Paris Hilton has just landed a role in a movie musical about organ harvesting called Repo: The Genetic Opera. The director was quoted in Variety Magazine as saying, “I have auditioned at least 30 actresses for this role and Paris sang it better than all of them. Paris came in and owned it. She is this role." Are you frickin’ kidding me? Oh yeah, I’m sure she did beat out 30 other actresses when it came to “organ harvesting” and I would suspect the organ in question might also be referred to as a pajama python. Yeah, I saw her harvesting that very organ in the online movie she made… so he’s right. She IS that role. But the singing part….you gotta be frickin’ kidding me. If you’ve heard her CD you know that Paris is to singing what Amy Winehouse is to a healthy smile. Damn, girl. Shove a chiclet in that hole or something! But, back to Paris, I’m fairly certain that the other 30 auditions could have been Sanjaya Malakar, a few cats in heat, a frickin’ cockatoo and a recording of the sounds I make when I’m in the can breakin’ off a nappy buttstick and she still would have come in dead last. If my choices were A) watching Paris in a musical or B) spending an evening being tea bagged by Tommy Lee then I'm gonna need some soft candles, a Motley Crue CD and an EMT on standby to reset my broken nose when we're done. The bottom line: This musical is gonna suck harder than, well, Paris Hilton.

Jimmy Dean is Coming To Town

2007-08-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

This one has me more amped up than OJ Simpson at a Ginzu Knife convention. Tired of every magazine flaunting virtually nude women, Jessica Alba thinks more magazines should feature penis. She tells Britain's GQ: Men's magazines have nipples so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? There's Playgirl but not a fashion magazine like Elle. "If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me...I've said I won't go naked in any of my movies, because I don't want to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see other people strip off!" Are you frickin’ kidding me? First of all, as hot as you are, why the hell do you need magazines to see naked dudes? That one stupid comment has probably unleashed the cracken. Now every single time you go outside, every single heterosexual guy within eyeshot of you will be bearing his rumpleforeskin for your viewing pleasure. Every time you open the door will look like the Jimmy Dean Sausage Convention has rolled up on your front lawn. Hell, I know you can’t even see people on the radio but I’m still bearing mine right now just in case. And second Jessica, oh queen of hypocrisy, the only reason you haven’t been completely naked in a movie yet has nothing to do with integrity or whether you “want to” or not. You are constantly going braless in public so everyone can witness you activating the wonder twins and after seeing you in Sin City working the stripper pole like a squirrel on a crack-filled acorn and then watching the Fantastic Four movies where you style a spandex suit so tight that even the outline of your suppository made an appearance, I am fully convinced that, as soon as enough zeros are on the end of the check, you’ll flash that chia pet like a billboard on the Vegas strip. I hope after you spend the next week or two getting up close and personal with some dude’s bagpipe on every corner that’ll you learn a lesson about dumbass comments like that.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

2007-08-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

All right Anger Allies, I’m sure lots of you are making last minute vacation plans as we speak. You just wanna squeeze that little bit more fun out of the summer, right? Of course you do. And I bet a lot of you are headed to places out of state. Maybe Disney or Six Flags, maybe to the beach. But wherever you’re headed, you and I both know a vacation can go bad fast if you run out of the hippie lettuce. That’s why, before you go anywhere, you need to get your ride equipped with the brand new Snoop Dog signature GPS system. Not only will Snoop’s voice give you point to point directions to Disney but he can also pinpoint the nearest location for you to score a sack of that barbecue iguana. Not only will Snoop’s digital display provide you the contact’s address but flashing bongs mark the locations where Snoop has used his leverage to pre-negotiate and get you the best deal. Then, in no time at all, you’ll be back on track puffin’ a fatty boombalatty on the way to meet Mickey. The Snoop Dogg Signature GPS system. Bluntly put, we get you there stoned.

The Other Wahlberg

2007-07-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Star of Saw II and a part of Saw III, Donnie Wahlberg (Officer Matthews), apparently has some kind of beef with the filmmakers for keeping him alive in the series. When asked about an appearance in the upcoming fourth installment of the grizzlefest known as Saw, Rotten Tomatoes (www.rottentomatoes.com) had this quote:

"Yeah, I got a scene in it," said Wahlberg. "They kept me alive. I told them I wanted to die in part three and they took out my death. I just lie there and nothing happens."

Even Jigsaw died in Saw III but he's back. The filmmakers are keeping a tight lip on the timeframe that allows such actors to return, but Wahlberg was so annoyed that he spilled that officer Matthews still exists in present tense.

"No, they kept me alive. I don't want to talk about it."

Are you frickin’ kidding me? Dude....seriously....you're mad about this? You're not gonna start spewing about artistic integrity are you, cry baby? Saw is the first semi-decent thing you’ve done since you were in that supergay group, New Kids on the Block. (Seriously, could you have been any gayer? You made Clay Aiken look like Clint Eastwood.) You oughtta be counting blessings and wanking the Wonka all day long if the filmmakers even MENTION your name in relation to this movie. Be content to see any of these next to your name: Actor, set builder, water boy, Tobin Bell’s personal penis massager….because anything is better than the career you have otherwise which would involve either A) extorting younger and vastly more talented brother, Marky Mark Wahlberg or B) asking the question, “Would you like fries with that?” all frickin’ day long. Let’s face it, a few more Saw-type flicks and you could have a long straight to cable presence along side fine bit players like Eric Roberts and Jean Claude Van Damme….however, a few more outbursts like this one and Hollywood will have about as much appreciation for you as my mailman does those cat turds I leave in the mailbox in the middle of August. What’s even funnier than that is he actually believes the story I told him about the renegade cat that does it. He probably also believes that Rosie O’Donnell is a woman and thinks he really IS a winner every time the Publishers Sweepstakes envelope arrives.

I'm your Huckleberry...Pie

2007-07-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

Holy mother of all that’s sacred! Are you frickin’ kidding me? Does anyone remember Top Gun? Tombstone? When Val Kilmer uttered the famous line, “I’m your huckleberry” I never thought he meant that Shiite literally! I guess he was REALLY in character with the whole Tuberculosis thing and ran out of breath before he could finish what I imagine would have been the entire line... “I’m your huckleberry... pie eatin’ champion and, if you please, may I also have a bowl of some of that delicious lard stew? And a few of those fried twinkies? And a handful of those chocolate covered ……” Yeah, Val….you went from Doc Holiday to Doc Hit the Buffet. Then again, I am sure you are just adding weight for your comeback role…right?

2007-07-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Please, dear God, will someone remind me why it is that I spend 6 hours a day in the gym and my diet consists of a Slim-fast followed by a tasty finger down my throat to purge my delicious, creamy aforementioned Slim-fast just so I can look like Matthew McConnawhatvererthehellhisnameis? Look at ole Jack Nicholson. He looks like just a few hours earlier he unhinged his jaws and swallowed an unsuspecting young gazelle just like that Hoagie sandwich. That Hoagie is silently screaming for another chance with Jared from Subway. And, yet and still, 70 year old Jack has at least five (my bad, six) nearly naked women on the boat. They were probably among a group of 700 who drew a number just like at the DMV and they were the lucky winners who get to be turned out by crazy Jack. My wife says Jack is sexy. I always said he wasn’t. Apparently she is the one who is correct and I must live in this crazy universe where sexy is not a lard ass, hoagie stuffing, sunglass-wearing, coke snortin’, crazy haired nutbag. My bad. And by the way, the entire first sentence was a lie. I never go to the gym and I am a lard ass. And Slim-fast is for wussies who can't handle the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet. But still, that should not diminish my point. Should it? I mean, being a hypocite never stopped me before. Why should it now?

A great photo of Tranae!

2007-07-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

And finally, Tranae Hammond, a former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild, is suing the company for sexual harassment. According to court papers, Hammond's supervisor touched and massaged Hammond's shoulders, frequently spoke about sex in front of her, and on at least one occasion "tapped (her) buttocks with a clipboard." Ummmmmmm, Tranae, ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? That’d be like me getting a job as Willie Nelson’s roadie and suing him for gettin’ a buzz off the sidestream smoke from his hippie lettuce. I’m all for treating women with respect but you went to work for GIRLS GONE WILD. Not the National Organization for Women. As a matter of fact, I would expect that a key part of the interview process at Girls Gone Wild would involve lifting your shirt and waving those wind jammers for the entire management team. And you were a SALESperson. So, let me get this right. You spent your whole day peddling videos of drunken skankhos showing their chimichangas in the streets so the pervs that watch ‘em can take Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction, but you’re mad that the guys in the office talked about sex in front of you? I don’t mean to sound crazy but how the hell do you work at a softcore porn company and NOT talk about sex? Maybe next you could get a job at a condom factory and sue for latex allergies. Well, Tranae, now I’m filing a lawsuit against you for the pain and suffering of my blood pressure being raised to dangerous levels as a direct result of you being a mammoth pantload of stink tenderloin.

