Lindsay's Broke

This one has me more rattled than Rudy Giuliani at a Promise Keeper’s Rally. According to News of the World, In the past year, Lindsay Lohan has reportedly blown $7 million and is now completely broke.

Lindsay wasted $1 million on a year's stay at the Chateau Marmont hotel, $70,000 on tanning, $1 million on clothes, $500,000 on partying, $350,000 on cars, and $137,000 on her three trips to rehab.

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

How the hell can you could spend $70,000 on tanning? The only way you should be able to get close to that is if you were hitching a ride with NASA and laying out on the wing of the frickin’ space shuttle. And a million dollars on clothes? Have you seen the way she dresses? She must be getting ripped off because wherever she’s shopping doesn’t even supply enough fabric to cover her oval office. And you might think the least they could do is throw in a frickin’ bra every once in a while. Then again, maybe she’s buying her clothes from a Columbian cartel that weaves them out of 100% pure coca leaves. That way after she takes her shirt off, she can just chop it up and snort it. As a matter of fact, as much blow as she’s done she’s probably number one on the Drug Lord Christmas Card list.

Which brings me to her bill for rehab. Hell, that thing’s bigger than the entire gross national product of Zimbabwe and I still don’t think she’s really sober. But I have an idea about how to find out! I bet if you went out to Hollywood at about midnight and set up a giant mousetrap but instead of cheese you put a pile of uncut cocaine on it… when the sun came up you’d find ole Lindsay snapped in half with her nose about a half inch from the pile with a giant smile on her face. At least she would have died doing what she loved.

But, the good news for Lindsay is that a paycheck is probably in her near future since she just started filming her new movie Dare to Love Me about a legendary tango dancer from Buenos Aires. Dare to Love Me is the name of the movie? Do I really even need a punchline there? Dare is right. Because on your way to love her you better dare to hold up the convenience store for every condom they have or you’ll end up with something Terminix can’t get rid of. And whoever you are, stay away from the giant mouse trap.

That's wierd...

What in the heck is Lindsay Lohan doing with that guy from Criminal Minds. You know, the one with a chick's name....Mandy, or Mangie or whatever. I bet she thinks he really is a criminal profiler and she just asked him to find the person who stole her blow while she was in rehab. Here's how I think the conversation went:

Lindsay: Dude, like I know you are a supergenius and can track down any criminal. I need your help cuz somebody stole my effing blow and I effing need that effing stuff and I need it fast.

Criminal Minds dude: Yeah, Lindsay, see (exhasperated sigh)...I just play that role on TV. I also was in Elmo in Grouchland but I'm not really a bad guy.

Lindsay: Ooooooh. I loved that movie. I bet Mr. Snuffalufagus is seriously packing some man meat. But...really, come on, I need your help. Who do you think took my blow?

Criminal Minds dude: Ummmmm, Lindsay, (uncontrollable snicker), Mr. Snuffalufagus is a puppet.

Lindsay: Oh shit. For real? Wow. Wait, are you gonna try and tell me Big Bird is not real either because I'm not buying that bullshit. Quit effing with me, dude, and use your profiler skills to help. Now, who do you think took my blow.

Criminal Minds dude: If I tell you my hunch will you promise to never, ever, ever call me again?

Lindsay: (scratches own cooter, looks thoughtful) Sure.

Criminal Minds dude: I think it was your mom.

Lindsay: I knew it! That whore! She takes everything! She stole my last two boyfriends and my best lip gloss, too. I will kill that bitch!

CORRECTION: The man in the picture is ACTUALLY her dad. My mistake, yet, I still think the conversation went almost exactly the same.

Ja Rule is a Ja Idiot

This one has me more fired up than that bag of poop I keep putting on my neighbor’s front porch. Just to be able tell you about this one I have to do a little creative editing. So, everytime Ja Rule says the “F-word” I’m gonna replace it with some version of Michael Vick’s name.

At a congressional hearing about how African American women are portrayed in rap music, hip hop star, Ja Rule had this to say, “. Let’s talk about all these Vicking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this shit," he went on to say. "Dating shows that's showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about shit like that! If that's not Vicking up America, I don't know what is."

