Brad Gets Bitch Slapped - or maybe not

This one has me flappin’ my gums more than grandma that time I sold her false teeth in a yard sale. Angelina Jolie was quoted saying “I’ve never hidden my bisexuality, but since I’ve been with Brad, there’s no longer a place for that or S&M in my life”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? All of the sudden, how much does it suck to be Brad Pitt. Talk about getting duped. What, ya get married and all of the sudden whips, chains and leather thongs are tossed like a prison salad? Come on, Brad that makes about as much sense as a stripper in Pakistan. Are ya down to missionary position only on Wednesday nights after your couple’s bible study? We all know the main reason you hooked up with Angelina wasn’t for love and family. It was for the swingin’ from the ceiling, monkey sound makin’, blood vial wearin’, crazy, kinky sex… and now she pulls the rug out from under you? Admit it, there’s no way in hell you would have ever agreed to adopt 72 frickin’ kids and spend most of your time in countries where the water gives you the Flamin’ Hershey Squirts if you had planned ahead. I would have made damn sure our prenup included A) a clause REQUIRING Angelina to CONTINUE knocking mops with other hot, freaky chicks and B) a subsection mandating, that at least twice a week, Angelina dress up like a hot viking babe so she could rape and plunder my village of one. But instead, Brad, you let her go on the adoptapalooza tour and with all 132 kids at the house, I imagine your sex life now is about as exciting as a Catholic church without an alter boy. I never thought I would say this but, Brad, sucks to be you.

Mattell's New Line Up

At Mattell, we care a great deal about safety and we’ve gone to great lengths to recall every toy imported from China that was colored with lead-based paint. Now comes a new generation of better, safer toys. Leading the way, we are proud to announce Mattell’s brand new, counter-terrorism action figure, AJ Asbestos. We’ve replaced lead paint with top quality asbestos and now AJ will safely usher your kids into the war against terror. AJ features moveable parts and a fully-functional, miniature Glock 9 with tiny hollow point rounds. And what hero would be complete without a villain? Get ready for Akbar Anthrax. Akbar is a terrorist bent on our destruction and comes with realistic briefcase bombs with actual anthrax pellets in grape and cherry flavors. Hours of good, safe fun for everyone! And remember our new slogan: If you’re not a commie, pinko terrorist, you’ll buy Mattell Toys.

Kanye is a Komplete Klown

What the F***????? Is Kanye West for real? These look like those humongous retard sunglasses I won at the cakewalk when I was five and wore everywhere I went until my dad told me that the dog ate them. When I told him we didn’t have a dog, he just looked at me and said, “Who the f*** are you? Sherlock Holmes?”

Seriously though, how the hell can you make millions upon millions and dress like that? I might expect Pee Wee Herman or frickin’ Bozo the Clown to wear that sh** but Kanye West? Dude, P Diddy would whoop your ass. You have frickin’ LOUEVERS on your face. Yeah, those would be cool if they were on a Camaro in 1980. Wait, on second thought, they sucked then, too.

At some point, he looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I look good. I’m a regular ho magnet.” Yeah, I can’t wait until you show up with a hat made from a hubcap or an earring that's actually the metal ball you hook a frickin’ camper up to or an exhaust pipe hanging from your zipper. That always gets 'em, Kanye!

Moron.

Angry, Angry Box Office Weekend

The Angry Viewer knows these things! As I ranted about Friday, both Tranny-lovin’ Brett Ratner’s Rush Hour 3 and career killing, Cuba Gooding Jr’s Daddy Day Camp have bombed. See, RH3 may have made $50 mil but it took $140 mil to make. Can you say “no profit” boys and girls? And Daddy Day Camp? Are you frickin’ kidding me? I could put Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Scarlett Johannsen, Jessica Alba and Brad Pitt in a movie but if one picture of Cuba Gooding Jr flashed in the trailer….bust. Cuba kills movies. Sorry, dude. I like you. And, at least you make a million times more than I do…or will. Now that I think about it like that, you’ll find me at home, in the bottom of my shower curled up in the fetal position screaming, “Cuba, you bastard!!!!!!!!!!!”

Come on out, Brett......it's ok

Today Rush Hour 3 comes out and there is a scene involving a transsexual. Not a big deal. At least until director, Brett Ratner, says something like this: “That scene in Rush Hour 3 came from my personal experience. My first hummer was from a man, but I didn’t know it was a man. You meet a girl in a bar, and it turns out she’s not a girl. That happens to a lot of heterosexuals.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? No, actually that only happens to complete morons who are to drunk to recognize a five o’clock shadow and an adams apple that sticks out like the kickstand on a Harley Davidson. Even drunk off your ass, wasn’t it kind of a tip off that when she sounded like Darth Vader when she said she wanted to “polish the porpoise” ? Then you go on to say, “I’m not homophobic or uptight about it.” That’s pretty obvious by the fact that you are braggin’ about it like you bagged Jessica Alba in the back of the Chevy. But Brett, that wasn’t Jessica Alba that was JEFF Alba. If my choices were A) admitting that I somehow, someway, “accidentally” got worked down by a man or B) covering my manhood in maple syrup and gettin’ it on with an ant hill, then I guess I better get a couple gallons of calamine lotion and some benadryl cause it’s gonna be a long night. So, Brett, you go ahead and tell yourself it happens to a lot of heterosexuals if that’s what helps you sleep better, but really, the only thing I imagine helps you at sleep at night is spooning close to a man in a wig.

Just put it right there.....