I So Wanna Bitch Slap You Right Now

2007-07-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

In The Game Plan, The Rock is a football star who discovers he has a 7 year old daughter he didn’t know about and she proceeds to turn his life upside down by doing things like putting his bull dog in a tutu and gluing fake gemstones all over his MVP game ball. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Come on, get a grip man, you’re The frickin’ Rock, for God’s sake! You’re supposed to be in movies where stuff gets blown up and you see more action than Paris Hilton’s vagina. Not some movie where you’re upstaged by a seven-year-old girl. Yeah, I get the whole “irony” thing. Big, muscled up wrestler football guy gets all turned around by tiny little princess. But the real irony here is that this movie makes you look gayer than Clay Aiken at a popsicle taste testing event. As a matter of fact, that should be the name of this movie: Instead of The Game Plan, it should be The GAY Plan. What’s next Dwayne? Are you gonna bring the shock and awe of The Rock to a live action version of the Powerpuff Girls? Maybe you could you could use your action hero status to update a classic like My Little Pony. Sure, every action hero does something kid friendly. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Kindergarten Cop but he turned those five year olds into army commandos and still managed to shoot a bad guy about 38 times with a 6-bullet clip. Hell, Clint Eastwood even did a couple movies with an orangutan but that orangutan drank beer and beat up bikers. What do you have? Oh yeah, you have the struggle of balancing your football practice and her ballet classes. Yeah, Dwayne….I’ve had bigger struggles than that settin’ a turtle head free in lake porcelain. Might I suggest a new name to go with that image makeover? I’m thinking instead of The Rock that maybe you could be “The Tissue”. Meanwhile, we’ll look forward to seeing you in Brokeback Mountain 2, candyass.

Sorry dude....

2007-07-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

I just wanna wish my friend Jeremy Morphis a quick recovery from that bong fire. Dude, you can’t fill those things with gasoline.

Godspeed to you, my friend....

2007-06-29T06:06:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to tell my friend, Jeremy Morphis, that all the guys here at the radio station are really pulling for you to have a quick recovery from that penis pump injury. In all fairness, I did tell you that powering that thing with a car battery was not a good idea.

And now a word from our sponsor ...

2007-06-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

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Yeeeeeeah, THAT'S the Problem....

2007-06-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

This one has me crankier than Tom Sizemore’s nose. In what is sure to be the next “big thing”, Landmark Theater in West Hollywood has decided to remodel and is adopting a "Living Room" style with couches, comfortable chairs, loveseats and the like. According to their spokesperson, it's the chain's way of trying to lure more people out of their homes. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Did you think the reason people weren’t coming to your theater is because you didn’t have a frickin’ couch? The reason people aren’t coming to your theater is because you have to apply for financial aid just to get a bucket of popcorn and some frickin’ gummi worms. And I might lose my damn mind if one more of your loan sharks, errr, concession people tell me that for “only a quarter more” I can get the jumbo-sized drink. Newsflash: I don’t want a Mr Pibb that comes in a frickin’ 55 gallon drum where I have to dolly it to my damn chair. That is, unless you wanna put a urinal on the back of the seat in front of me. Yeah, sorry, about that splash on the back of your head, sir. And what the hell is Mr Pibb? For $35 bucks a pop I get generic Dr Pepper? And ya know, maybe you crooks could lower the concession prices a little bit if you didn’t have to keep the air conditioner set on a temperature that made it feel like the frozen tundra. Should I really need a parka in mid July? What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want a couch or loveseat in the theater. I just wanna be able to get a real Dr Pepper and some milk duds without breaking a hundred dollar bill. And I’d appreciate it, if it’s not too much trouble, that you not have the temperature set so low that by the end of the movie I’m afraid to cough because my frickin' testicles have retreated into my throat.

Mamma's Got a Brand New Bag

2007-06-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Soooooo, Cameron Diaz went on a little South American trip and managed to offend the entire country of Peru by wearing a bag with the logo of Dictator Mao Zedong. You see, Cammy, the people of Peru aren't crazy about Mao or communism, possibly because in the not too distant past, he attacked Peru like Oprah Winfrey on a washtub full of hickory smoked turkey legs. Are you frickin’ kidding me? How stupid do you have to be to style a Chinese Communist logo on your purse? No wonder Justin Timberlake ejected you like Nicole Richie’s lunch. Gee, I guess it’s a good thing that Abercrombie and Fitch don’t make a handbag with the Nazi Swastika on it, huh, Cammy? Can’t you hear that…."Oooooh, I saw that design in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I bet that red and black armband would go great with these shoes! I wonder what that means, anyway? Who cares! I am so wearing that on my trip to Berlin." Hey Cameron, maybe on your next humanitarian mission you could take a trip to Japan and style a T-shirt with a picture of a frickin’ mushroom cloud on it. As much as I can’t believe I’m saying this, you make Britney Spears look like Professor Stephen Hawking. Cameron, I think it’s safe to assume that, in the near future, you won’t be splitting any atoms or curing cancer but is it too much to ask that the next time you see a really cool design that you wanna style in a foreign country, maybe you could swing by wikipedia to make sure it’s not the political equivalent of squattin’ down and launching butt scuds all over their history.

Creative struggles? Britney? Say it isn't so!

2007-06-29T05:57:00.000-07:00

This one has me more miserable than Bill Clinton with a motion sensor attached to his zipper. A music industry insider says Britney Spears’ new album is delayed because Britney’s struggling creatively. According to the source, “Jive Records hated the songs Britney was coming up with. Struggling creatively? Are you frickin’ kidding me? She’s not struggling creatively… Britney’s struggling to find the intelligence to just suck in enough oxygen. She’s such an idiot that she probably spends bathtime completely amazed by her own fart bubbles. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if a story broke tomorrow about Britney being committed to a mental institution because K-Fed showed up to get the kids and found her on the stairs singing, “Oops I Did it Again" and finger-painting with her own doo doo. Speaking of Britney’s kids… how bad is it when, just for a minute, I started to think Kevin Federline might actually be the better parent? But then I realized that that makes about as much sense as going on vacation and asking Snoop Dogg to keep an eye on your weed. Those kids are much better off in the care of the nanny. Matter of fact, they’d probably be better off being cared for by a frickin’ can opener. And are you shocked that Jive Records hates her new songs? Can you imagine how bad they are? They probably have lyrics like, “Back in the groove and got some serious Libido, Damn, I wish I had a big bag a cheetos” or “I know you want to get a look at my red snapper but you can’t get none if you ain’t a white rapper.” The bottom line: Britney’s album has been delayed because it’s gonna suck harder than Selma Hayek’s breast pump.

She really IS Scary!

2007-06-25T06:08:00.001-07:00

Ohhhhhhhh ok, I get it. I now understand why Eddie Murphy tried to deny that Scary Spice (aka Melanie Brown)was carrying his baby. I mean, daaaaayuuummmmm……If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was carrying the spawn of Satan and that this picture was taken right after she took a shot of Holy Water in the eye. About 3 seconds later she was completely vaporized by rays from the sun. I sure as hell bet Eddie wished that was the case because that dude is SOOOOOOOO paying millions to old goo eye. Now who’s the donkey, Eddie? All of the sudden I smell Shrek 5-8. Daddy's gonna need a little dough. Face it, Ed, the only way you're getting out of this is with a wooden stake and some garlic. You are completely screwed! Next time wear a condom you arrogant, prick. And by the way, I want a refund for Norbit. I figure you owe me

about $8 for the ticket, about $230 for concessions and about $82,000 for you just changing the name of The Nutty Professor and expecting me not to catch on. That's an hour and a half I could have spent doing something a little more fun, like say, repeatedly blasting my forehead with a staple gun.

Corey, Jay, the Angry, Angry Viewr and Jersey at Edgefest

2007-06-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Wow....10,000+ people screaming ... that was frickin' cool! Of course, now that I think about it....maybe they were just screaming because they wanted us to get off the damn stage so they could hear Breaking Benjamin rock it out. But, this is my delusion, so don't try to bring me down... they were there to see the Angry, Angry Viewer. And they were all yelling "Are you frickin' kidding me" at the top of their lungs followed by chants of "Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!" and backstage women tore at my shirt .....then I woke up and it was just a bill collector trying to get the wallet out of my pants while I was passed out. Anyway, Edgefest rocked even if I am broker than the US Treasury after the Bush administration.

My first satisfied customer!