Are you Vickin’ kidding me? I’ll tell you one thing that’s Vicking up America. Your grammar skills. If you’re subject and verb agreements were any farther apart they’d be Paris Hilton’s legs. With grammar that bad you just might have what it takes to be the next president. And, while I’m on the subject, I hope I’m not goin’ too far out on a limb here but you talkin’ like Vicking Scarface might be something that affects your kids a little more than the gay MTV.

Here’s what I imagine a Ja Rule father-son evening sounds like. Hey son, nice job on that MichaelVicking math test. By the way, what you watchin’? Oh Vick. Wait a Vicking minute. Is that that Vicking MTV show with all those Vicking gay people? We got to Vicking get rid of those MichaleVicking Vickwads. Now, turn that Vicking TV off, Vickhead and go get daddy his Vicking weed so he can calm the Vick down. How the Vick am I supposed to Vicking raise some good MichaleVicking kids? “

Yeah, Ja Rule. I couldn’t agree more. It’s those homosexuals messing everything up. By the way, Britney Spears just called and she thinks you might be setting a bad example for your kids. Assclown.

Bring on the Predator, baby!

Former Playboy pin up Denise Richards has accused her ex, actor Charlie Sheen, of being addicted to porn and exposing his private parts on sleazy internet sex sites. Denise says that ole Charlie sent a picture of his “penis” to at least 30 women on "hook-up" sites and this is one of her main arguments for custody. Are you frickin’ kidding me? 30 women, huh? So lemme get this straight, Charlie sent pictures of his Ivory Billed Woodpecker to 30 chics online while Denise posed for Playboy, which basically was like sending pictures of her Bermuda Triangle to 30 million horny dudes. She also had a lesbian sex scene in the movie Wild Things that was seen by 5 million people in the theater and was rented another 10 million times on DVD in the US. So, if my count is correct….Charlie sent out the Glamour Shots version of Captain Kilbasa to 30 women on the internet and Denise showed off Mrs. Sphincter's next door neighbor to 45 million people in the US alone. And you know what? Charlie has hooked up with some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Hell yeah he’s proud of that thing! He should bronze it. I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he used those pictures for this year’s family Christmas cards. Merry Christmas from Charlie and his holiday bagpipe. You know, Denise, few things in the world are more annoying than a hypocrite. I know you're ridiculously hot but I’d rather be trapped in a cell with the freaking Predator than spend 10 minutes with your wacky ass. And even after he severed me in half and I saw my own twitching lower torso, I’d still be saying “Thank God I got away from Denise. That bitch is crazy”. I’m with Team Charlie.

I'll just catch the Waffle House version, Hef...

First up, this one has me crabbier than a cannibal on an all Nicole Richie diet. Hollywood socialite, daughter of OJ attorney Robert Kardashian and the star of her own sex tape, Kim Kardashian, has decided to pose for Playboy. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian’s 12 page spread "will show one boob, and her bare butt." Are you frickin’ kidding me? One boob and a bare butt? Hell, she’s already done a sex tape so what’s the point of looking at a single boob in Playboy when I can just log onto the internet and watch some dude give her the Waffle House treatment for an hour… and by Waffle House treatment I mean scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, flipped, flopped and whatever other adjective fits. I mean, Jesus H. Jahosephat Jones, she’s already shown us what a full grown woman looks like in the spin cycle and now she wants to be modest in Playboy? And to top that off, now she’s gonna have her own reality show? Well, damn, I guess the name of the show will be Kim’s Kidneys because that’s about the only part of her we haven’t already gotten to know. And what the hell is wrong with Hugh Hefner? Playboy’s doing a 12 page spread and she’s not even gonna give a peek at the easy bake oven? The only explanation is that it will take the entire centerfold just to capture a single shot of her giant ass. And, don’t get me wrong because I love a girl with junk in the trunk but her ass is so big that David Blaine couldn’t make that thing disappear. Hell, her badonkadonk is so intimidating that J-Lo’s ass just got a restraining order against it. Come on, Hef.. She’s better suited for magazines with names like Plump Rumps or Butt Cake or Damn, That’s Where My Remote Went. Playboy’s for the best of the best

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Right in the Juice Box...that's gotta hurt!