I’d like to start with a special message to actor Cuba Gooding Jr. who has me more pissed off than superman wearing a kryptonite condom. Hello Cuba. New movie opens this weekend, huh? I believe it’s called Daddy Day Camp, right? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Daddy Frickin’ Day Camp? First of all, this is a sequel to Daddy Day Care, an Eddie Murphy movie that had a level of enjoyment that fell somewhere between passing a kidney stone the size of J-Lo’s ass and being catheterized by a quarter inch PVC pipe. Number two, Eddie said he wasn’t coming back and if Eddie Murphy says no to a movie, you know you should reject it faster than a liver donated by John Daly. But not you, Cuba. No, my friend. You are to movies what Eddie Murphy is to an unfertilized womb. You are a movie whore. You’ve made it clear that, if a dollar is involved, you’ll show up faster than Kirstie Alley on a Whopper with Extra Cheese. I guess when you said “Show me the Money” in Jerry McGuire, you meant that Shiite. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a director called you tomorrow and said, “Cuba, we’re doing a movie about a giant toilet and we want you to play the role of a freshly-baked batch of turds ahoy. The only question you would ask is “would that be with or without corn?”. Dude, you won a frickin’ Oscar for God’s sake. A FRICKIN’ OSCAR! At this point, that Oscar has about the same value as that disc I keep getting in the mail for a free 30 day trial of AOL. Cuba, If your movie goal is to make a longer string of turds than Yao Ming on an all peanut diet, then you’re a complete success. Otherwise, the next time you think about making a movie like Daddy Day Camp, I would just ask that you take that Oscar Statuette and kindly cram it up your bunghole. Then you might have some notion of how we feel when we have to sit through one of your movies. Thanks for listening.

Get "Em While They Last !

Arkansas football season is here and Hog fans want to show their support but if you’re like me you want something unique. Well, my designers at Angry Industries have created the perfect razorback collectible that will be the talk of the 07 Season. We all love Quarterback Casey Dick and, of course, Coach Houston Nutt so be one of the first to get the Limited-edition Dick-Nutt Sack. This stylish, fuzzy pouch holds a pair of balls that commemorate the 07 Blast Off. Any true Razorback fan will wanna let their Dick-Nutt Sack hang out at every game and show everyone their balls. And it even makes a perfect compliment to last year’s tribute to Robert Johnson. That’s right! Just hang your Dick-Nutt Sack right at the base of your Big Johnson Spirit Stick and you’ll have a symbol of dangling fury any Razorback fan can admire.

Sack picture via Your Nutz

Here comes the Organ Harvester!

This one has me more pissed off than Whoopi Goldberg’s new makeup artist at the View. Talk about drawing the short straw. Damn. But, back to business, it was announced that Paris Hilton has just landed a role in a movie musical about organ harvesting called Repo: The Genetic Opera. The director was quoted in Variety Magazine as saying, “I have auditioned at least 30 actresses for this role and Paris sang it better than all of them. Paris came in and owned it. She is this role." Are you frickin’ kidding me? Oh yeah, I’m sure she did beat out 30 other actresses when it came to “organ harvesting” and I would suspect the organ in question might also be referred to as a pajama python. Yeah, I saw her harvesting that very organ in the online movie she made… so he’s right. She IS that role. But the singing part….you gotta be frickin’ kidding me. If you’ve heard her CD you know that Paris is to singing what Amy Winehouse is to a healthy smile. Damn, girl. Shove a chiclet in that hole or something! But, back to Paris, I’m fairly certain that the other 30 auditions could have been Sanjaya Malakar, a few cats in heat, a frickin’ cockatoo and a recording of the sounds I make when I’m in the can breakin’ off a nappy buttstick and she still would have come in dead last. If my choices were A) watching Paris in a musical or B) spending an evening being tea bagged by Tommy Lee then I'm gonna need some soft candles, a Motley Crue CD and an EMT on standby to reset my broken nose when we're done. The bottom line: This musical is gonna suck harder than, well, Paris Hilton.

Jimmy Dean is Coming To Town

This one has me more amped up than OJ Simpson at a Ginzu Knife convention. Tired of every magazine flaunting virtually nude women, Jessica Alba thinks more magazines should feature penis. She tells Britain's GQ: Men's magazines have nipples so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? There's Playgirl but not a fashion magazine like Elle. "If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me...I've said I won't go naked in any of my movies, because I don't want to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see other people strip off!" Are you frickin’ kidding me? First of all, as hot as you are, why the hell do you need magazines to see naked dudes? That one stupid comment has probably unleashed the cracken. Now every single time you go outside, every single heterosexual guy within eyeshot of you will be bearing his rumpleforeskin for your viewing pleasure. Every time you open the door will look like the Jimmy Dean Sausage Convention has rolled up on your front lawn. Hell, I know you can’t even see people on the radio but I’m still bearing mine right now just in case. And second Jessica, oh queen of hypocrisy, the only reason you haven’t been completely naked in a movie yet has nothing to do with integrity or whether you “want to” or not. You are constantly going braless in public so everyone can witness you activating the wonder twins and after seeing you in Sin City working the stripper pole like a squirrel on a crack-filled acorn and then watching the Fantastic Four movies where you style a spandex suit so tight that even the outline of your suppository made an appearance, I am fully convinced that, as soon as enough zeros are on the end of the check, you’ll flash that chia pet like a billboard on the Vegas strip. I hope after you spend the next week or two getting up close and personal with some dude’s bagpipe on every corner that’ll you learn a lesson about dumbass comments like that.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

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