2007-06-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Listen up, Anger Allies....Now that I’m a public figure, I feel I have a responsibility to help others in my community. I wanted to help people with something close to my heart. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to find extra time with your family when you work long hours. I am painfully aware of bosses that refuse to let you off for your child’s ball game or event. That’s why I have founded The Get Out of Work Ass Whooping Service. And I make it easy! At my website, simply click the “Schedule My Ass Whooping” button and let little Timmy know you’ll be there to see him get his Honor Roll award. At least you’ll see him with the eye that’s not swollen shut. With my online menu, you choose the level of Ass Whooping I provide. Just want off a little early? Choose the “Parking Lot Pop Knot”. Need a week or two? You might consider the “Full on Atomic Ass Whooping” where I spontaneously show up and whip your ass so bad that Tina Turner will want to marry me. Email me today and I’ll give you the bonus guarantee of at least two broken bones and a trip to the ER. Isn’t your family worth it? Remember: An Ass Whooping today is time off tomorrow! House calls are extra. Not liable for medical bills or permanent injuries.

Here's my $30 - Kick away, Mr. Wino (Alternate title: Now I Know Why Dogs Do That)

2007-06-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

This one’s got me more chafed than Spiderman that day he left his suit in the dryer too long. Everyone seems to be buzzing about Fantastic Four 2 – The Rise of the Silver Surfer. Another Fantastic Four?. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I was completely stoked to see the first installment of The Fantastic Four. But frankly, in terms of enjoyment, watching the first one ranked right up there with running through a lion's den wearing nothing but pork chop underwear. Don’t get me wrong, like any heterosexual male, I think it’s hot seeing Jessica Alba in that tight spandex suit. I mean that suit is so tight that you don’t just see the toe but the whole damn camel. But Jessica Alba playing a scientist? Come on….. that makes about as much sense as seeing a tornado and trying to take cover behind the Olsen twins. And then you have Mr. Fantastic getting married? Dude, what are you doing getting married? Let me get this straight…..you can literally stretch any part of your anatomy as long as you want and in any shape imaginable and you wanna get married? You GOTTA be frickin’ kidding me! Married is a definite no and with that superpower….I might, and I do mean I might, consider saving the world as long as it fit somewhere between me a) sneaking my super stretchy arm past white house security so I could repeatedly give George Bush an atomic wedgie and b) using my stretchy head to reenact what my dog spends most of his free time doing. And don’t even act like you wouldn’t give it serious thought if you were that limber. And what’s up with the computer generated Silver Surfer? For a hundred million dollars that the best they’ve got? He looks like someone spray painted Howie Mandel while he was naked and gave him a surfboard. The good news for you, Anger Allies, is that my psychic abilities allow me to review Fantastic Four 2 before I have even seen it. My rating for this movie is 3 ½ flushes because that’s how many it will take to get this colossal butt nugget down the waterway. But yet, somehow, someway, my kids will drag me to see the Fantastic Foreskins and the whole time I’ll be thinking that I could have had more fun if I had gone downtown and given that $30 bucks to a wino to just kick me in the nuts for an hour and a half.

A Real, er, Wheel Player

2007-06-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

This week it was reported that movie star, Owen Wilson, rode over to a high profile, New York strip club called Scores West Side. You might not think that sounds odd at all until I tell you he rode up on a mountain bike. A MOUNTAIN BIKE? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Hey, Owen, did you valet that? Does your bike have a little bell on it so you can let everyone know the player’s on the scene? Maybe some playing cards in the spokes so you can make it sound just like a real motorcycle? Yeah, a mountain bike is exactly what every hot topless chic is looking for in a man. The only way you could have made it better is if you had shown up stylin’ a fanny pack full of quarters to tip the dancers with. Or maybe you could have challenged the naked ladies to a Dungeons and Dragons Tournament followed by showing off your extensive wealth of Star Wars trivia. Dude, you must be the lamest player in Hollywood because you couldn’t even keep Kate Hudson on the line and she was married to that singer from the Black Crowes who looked like Osama Bin Laden after a three day acid trip. So listen up, high roller….I suggest you throw on your best pair of parachute pants, throw your Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the handlebar basket, pedal your ass to the chess club meeting and leave those nice topless dancers to someone a little more manly like Rosie ODonnell.

Illusions of Grandeur

2007-06-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

This one has me more bent out of shape than Barry Bond's hypodermic needle. Maybe you’ve seen Illusionist Criss Angel on that show, Mindfreak. This past week Criss performed a Houdini-style trick in New York. First, he was put in a box of glass, then they filled it with concrete and suspended it 40 feet off of the ground. Twenty-four hours later the six thousand pound box crashed to the ground, only to the surprise of the crowd, Criss appeared on some nearby scaffolding. Are you frickin’ kidding me? First off…..To the surprise of the crowd? Who made up this crowd? A team from the Special Olympics? Criss, does anyone really believe you were in that box for 24 hours? Second, you spell Criss with a double ‘s’? The only way you could get any gayer than that is if you changed your name to Ryan Secrest. So, after the box crashed and you magically re-appeared like Kirstie Alley on a stack of blueberry pancakes, you said, “I’d like to dedicate this escape to my girl ‘Trouble,’ a.k.a. Cameron. I love you baby. Have a safe trip to Europe for your Shrek tour.” How sweet. In all honesty, I didn’t think Cameron Diaz could get a man any gayer than Justin Timberlake but compared to you Justin looks like Steven Segal…well, Steven Segal minus about 2000 buckets of KFC extra crispy chicken legs. Have you seen that dude lately? The only thing Steven Seagal chops now is some round steak smothered in white gravy. But I digress…back to Criss. The bottom line, you wanna impress me with an escape, Sweet Pants, why don’t you try escaping from my ex wife. I tried throwing a few smoke bombs and climbing out the back door of my Pontiac but I’ll be damned if she didn’t find me. If you can pull off that trick, you just might be the new Copperfield.

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2007-06-15T07:21:00.001-07:00

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Will everybody PLEASE stop stealing from my Grandma!

2007-06-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

You see, Britney, you are not the only one stealing clothes from my grandma. Here, Uma Thurman shows off my Granny’s favorite swim suit. Of course, Granny liked it because it concealed her extra large adult diaper band but what’s your excuse, Uma? On the bright side, if you fall off a cliff….and by fall off I mean when the fashion police arrive and kick the crap out of you and then throw your crazy ass off a cliff for wearing the dumbest bikini in the history of bikinis…..well, then you can just turn upside down and that parachute should open right up. And that big hearty laugh you’re having there…..I can only imagine how fun it would be to end that with the industrial strength wedgie I could give you with that retarded bikini. What are you laughing at anyway? I know what I’m laughing at…..I’m laughing at the fact that your last eight movies combined made the same amount as I what I spent for my Spicy Chicken sandwich value meal. In all fairness, I did pay 50 cents more for the extra cheese.

The New Inspector Gadget !

2007-06-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

It appears that Britney Spears has taken a role as the first female Inspector Gadget. I almost didn't recognize her in that "librarian" disguise (as if she needs glasses. Everyone knows she can't read.) But hey, don't laugh, it worked for Clark Kent. As you can see, she is apparently testing out one of the newest devices…..I can hear it now….”GO GO GADGET BOOB - RIGHT SIDE!” What kind of spring does that thing require? Must be like getting hit by Mike Tyson in his prime. TWHACK! With a quick swing left or right she can knock a bad guy on his ass and leave a nipple imprint in his forehead that will remind him of his defeat by Gadget Britney for the rest of his life. And all the while her Gadget Radio is blasting Justin Timberlake as she mumbles something incoherant about his sexy back. Oh the shame! Villains beware…..Gadget Britney is on patrol. Stay tuned for the debut of Britney’s Go Go Gadget Labia and Go Go Gadget Anus...

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2007-06-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

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Skankapalooza Tour 07

2007-06-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

And finally…Two words have me angrier than a midget alcoholic when the whiskey’s on the top shelf. Lindsay Lohan –So, Lindsay, let me get this straight, a couple weeks back, pictures surfaced on the internet of you handing out cocaine to your friends like you were at Tony Montana’s birthday party. (Ju wan sum of dis blow, main?) This week, in the span of about 4 hours, you leave the club drunk, wreck your car, get a DUI, leave the police station and then make alcoholics nationwide swell with pride by immediately returning to the club until 4 am? Are ju frickin’ kidding me, main? What is this… the Skankapalooza Tour? And how the hell is it that you can afford to pass out blow like it was peppermints from my grandma’s purse and still not spend a little money to hire a limo driver? Or maybe a taxicab. Hell, at this pace maybe the safest thing you could do is just find a post outside the club to which you could tie a frickin’ camel to ride! Then you could combine your two favorite things, driving drunk and getting your hump on. Yeah, getting pulled over while drunk driving on a camel down Hollywood Blvd might be embarrassing but at least you get to keep your driver’s license. Then to top that off, when you and the rest of the Skangwagon Gang leave the club from the second leg of your tour, the papparazi took pictures of you on the sidewalk blowing chunks like the Krakatau Volcano. Well, somebody’s had a busy day, huh Tiger? The only thing you left out was floatin’ a steaming turd in your $800 pair of Louis Vitton sweatpants. Of course, I’m sure you will tell everyone that this was just research for the new movie where you play a stripper but I don’t seem to recall ever tipping a stripper who ralphed up an extra long cheese coney in the middle of my lap dance. Well, here’s a couple tips for you, Skanksy Blowhan… Number 1…Learn to hold your liquor and Number 2…be responsible ….the next time you think about getting behind the wheel drunk and turning your car into a 5000 lb missile, why don’t you do the right thing and aim it at Paris Hilton?