This one has me more pissed off than a quadriplegic with an itchy ass. This past weekend OJ Simpson was arrested for busting into a casino hotel room to retrieve some memorabilia he said belonged to him. Not only did he demand his stuff but he did it with a four man posse of 50 some year old dudes waving guns all over the place. OJ called it a “sting operation”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Who’s kidding who here? The last time he pulled a “sting operation” it involved practically turning his ex-wife into a frickin’ pez dispenser and he didn’t even go to prison and now you think a little armed robbery is gonna slow him down? Hell, at this point he feels so invincible I’m surprised he didn’t show up with a frickin’ bazooka and then pull his wang out and wiggle it at the cops when they showed up. And come to find out, OJ was in Vegas to be the best man in a wedding. Who the hell would ask OJ to be his best man? Michael Myers from Halloween? The founder of the Ginzu? WHO? Well guess what, OJ? Chances are, that you’ll actually be going to prison this time and now there will be a whole new reason the inmates will use the word ”Juice”. So, to help you get prepared for prison life I have the TOP 5 things you are most likely to hear from your special new friends:

#5) “Don’t think of me as a cellmate. Think of me as your offensive coordinator and the first play I’m calling is a naked bootleg.”

#4) “I love OJ in the morning so why don’t you be my minute maid?”

#3) “Juice, you’ve always had great hands so don’t fumble my balls.

#2) “Hey OJ…come over here and show Daddy your juice box”.

And the #1) phrase you will now be hearing, “Why do you keep sayin’ if it doesn’t fit you must aquit?”

Well, damn....Grandma I hate that for you.

According to sources, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies” and she plans on having or adopting four kids by 2008. Are you frickin’ kidding me? You’re damn right you don’t need a husband to have a baby. With all the stuff swirling around in your uterus you might just spontaneously reproduce at any minute. Kind of like the big bang theory. Well, I guess, with you, Big Bang ain’t just a theory. And apparently you’ve been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world". Right, if by famous you mean the first kids in the world to actually get a DUI on a tricycle then I’m sure they will be. The idea of you as a parent scares me more than being partnered with George W Bush on Celebrity Jeopardy. You see, Paris, kids aren’t like sea monkeys. If you kill ‘em, you can’t just order another package from the back of a Mad Magazine. They’re also not Chihuahuas so you can’t just throw a few kibbles on the floor to shut ‘em up when they start yappin’ or blow your weed smoke in their noses just to see ‘em run circles around the rug. Well, unless you’re Britney Spears, that is. And to top it off, now I hear you want to design baby clothes. What would the name of that clothing line be? The Skanky Toddler? Babies Without Bottoms? Speaking of bottoms...let’s get to the bottom line: If my choices were A) thinking about you as a parent or B) watching a porno that starred my grandma and a donkey then I guess I’ll never look at Eeyore the same way again.

Better ease up on the twinkies, Kiera.

This one has me more bent out of shape than Britney Spears’ bellybutton ring. Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Caribbean said, “Weight is a big issue in Hollywood because I’m twice the size, height and everything else, of most of the girls who are going in to see the director for a part. I am, at my size, one of the largest actresses there.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? I’d like to give you a break because you’re cute but that statement is more lopsided than Forest Whitaker’s eye. I mean, one of the largest actresses compared to who? The only way you could be twice the size of other actresses is if they were cardboard cutouts. Damn, you’re the kind of girl that counts the calories of a communion wafer. When you’re not looking, other actors on the set hang their car keys on your hip bones. What part could you possibly try out for and be too big? The role of an ironing board.. And when you say you’re twice the size, height and “everything else”…well you know that the “everything else” part is a damned lie because when they coined the phrase, “making mountains out of molehills” they were talking about your push up bra. For God’s sake, Matthew McConaughey could get more cleavage out of that thing. Rumor has it that mosquitoes bite your chest out of sympathy. Let me tell you what is the twice the size…that piehole. Instead of saying something dumb every time you open that thing up why don’t ya try putting some food in it and that way when you tell people you have a bunch of junk in the trunk it’ll be more like a Chevy Corvette instead of a Barbie Corvette.

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