Crazy and Baffoon

2007-06-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

TV and movie star, Anne Heche and her estranged husband, one Mr Coleman Laffoon, are fighting for custody of their child. Now, he is suing on the grounds that she is not mentally competent enough to take care of their child. Did I say Mr Coleman Laffoon? I should have said Mr Coleman BAFOON! Are you Frickin’ kidding me? Let me ask you something there, Mr Coldcut Bafoon, you mean to tell me, when you married Anne Heche, that you were the ONLY person on the planet who didn’t know she had more screws loose than the Mike Huckabee campaign? Come on, Mr Combover Baboon, we’re talking about the woman who not that long ago broke up with Ellen DeGeneres and was found wandering in the desert, pickin’ boogers and telling people that the mother ship was on the way to get her. Dude, she’s so crazy that people who do LSD should refer to it as “Dropping Anne Heche”. Do you smell what I’m stepping in there, Mr Colostomy Baloon? Then Anne Heche fires back by saying that, when their son stays with him in Los Angeles, that he sends the boy to preschool while he "plays poker and views pornography online.” Yeah? And what’s your point, Anne?
Do you know how much porn it would take to erase the memory of seeing you naked? Let’s just say that there’s a good chance that I would need to keep back up copies of Forest Hump and Pulp Friction on hand. Get it? On hand? Bottom line, you two morons combined couldn’t poor piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. I’m rooting for the grandparents.

The Rear-View

2007-06-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

ABC producers opted not to renew Rosie O’Donnell’s contract in spite of the fact that the View has a bigger audience and more publicity than ever. That makes sense doesn’t it? Are you frickin’ kidding me? ABC letting go of their cash Rosie, errrr, I mean cash cow makes about as much sense as putting Nicole Richie and the word “cleavage” in the same sentence. Don’t get me wrong... I still think Rosie runs her big mouth way too much. In fact, I imagine the only time Rosie’s mouth ever closes is when she clamps it around a 5 lb ham shank. But how the hell are the producers not going to pony up the bucks when Rosie brought the ratings to the highest they’ve ever been? Put it like this, if I had to have surgery on my prostate and when I woke up I realized that the doctor had doubled the size of my Johnson while he was there, well I sure as hell would wanna pay him a little extra. In all honesty, before Rosie was on there, I didn’t even know there was a show called The View. And now that she’s gone, what’s left? A couple of women so old that they could have left a waiter’s tip at the last supper and that blond woman who reminds me of a Chihuahua on crack. Seriously, if my choices were A) listening to her incessant yapping for an hour or B) letting Clay Aiken give me a colonoscopy then I guess I better call my HMO to see if Clay is in network. And now, oh brilliant ABC producers, I guess the world can just sit back and watch The View’s ratings sag like Hillary Clinton’s ass.

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2007-06-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

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Fatties Unite!

2007-05-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

Meme Roth of National Action Against Obesity recently said Jordin Sparks is too obese to win American Idol. Roth says that Sparks, the 17 year old winner of this year's American Idol and daughter of former NFL cornerback Phillippi Sparks, sends a bad message to a society in the midst of child obesity crisis. “When I look at Jordin, what I see is heart disease, I see diabetes, I see high cholesterol."

Are you frickin’ kidding me? When I look at Jordin I see a girl so cute that if you put her next to a group of puppies they would instantly look like maggots with legs. But Meme, you Barbie-syndrome, anorexia pushin’, lunch throwin’ up nut case, what I see when I look at you is A) a posterchild for mandible augmentation. Hell, with a 5:00 shadow you could give George Clooney a run for super-powered jawlines and B) a woman who most likely hides her index fingers from the world because the ends of them are probably melted to nubs from the years of stomach acid they encountered while spearing the back of your throat.

If it was up to me, I would have you kidnapped and hypnotized to believe that Ronald McDonald was Jesus and that eating the holy Big Macs was the only way to get through the pearly gates. If karma is truly a wheel, then I pray it is in the shape of a burger when it rolls it’s greasy, cheesy goodness all over you.

For God's sake, she's only 17 you frickin' nutbag. Meme, I blame you for Nicole Richie and those idiotic blond twins who look like stick figures....you know...Mary Carp and Assface....or whatever.

See Jordin, I got your back. Now make those of us with junk in our trunk proud and put out a CD that doesn’t suck like Reuben and Fantasia’s.

I knew you took it, John.

2007-05-22T12:42:00.001-07:00

The other day, modern day Jazz great, John Legend came by my pad, which, I assure you is somewhere near 1350 square feet of the sweetest heaven he’s ever seen in his life. He seemed particularly fascinated by my incredible skills in décor and the fact that I have Golden Tee Golf for my PS2. He begged to play and three bottles of Cristall later, after I was 32 under par and he was 3 over (not bad for someone who has logged under 3,000 hours of videogame golf), he asked if he could borrow it. Of course, I said, “Hell no. Buy your own. But you can borrow Mario Kart, if you want.” He got mad and stomped out like a 5 year old and said he was headed clubbing. The next morning I noticed that the cool ass Acme Anvil I had in my front yard (Because, really, who doesn’t love all things Wile-E-Coyote?) was missing. After seeing this picture, it’s obvious that John did, in fact, steal my anvil and decided to hide it in the front of his pants. John, when you wake up, I fully expect that back. Damn, man, that’s just sorry to steal aother man’s anvil. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Look at that thing! I’m sure every chic that ever saw him naked immediately had Sesame Street flashbacks and began calling him Mr. Snufflelufagus. Does that thing have its own kickstand, John? Zip code maybe? He sure as hell ain’t the one that will disprove the age old myth of who has the bigger appendages. Thanks a lot, John. That high pitched sound that made your ears bleed at 8 am this morning was the unified screams of white men across the planet opening their email to see this picture and beg1n to sob in shame. Inconsiderate bastard.

Grandma's moonlighting again...

2007-05-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Wow! That’s amazing! Britney went from head shave to hair in the middle of her back in less than 2 months. She must be taking some great vitamins! Then again…..are you frickin’ kidding me? Unbeknownst to me, Britney has traded in her hairdresser for my grandma and her world-renowned sock sewing skills. She was the best! I remember one time I went to a friend’s house to jump on their trampoline with some buddies and when I took my shoe off and they got their first look at “frankensock” they thought it was the coolest thing ever. They were so jealous that they all took turns hitting me and giving me wedgies so hard that my ass crack started at the base of my neck. Funny, they didn’t take my sock, though. Seriously, Brit, you have like millions of dollars in the bank. Do you think you might get someone who has something other than a knitting needle and a certificate of completion from Thelma’s Online Cross-Stitching School to take care of your extensions? Dumbass.

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2007-05-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

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He's Magnum and I'm Not

2007-05-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

So, I’ll admit it, I loved Magnum P.I. when I was a kid. The cool Ferrari, Doberman’s named Apollo and Zeus and a friend with a chopper…..oh yeah…I almost forgot all the hot babes….You see, Magnum put the P.I in P.I.M.P…..Ok, so maybe that was really lame but not as lame as what Selleck said last night about the upcoming movie remake of his old show.

“I tell you what worries me - because I love Magnum & we have loyal fans - is they take these TV show titles, & they buy them & they spend $100 million on special effects, & then they make fun of them & trivialize it. Then they try & get the actor who used to be in it to do some ridiculous cameo to prove to the audience that it's OK. & I will not do that."

Ummmmmm…..Yeah, Tom……how much more trivialized can you make a private eye in a half-buttoned, Hawaiian shirt who in every episode makes sexy-time with some bimbo in his basement and then 10 minutes later is abusing his butler with a dorky one-liner and then running away from the doberman’s that wanna rip his asshole out?

I guess I could say I didn’t want my penis trivialized by having my life story reenacted by a porn star, too but everyone knows that, just like your TV show, a bigger, better version is probably fine with everyone. Especially my wife. God bless her. Because no one ever called me “Magnum”. Mostly, my past dates just stood there and giggled. And now you know why I am so angry.

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2007-05-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

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Ummmmm, that's just wrong

2007-05-11T06:16:00.000-07:00

DaaaaaaYummmmm! For those of you who don’t know, Amy Winehouse is one of the most incredible singers out right now. Her hobbies include songwriting, reading the Angry, Angry Viewer’s blog, hangin’ out with friends and obsessively hitting herself in the mouth with a frickin’ hammer. HELLO!!!!!!!! Amy….WTF!!!! Did you get drunk one night and try to eat a concrete pylon? Do you gargle with a jar of bolts? You need to get a couple chiclets and shove ‘em in those holes, honey. And you went on the Late Night looking like that? I mean, damn, make up is one thing but they don’t have oral surgeons to prep you for a TV talk show. Maybe you could have just held up a picture of Kirsten Dunst in front of you while you sang. I mean, her teeth suck but at least she has a few. I really, really love your music but, seriously, down a few shots of tequila, get your hammer out and go ahead and bang the rest of those bone fragments out of your mouth. When you wake up, it’s gonna hurt like hell but at least you’ll be ready to get fit for dentures. AMY WINEHOUSE IN CONCERT….brought to you by Polident.

Will somebody call the damn Orkin Man, please?

2007-05-10T05:41:00.000-07:00

RUN! RUN! Killer beetles are on the attack! Are you frickin kidding me? I’m praying that you drank so much PGA the night before that you were suffering from temporary blindness when you put that dress on. That could also explain the reason you weigh the same amount as my zebco rod and reel. That same blindness must have you mistaking a plate full of flesh eating virus and a glass of delicious air for dinner. Mischa, you seem like a nice enough girl and all but don’t you think it’s time you tried a food substance that wasn’t a powder? I know that wheat thin you put in your mouth will seem really foreign but you have to give it a shot. Could you just bite a little piece off of the corner for Daddy? I’d like you to grow into more than a sea monkey in a jellybean dress, princess.

Fire, me no like fire

2007-05-10T05:29:00.000-07:00

WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE! Wow……now it’s all too clear why her dad said she had a nice rack. Yeah, sure, she has the vernacular of a 12 year old and the brain of a 12 year old but I’m sure Joe Simpson spent weeks robbing morgues to assemble the parts to complete his masterpiece.....Frankenbreast. Hell, if you just added a couple of bolts and a zig zag line across her neck you could actually hear her say, “Me hungry for man love”. Of course, with today’s plastic surgeons, it’s no surprise they were able to hide the scar from Joe’s chainsaw adventure at the mortuary. But, you know that feeling you get when you’re so tired that you get home and realize that the McDonald’s drivethru person messed up your order so bad that, instead of a Big Mac and fries you get a half eaten apple pie and a couple stale chicken nuggets but you just look at it and eat it anyway because all you really wanna do is go to bed? That must have been what happened when Joe got home and realized he got the wrong brain for Frankenbreast, errrrr, his daughter. He just stared at it a while and said, “Well, Daddy’s girl may never be able to count to 20 without her shoes off, but she will be able to count on that nice rack.” Nice job, Joe but maybe next time you make a woman from spare parts you could use an actual brain instead of that bowl of red jello.

Monday Morning Clowns

2007-05-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

1) Of course she said it wasn’t her.

A video released online shows Lindsay Lohan snorting loads of a white, powdery substance. I’m sure it was Tide detergent. You see, she had sinus infection that made a nasty smell in her nose and just wanted to have that Mountain Spring clean scent all night long at the club. Who of us can’t understand that? I mean, damn, give the girl a break. Does every white powder she puts in her nose HAVE TO BE drugs? Can’t a girl launder her nostrils without judgement?

2) Eu de WTF?

Kiera Knightly said, I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean. Ummmmm, no what you need is a new publicist who can shut you the hell up before you spout out something along the line that you also haven’t trimmed your “easy bake oven” since the last Cosby Show aired and that dental hygiene is too much effort. Please, someone, shut her the hell up before the teenage boy suicide hotline crashes from overload.

3) Pete Doherty is a Scientist.

Pete Doherty was arrested for the 1.8 billionth time this weekend. I bet you can’t guess why. I guess you have to be impressed, to some degree, that he has basically invented the first hybrid human being. Instead of blood, Pete’s circulatory system is completely made up of cheap whiskey and heroin. I guess everybody has to do their part for science. Kudos to you, Pete. I’m so inspired by Pete, that next week, I plan on swapping my blood out with gravy so that I can become the world’s first “official” lard ass. See, Rosie O’Donnell, you ain’t shit.

4) Go baby, go!

The Queen of England graced the Kentucky Derby this past weekend. Presumably to see her daughter in law, Camilla, race……..ummmmm……get it? See, she’s kind of a horse-faced looking woman. Ummm….she has really big teeth and a nasty English overbite….ahhh, forget it.

5) Add some cheese and you got a sensible snack.

Speaking of the Kentucky Derby, both Kid Rock and K-Fed were seen there. They actually had their picture made TOGETHER. To which Nabisco’s Ritz line management team called an emergency strategy session because they had never been “out-crackered” like that in public before.

The Lesser Owen Brother

2007-05-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

Mr. Luke Wilson – So, your newest venture, the horror movie, Vacancy, has only managed to scare up 13 million in two weeks. It cost 20 million to make and about 10 million to advertise. Let’s see….cost 30 million – made 13 million… that sucks about as bad as the time I got drunk and my friends convinced me the only way to get rid of crabs involved paint thinner and a box of matches. Hey Luke, care to take a guess as to why this movie will never make any profit? Are you frickin’ kidding me?

What part of “you suck” do you not understand? Out of the 34 movies you have been a part of, the only ones that made money were Old School with Will Ferrell, Anchorman which had…mmmm…Will Ferrell and Blades of Glory which was …Ummm….I don’t know….FRICKIN’ WILL FERRELL? Basically, they could have inserted my momma’s glass eye into the role you had and not only would the movies have made as much money, they probably would have gotten a little more acting intensity, too because you’re about as sharp as a frickin’ cue ball. Now, don’t get me wrong, if I were you, I would cling to Ferrell like a dingleberry satellite orbiting Uranus because you’re riding a frickin’ gravy train on biscuit wheels.

And here’s a message to all the directors out there. Apparently, you think every time Owen Wilson turns a role down you can just insert his no talent hack of a brother in the role and we won’t notice. Well guess what, you can also spraypaint a turd green and put a picture of George Washington on it but that doesn’t mean anyone at the Dollar Store is dumb enough to take it. Morons.

You Shouldn't Have Said That....

2007-05-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

This quote has me more pissed off than Rosie O’Donnell when the local pub quit serving gravy by the shot. Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying; “The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don't want that distraction from my work. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar." ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME???

Where do I even start? Leave you alone? Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had equipped every single paparazzo with one of those round flashing beepers from Outback Steakhouse so they know the exact moment you plan to act like an idiot again. I mean, I could say I don’t want attention all day long but if I walk around with a half empty bottle of Stoli’s Vodka in one hand and my penis in the other, there’s a damn good chance that somebody might notice. Likely it would be my wife saying, “not again” but that’s not the point!

AND, and, and…..I can’t even bring myself to say it…..You want an OSCAR???? For what? Acting? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? Lindsay, you couldn’t locate good acting unless it was attached to the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila or if somehow it was passed to you at a party wrapped up in a zig zag. I hate to inform you but they don’t yet have an Oscar for being the person who can best flash her Everlasting gobstuffer in public and if they did it would damn sure go to Britney. I would rather be date raped by Dustin Diamond and his special friend Sanchez than have to suffer through watching your craptastic movies. Enough said.

Chad is asking for it

2007-05-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

I can’t watch a single TV show after 7pm without having to see this damn commercial air more than Paris Hilton’s vagina. You know the one….that damn All-smell commercial with Chad. It plays more times an hour than Freebird in a trailer park.

Second, how dumb do you have to be to let those 4 geeks force you into the back of a van? Apparently, Chad couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. Think about it. Then again maybe it was voluntary… let’s examine this commercial’s plot a little closer.

1) You have 4 dudes asking another dude to get in the back of a van after work.

2) He gets in

2) One of ‘em says they wanna do “stuff” to him

3) He pinches Chad

4) The song come and get your love starts playing.

If I didn’t know better I’d say this was the first two minutes of a gay porn movie. And the feature they’re promoting is “My circle”. More like my circle JERK. Either way, I don’t give a damn; I would rather castrate myself with a spork from KFC than have to see that commercial one more time.

But Chad, seriously, if you interrupt CSI Miami again, I will personally make certain that the next van you get pulled into won’t be about getting love unless you have a fetish for duct tape and brass knuckles.

You again?

2007-04-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

Amazingly enough, Britney Spears is planning to write a tell all book about her life, which from the looks of her recent outfits, I am guessing it would be a pop-up book filled with colorful pictures of empty penicillin bottles and blue star ointment. Are you frickin’ kidding me? A book? Who’s ghostwriting that? George W Bush? Is it just me or does anyone else vaguely recall that day in 9th grade health class when the teacher said the last symptom of syphilis was insanity? Then again, I’m certain Britney’s book would make for very entertaining reading. Maybe it would be like Dr Seuss ….and maybe……it would go like this…:

I do not like these, no I don’t
Underwear, I just won’t
I would not put them on my box
No cover for my hairless fox
I will not wear them here nor there
I shall not wear my underwear
I do not like them red nor white
Though I wish I had a neon light
To glamorize my catcher’s mitt
Cannot, will not, hide one bit
Not today or tomorrow but maybe later
Now everyone meet
Mrs. Sphincter's next door neighbor

Good luck on your sure to be brilliant, book, skankbag, errrrr, Ms. Spears.

Could it be you?

2007-04-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Oh my God! I am so mad at you right now. Do you know how long we have been looking for you, Grandma? And then I see you there, walking across the parking lot smacking that same Dentyne gum you always used to have in your purse whenever you came to the house. Strange though, this picture gives me the oddest feeling that, instead of the sweet smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and summery sheets hanging on the clothesline, you now smell like three day old peach schnapps and stale smoke with a just a hint of lambskin with nonoxenol 9. (Amazing how my odd feelings are so detailed, isn’t it?) However, I am 100% sure that you are wearing the exact same horse hair wig and muumuu I last saw you in during the summer of 78. I bet those are even Grandpa’s old boots, aren’t they. I’m really mad as hell but if you’ll come home and read me Lost Little Puppy again I could probably find it in my heart to forgive you. ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? Britney….come on……I mean, damn, did you just roll outta bed this morning and think, “I wanna look as trailer as I can today”? And what the hell is that on your head? Did you beat that raccoon to death with an umbrella this morning when you found it digging in your frickin’ trash can? And please stop wearing those boots. Contrary to whoever said so, boots DO NOT go with jammies. However, I do appreciate your personal efforts to help stop global warming by using that vortex on your face to suck in all the carbon dioxide. Hey, maybe that’s the problem. You’re only acting crazy because you’ve been trying to save the world from itself, right? Well…..DON’T. Please just let me go quietly to sleep as I lie next to the exhaust pipe on my 1983 Chevette. Good night, Grandma and I ‘m sorry I took apart your TV while you were taking a nap that day and you couldn’t watch your soap opera.

VAN DAMNIT! Jean Claude Van Dork is back!

2007-04-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Next on my list of things that make me more aggravated than Paris Hilton at a monogamy rally. Moviehole reports that Jean Claude Van Damme will be extending slightly beyond the action genre to try his hand at a supernatural thriller with some horror elements in Holy Blood, said to be something like The Exorcist meets The X-Files. Are you frickin’ kidding me? More like Kung fu clown meets stupid script. Van damnit! And I guess this is somehow different from the 32 straight to DVD turdtaculars he did last year. If I had an hour and a half to spend and my choices were A) endure Jean Claude Van Dork’s ridiculous Belgian accent or B) Use a hot iron to get the wrinkles out of my penis then I guess you better hand me the spray starch and that would be the heavy starch if you catch my drift. I also like the fresh lemon scent but that’s optional. By comparison…Jean Claude is to acting as frickin’ Alec Baldwin is to child nurturing. Hey Jean….do producers actually call you to make these or do you stand on the side of Hollywood Blvd with a sign that says, “Will work for food”? As much as I believe in helping the homeless, I would have to let your chop-suey ass starve to death.

Joe, You're Going Down

2007-04-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

Just two days after his arrest on Tuesday for violating a contempt of court citation, Girls Gone Wild founder, Joe Francis, faces new charges for trying to bribe a guard for bottled water and having drugs in his cell. First of all, Joe, a frickin’ bottle of water? If you’re gonna go down for bribery couldn’t you have at least taken a page from the boys at Lonoke and just asked for the chief’s wife to swing by and rough up the suspect a little bit? And where did those drugs come from? They said they strip searched you so I am guessing you had those in your double top secret storage compartment….errr…your ass. But that’s not even close to the worst for you, Joe. Listen to this exact quote from the newspaper: In the courtroom, Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led back to his cell. YOU’VE GOTTA BE frickin’ kidding me! Joe, Not only are you known for being a pudgy, soft-porn mogul but now you’re gonna cry on national TV while good old mom blows you a kiss? Dude, you may as well have just had a tattoo put on your lower back of an arrow pointing down that reads “ Large Prisoners Go Wild Here” It’s a good thing your momma blew you a kiss because you’re gonna be spending a lot of time getting to know your daddies. That’s plural, Joe. A lot of daddies. So you better invest in a lot of chapstick. Because you don’t think those cigarettes are gonna trade for themselves do ya?

Ronald Reagan Wants to Kill You

2007-04-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

Courtney Cox’s husband, David Arquette, has followed in Rob Zombie’s footsteps and made himself a little scary movie. And from the look of it, he’s been puffing the magic dragon pretty hard, too because I would rather pole dance naked for my 85 year old grandma than watch this turd soufflé. Let me give you the set up. The Tripper is a movie about a group of drugged-out hippies that go out to the redwood forest for a weekend long concert and end up getting hunted and attacked by a killer that's dressed up like Ronald Reagan. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Ronald Reagan? Yeah….that’s horrifying…..a killer that looks like a 76 year old man with Alzheimer’s. He was gonna kill me but he forgot who he was and what he was doing so I just told him he was making me a frickin’ sub sandwich with extra mustard and to hurry the hell up. Oh but it gets worse. Old Ronald Reagan has a killer dog named…..are you ready….Nancy. A killer dog named Nancy….That’s about as Nutty as a port-a-potty at a peanut festival. And it gets even worse…David Arquette plays a weed smoking lumberjack named Muff…. Yeah, I said Muff. Do I really need a punchline there? Ok then….Playing a character named Muff is about as funny as the time my friends talked me into believing you could milk a bull. That stuff may be frothy but it sure don’t go good with Captain Crunch. Apparently David Arquette and creativity go together about as well as rap music collaboration between Ice Cube and Don Imus.

Welcome to the Idiot Party, Mr. John Crapolta

2007-04-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

John Travolta told the Irish Independent “I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn’t go the way they did was because of my beliefs,”. Ummmmmmmmmm…….Hello, Mr. Ego Maniac……the only comparison between you and Elvis is that extra 50-60 lbs you’re lugging around from that all lard diet you must be on. Is that Scientology clean? And last I checked, 99.999999% of men would rather get it on with WHAT’S LEFT of Marilyn Monroe than you. It would have been 100% but Richard Simmons and Sanjaya Malakar actually cast a vote for you.

Look chief, I know your new movie, appropriately named Wild Hogs, has been a surprise blockbuster but that doesn’t make up for that space turd, Battlefield Earth. Is that really your best homage to L. Ron Hubbard? Then again, I am sure he’s getting the last laugh with all you clowns spouting his Scientology smack when it’s something he came up with one night after about his fifth rum shooter. I think it was him and a few buddies and it went something like this:

L. Ron: “Errrrrrrrrr, uhhhhhhhhh, ummmmmmm…..listen to this shit (cause that’s what drunk people always say first)…….Don’t ya think if Jesus was here now he could make a lotta jack. I bet he wished he could have sold the bible. I bet he could have bilked those stupid Pharisees out of millions by charging for healings. If he had only had a machine that had some flashing lights and a little arrow that showed how much healing they actually needed. That would have been a riot man!”

L. Ron’s drinking buddy, Bob: "You’re drunk, man and you’re blocking my view of the game. Sit down and shut up. Wait a minute……Did you say Jesus could charge money? You’re an idiot. That’s the lamest thing I ever heard. "

L. Ron: "Yeah…..well…..(hiccup)….I think…..oh dude, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Anyway……I still think it’s brilliant. Anymore of that pizza left? "

Yeah, Johnny……Apparently to be a Scientologist it requires you to have a lot of money, a big mouth and the ability to make the dumbest comments in recorded history. Why don’t you and Tom Cruise just get married so you two geniuses can make sweet, sweet love….errrrrr………cleanse each other’s thetans all night long? Idiot.

Please Kill Me Now

2007-04-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

CBS has plans to bring '80s cartoon classics Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears back to television. Yeah, that’s what we need for our kids. While kids in Japan are busy designing computer chips in first grade, we can look forward to another whole generation of frickin’ Sanjayas. Care Bears will have new original characters like Cheer Bear and Funshine. Well, la-di-frickin’ da…..Can Cheerbear teach my kid to build a frickin’ I-Pod? Can Funshine teach my boy criminal law so he can get daddy out of jail from beating on the creators of lame ass cartoons? Daddy needs some dough. What they need is to create Co-Dependant bear so he can show my little angry viewer how to take care of daddy when he’s old and bitter. As a matter of fact, why not have SCARE BEARS. You could have Bank Rob-Bear, Flimflam Bear, Bear Nekkid, and Hold my Bear and Watch this Sh**. Now THAT would be good.

Pick Me, Pick Me

2007-04-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Every since Angelina started collecting kids like frickin’ Yugio cards, every other celebrity wants to get in on the craze. Madonna has one and now it’s been said that Penelope Cruz and Leonardo DiCrapio want one, too. Are you frickin kidding me? Hey clowns do you realize it takes more than just a little water and sunshine to grow one of these? They’re not frickin’ sea monkeys. Maybe you guys could make up little trading cards for each one so when you get bored with them you can trade ‘em out with other celebrities. I’ll swap you a Maddox for a David. They could get points for being frickin potty trained or coming with an agent already attached to give them more value. What the hell, maybe like baseball cards they could each come with a frickin’ piece of that stale ass, teeth breaking gum stuck to their back. And you know if the A-Listers are adopting now, that the rest of these clowns will jump at the chance faster than Eddie Murphy on a transvestite hooker. And then the next thing you know Paris Hilton is adopting kids and raising a whole new generation of skank bags.

But, seriously, the real reason I am mad is that Angelina Jolie has not offered to adopt me. Angelina, listen, I have three reasons you should pick me over one of those foreign kids: #1) I can fill out my own paperwork and there won’t be any of those annoying fees #2) Most of the time, I don’t crap my pants. and #3) I am a huge proponent of breastfeeding. A lot. All day. All night. It’s just what’s best for baby.

Time for an intervention

2007-04-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

Rumour has it LA Lakers forward Luke Walton is dating Britney Spears. Hey Luke….are you frickin’ kidding me? What is it, man? You didn’t figure hooking up with chics in 40 different road game cities a year gave you a good enough shot to catch a scorching case of VD? I guess you don’t mind playing in an arena where lots of other players have been doing some hard dunking lately?

NBA players are supposed to get the best chics, Luke. Tony Parker has Eva Longoria…..hell, even crazy Dennis Rodman had Carmen Electra and you get Britney? Not hot, catholic school girl, hit me baby one more time, I would kill people to hook up with you, Britney but crotch flashing, head shavin, psycho car bashin’, post rehab Britney who looks like frickin’ Kojack in drag. Dude, seriously, if you just have a Kojack fetish you’d be better off digging up Telly Savalas and pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s type romance. Sure, all your NBA buddies would laugh when they saw you spooning with his skeletal remains but at least it’s a pretty slim chance that K-Fed was there first…. I’d rather shave my back with a frickin’ cheese grater than play back up to Kevin Federline.

But hey, on the bright side, maybe you can change her. Maybe you’re just the guy that can charm the snakes out of her head. Then again, maybe you have a better chance of painting her bald dome like a crystal ball and seeing into the future. Here’s a hint : It involves several trips to the free clinic. Hope you’re not allergic to penicillin, dumbass!

I pity the fool that doesn't heed my warning!

2007-04-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dun- du-dun-dunnn-dun- dun- dun … And….of course you instantly recognized that as the theme song from the best action series of the 80’s, The A-Team. Hannibal, Faceman, Murdock and BA “Bad Attitude” Baracus……..ahhhhh…….the crème de la crème of action cheese…..savor the flavor, baby. It seems just like yesterday ole George Peppard was bringing DeNiro-like acting chops to the line “I love it when a plan comes together.” As a matter of fact, who needs DeNiro or Pacino or Denzel or Hanks when you got Mr. frickin’ T ? I pity the fool that doesn’t believe me! Let’s reminisce just a little more and recap a typical episode, shall we? It opens with an explosion. Someone needs the A-Team. Hannibal meets them in some ridiculous disguise. The team agrees to help. Something blows up. The A-Team goes to work. Something else blows up. Face runs a scam to get what they need and then they drug BA and put him on a plane, of which he is terrified. Something really blows up and then they get caught. Then they devise a plan. Hannibal utters his classic line. They blow everything up and it ends with a little funny one liner about things blowing up.

Now, how the hell can you mess with something that good? I have personally seen NASA physicists cry because they could not devise a formula that amazing. But now Dark Horizons reports that “NBC is interested in bringing "The A-Team" back. The plan is for a four-hour NBC mini-series that will air next February. That would eventually lead to a new series starting next fall if it were to rate well.”

You can imagine that I was more excited than Simon Cowell at a man-bra sidewalk sale! Until…….. Until……I can’t seem to type through the tears of rage I am fighting. They not only want to make BA Baracus a woman but they want her to be played by……I can’t believe I am saying this….. Lil Kim, the rapper. ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? Would you pull Jimmy Stewart from it’s a wonderful life and replace him with Pauly frickin’ Shore? Bruce Willis in Die Hard with Pee Wee frickin’ Herman? Ben Affleck in Daredevil with Conan O’ frickin’ Brien? Ok, well, the last one might work. Actually, that would be much better. But Mr T with Lil Kim? That sounds more like the “D Team”.

I am certain that this corruption was foretold in the bible as prophecy for the end times. Repent readers, repent. The hour draws near when a big fire will appear in the sky. Jesus? Nope, Mr. T and he will be pissed off and collecting souls. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I ALMOST wasn't angry until I thought about it

2007-04-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

The show Hero rocks and I don’t give a damn what anybody says. Yet, all of that aside, I am EXTREMELY mad at the producers for never before revealing, much less allowing, Hayden Panittiere to use her real superpower. In the show, Hayden plays a young woman who has the power to regenerate from any physical harm. But see, that’s fake. The superpower in this picture is REAL! Are you frickin’ kidding me?

I am sure every man reading this already knows what the power is. Well, actually, no man is “reading” this right now unless you consider the fact they are touching the screen as an effort to read in braille. And if you are a man and you are not doing that….or you are a lady, I just have one question for you: Do you not recognize the finest superpower in the universe? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? It’s Hayden’s ability to completely disorient and disable the entire male population single-handedly, errrr, tonguedly with only the slightest of actions…..like…..say……ummmmm
……making out with another girl’s boobie.

So, to the producers of Heroes…fellow geeks, as much as I love your show, and I love it like Lindsay Lohan would love a Colt 45 malt-liquor lollipop dusted in sweet ganja dust, I am now forced to catch a flight just to come up there and bring my kung-fu fists of steel out from retirement and lay waste to you for your complete lack of respect for your male viewership. Please do not try to hide. This is unavoidable. Please show respect and meet me at the airport so I can simply get off the plane, reach in and pull out your hearts and show them to you as the plane takes back off prior to your collapse into a pile of mush on the tarmac. Thanks. Oh…and thanks again for a great TV show. Sorry you have to die.

Rob Zombie's Brilliant Money-Making Scheme

2007-04-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

Today is a banner day for me! Did I win the lottery? Nope. Did I get my own TV show? Nope. Did I get a hot lap dance? Hell no. But what I did get dropped in my lap is the “new” Halloween trailer from “writer/director” Rob Zombie. Apparently, he got permission to remake Halloween based on some other movie he made that, from the look of the box, had to do with killer clowns or something. But hey, what the heck, I always did like Halloween and I was actually kind of excited that someone might reinvent the franchise with a modern day Michael Myers with a whole new feel. Imagine how surprised I was when I cued up the ole trailer. I thought maybe I clicked on the wrong one because it looked almost exactly the same except for different actors. But when the moment for the mask came, I really wondered what he had done with that to freshen up the feel. Yeah, ummmm, it looks exactly the same. Are you frickin' kidding me?

Hey Rob… I have a question….can you really bill yourself as a “writer/director” if your “re-imagining” of the Halloween movie franchise is almost EXACTLY the same movie that John Carpenter made in 1978? It would appear that the only thing you have “re-imagined” is a way to make some quick dough from unsuspecting slasher fans. Is this your way of getting back at the public since there were only about 8 people who bought your last CD? And, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, Rob, but out of the 8 people who bought it…..5 currently use it as a coaster, 2 donated it to Goodwill (which they rejected because they have a policy against CDs that suck that bad. Although I did see they had a copy of Freddy Fender’s last CD on the rack, for what that’s worth) and the last one, well I bought that one just to wipe my can with and you may have the last laugh on that one because I still have CD shrapnel lodged around my anus. But that’s not the point, is it, oh “re-imaginer”? The point is that you made fifty cents. To tell the truth, I always suspected you were phonier than Paris Hilton’s promise not to have sex for a year (I am sure that by “not to” she meant as many as would have her in the next five minutes) and now I know it. Now that I think about it, you probably “re-imagined” all the CDs you released. You probably blatantly plagiarized were the writer/director of many CDs that were originally imagined by others, huh Zombie?

What’s next, Robert? Maybe you could “re-imagine” a show that revolves around really odd things happening. In one episode you could have a guy in a plane that is afraid of flying and when he looks out the window at 20,000 feet he sees some kind of creature on the wing of the plane. Yeah, and maybe you could call it “The Zombie Zone”. Or how about this…..maybe you could “re-imagine” a conceptual CD about a guy on heroin who “don’t need no education” and you could call it “Rob’s Wall”. Or maybe you could just admit you didn’t “re-imagine” or “write” anything at all. It’s just a remake for an audience of teenagers who never saw the original and wouldn’t know the difference if they were being fleeced or not. Nice work, Rob….and every time I sit down on my porcelain throne, the shrapnel in my ass will not only remind me that your CDs suck but that your “re-imagined” movies do, too.

"Rumer" has it I want to stab my eyeballs with a fork

2007-04-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

So Bruce Willis is back as John McClane in Die Hard 4. Look, I still think the first Die Hard is the best action movie ever made but isn’t Willis a little bit old to be doing this one again? Are you frickin kidding me? Think about it… the last time a the Die Hard franchise was popular we had a president who wasn’t hooked on phonics and Dick Cheney wasn’t VP…he was just, well, a dick.

What’s the name of this sequel again? Die Hard 4: Medicare Warrior? I mean, come on, what’s the premise? I guess ole Bruce will have to take on some really evil orderlies at the nursing home. What….is he pissed off about all the lumps in his cream of wheat? Are they not being fair with the shuffleboard time?

You know what, I’ll go see your movie, Bruce….on one condition….Would you please NOT let your facially-challenged daughter have a role in this? Bruce, I hate to break it to you but I think Demi Moore might have been cheating on you with….oh….I don’t know…. Mr. Frickin’ Potato Head. I’m almost positive that there’s a hidden panel in her back that opens up to reveal a variety of hats and some spare eyeballs. Seriously, I would rather deep fry my own scrotum than have to stare at Rumer Willis on screen for an hour and a half.

Bruce, I really appreciate you once again saving the world from terrorism but could you just save us from having to see her again or at least let her take a shoulder-fired missile to the head in the opening sequence?

Britney's New Bag

2007-04-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well, congratu-freakin’-lations to Britney Spears as she embarks on her post rehab life. Maybe she’ll actually remember she’s a parent now. Frankly, her kids have probably taken to calling a bag of skunk weed “mom” since they have been living with Fed-Ex and that’s the only thing that’s always there. A stank bag of weed and dad’s inexplicable propensity for speaking to his kids only in rap. Well, that craptastic spouting he calls rap, anyway. But, as always, I digress. This is a celebration of Brit-Brit’s new found freedom from insanity and her certain to be crunkalicious new CD. I thought maybe I could give her a few suggestions for the album title. After a great deal of time in my creative process….aka….sitting on my ass eating sesame chicken and sucking down iced tea ….I have come up with my …..

TOP THREE TITLES FOR BRITNEY’S NEW CD

A tribute to the 80’s
3) Flashpants

an ode to country music
2) The Carpet don’t Have to Match the Drapes cuz I ain’t got Either (get it? Think about it….no CARPET……)

And the top suggestion is…..no explanation needed on this one

1) Leave it to Beaver

Say What?

2007-04-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

In an interview with NME, a British magazine, Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards was asked something along the lines of what was the strangest thing he had ever snorted. First of all, who the hell asks a question like that? I probably would have answered “Your momma. I snorted her all day and night.” Of course, I probably would have had my ass whipped, too. I wish that dumb question was the end of the story. Now is the time you will really ask “Are you frickin’ kidding me?” What was Keith’s answer? He responded, “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated, and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said, adding that “it went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

I think the real question here is how the hell is he STILL alive? I think Keith Richards would have snorted a 78 Buick if he could have figured out how to get it fine enough to go through a straw. And I’m not completely sure I believe him when he says he’s “still alive”. Frankly, after that story, I am about 99% sure he is a flesh-eating zombie and has been since the late 70’s when he made a deal with the devil. You would think he could have at least bargained for good looks in the deal. I imagine it went something like this….

Keith: Hey there, devil man. I was thinking. If you could make it so’s I could smoke or snort anything I want for the next 60, maybe 70 years without dying I could pretty much give you my soul.

Devil: Ummmmm, yeah ok. You sure you don’t wanna be really good looking and be able to have all the women you want? Or at least be the greatest guitarist of all time?

Keith: Nope. The whole snort and smoke thing is cool. Well, there is one more thing. I think I wanna snort my old man when he finally kicks it.

Devil: Ummmmm….you wanna SNORT your dad?

Keith: Yeah, well his ashes, dude. Just for kicks man.

Devil: Yeah, ok Keith, I guess I can do that. Is that it….really?

Keith: Yep, I think so. I just wanna smoke or snort every single thing I can possibly roll up or get into a straw.

Devil: Done

Cue Devil laughing his ass off for the next 2 years straight. Can’t catch his breath and doubled over.

Yeah, in my mind, that’s pretty much how it had to be because any other explanation is just unbelievable.

Keith, you may be rich. You may be a decent guitar player. You may have more hits than 90% of every rock band in the world but you are a blithering moron with the IQ of a frickin’ pop tart.

Snort that.

Two for Tuesday on Monday

2007-04-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Ya know….there are some people I just DON’T want to be mad at but they make me. And today you, my anger allies, get two for the price of one.

The first of my daily double has me as angry as Kirstie Alley at 2am when she realizes she just ran out of Ho Hos and the 7-11 is closed. As a kid, my favorite hero of all time was Spider-Man. And, as you might imagine, when he finally came to the big screen I was as excited as Angelina Jolie at an all you can adopt foreign kid buffet. And, since 2002, Tobey McGuire has been the man behind the mask. Now he says he doesn’t want to be Spidey any more. Yeah, I guess it must really be a hardship puttin’ that $15,000,000 check in the bank, huh McGuire? I guess that kinda dough just don’t stretch the way it used to. But it’s not about the money. Nope. Not at all. Nosiree…..Ole Tobey McRetard says he just doesn’t wanna be typecast. Typecast? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME?????? Hey….ummmmm…..Tobey……let me give you a clue. Every single movie you have ever done COMBINED has not made as much as ONE Spiderman. Pleasantville, Cider House Rules, Seabiscuit…..frickin’ Seabiscuit? Yeah, lemme see here…..which do I wanna be…..a half-blind, washed up horse jockey or Spiderman…. Yeah, that’s a hard one. What is it Tobey? Do you need an Oscar on your mantle? Are you bored with the 1.8 billion chicks that wanna get in the web with you? Here’s a little peak at your future Tobey McDumbass…..you’re gonna pass on Spiderman 4 and Jake Gyllenhall, who by comparison makes your acting chops look like those of a bad Mentos commercial, is gonna step in and get the biggest payday of his life. And then a few years from now, after you have vanished into relative box office obscurity as a result of your next 6 movies making somewhere near 8 bucks, we’ll see you hawking platform shoes on QVC.

Number two on my list … the Geico cavemen. You know …the commercials about the cavemen who feel like they are victims of stereotype. Hey, I love those! That’s right…..I actually DO like something once in awhile. But now they want to make it a TV series. Riiiiiigggghhhhhht. So they wanna take a 30 second joke and stretch it for a half an hour ….isn’t that a little like asking Barack Obama to become a black man? What’s next…a serial drama about the loneliness of the Maytag repairman? Or maybe a comedy about the gay relationship between the Sonic dudes and their foot long dogs. Come on…..a comedy about cavemen? How many jokes about the invention of fire can be made?
Trust me when I tell you that this show will be regurgitated faster than Nicole Richie’s lunch. And here’s a quick message to the TV executive who thought this was a great idea: Listen up, clown. I’m already forced to navigate my remote through craptastic shows like the Bachelor, Are You More of a Man than a 5th Grader and Dork Whisperer. I hope that exactly 10 minutes after this festival of terds wraps episode one that you find yourself blowing up your agent’s pager to see if that job at Dairy Queen is still available. You’re an idiot.
All I have left to say is……Are you frickin’ kidding me?