NEW LOCATION!

GO TO THE NEW SITE!

http://www.angrypatrick.com

Trust me you, it is much more fun than loping the mule on your lunch break. Besides, your coworkers are sick of the noise.

I WANT YOUR VOTE!

Hello, maybe you know me. I'm Patrick the Angry, Angry Viewer and I need your vote.

As none of the candidates so far have shown any creativity, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States.

What will I do that no one else will?

I will fix healthcare, social security and terrorism with one move.

Quite simply: I will eliminate Paris Hilton.

Killing Paris will improve healthcare by saving billions of dollars in insurance claims for antibiotics.

After we whack Paris Hilton, I expect her assets can fund Social Security until 2099.

And, we will finally beat al Quaeda because I am fully convinced Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Paris Hilton’s vagina.

If you believe I am a candidate you can believe in, please support the campaign by purchasing official Patrick for President Campaign Gear @ www.cafepress.com/angrypatrick or by donation @ http://www.coreyandjayshow.com/Angry11-02-07.html

Stalking Pays Off

Damn that Burger King guy!

You've seen the commercials where he just shows up at someone's window with some kind of breakfast sandwich that actually causes your arteries to harden AS you eat it. Nonetheless, as I have preached and preached and preached....you can even be a creepy, no talking freak but if you show up at enough windows with food, some girl is gonna go for it.

But how did he get to Jessica frickin' Alba's window? I tried and I got hit 8 times with a taser before I could get across her fence. I bet he gave the guards a bunch of Whoppers with cheese. Bastard. I would have brought over a grill and slaughtered cattle in her yard all day long if she would have just asked. I bet that pansy ass Burger King stalker never even took on a long horned steer. Phony ass, son of a .....

Oh wait....that's not the BK guy. That's Shrek.... errr, Austin Powers....errrr....some damn Mike Myers character. I still stand by everything I said. He probably brought her fat ass some food. Gobble it down Jessica McFatty. I bet if I cut you that gravy would come out. You disgust me. But, if you call me, I might take all that back and say you are really pretty.

Who Wants to be Abused?

I want you listeners to get behind a wonderful charity that’s near and dear to my heart. I’m talking about the Patrick the Needy, Needy Viewer fund. The fact is, this station is too damned cheap to pay me so I’m Broker than a boatload of Cuban refugees. !00% of every donation you make goes to support my pathetic lifestyle. Your donation helps with things like a new set of hubcaps for my Sunfire, a computer with something more current than Windows 98, underwear without holes in the ass or maybe just a pack of ramen noodles so I don’t become the Hungry, Hungry Viewer. And it’s so easy to help! When you log on to Corey and Jay’s website to listen to my rants you’ll see the donation button right there. As an added bonus, for every donation made I will send you personalized verbal abuse via email. Donations over $20 will be assaulted via telephone. Imagine telling your friends that The Angry Viewer abused you. What a proud moment. Don’t be a cheap bastard. Help me today. Paypal is standing by. http://www.coreyandjayshow.com/ANGRYINDEX.html

The Kid is Doomed

This one has my temper shorter than Dennis Kusinich in a booster seat at Shoneys. Let’s all congratulate Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and his girlfriend who just had a baby boy. His name? Everly Bear.

The Pepper singer said, “It came to me by way of the Everly Brothers, which is one of my favorite bands,” His girlfriend, Heather Christie “came up with Bear. And Kiedis said, “That made sense to me because he’s from me and I feel like I’m part of the bear clan.”

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

Bear Clan? I hate to break it to you, Anthony, but you’re not even hairy. I wish to God I didn’t know that but during your 20 year career the only person with more naked appearances than you is Jenna Jameson. Speaking of Jenna, saying your part of the Bear Clan makes about as much sense as me saying I’m part of the Porn Star Clan. I mean, other than the fact that I’m hung like a tic tac and my endurance is just a little shorter than the time it takes to make toast I fit right in.

And is that really the best name you could come up with? Why didn’t you and Heather just name the kid Bong Hit or Acid Trip because apparently that’s what you were doing when you named him Everly Bear. Come on, you’re a frickin’ rocker, dude. That name’s gayer than Richard Simmons gym shorts. Damn, what were the runner ups? Toodles McRopesmoker? Clay Aiken Jr? Well get ready for a lot of trips to the ER because Everly Bear is destined to spend his playground life getting hit more times than Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I’m setting my DVR to record COPS 18 years from now just so I can watch a grown up Everly Bear whip your ass.

Well, congratulations on the new baby anyway, dumbass

Kirsten Shreds For YOU!

Kirsten Dunst said, “Action movies entail sitting in a trailer all day and not doing anything. You get there at six in the morning, you get all dressed up, put your make-up on and it seeps into your pores all day long and it's really boring. I always have a lot of action in these films, and I don't like it.”

Boy I understand that. It must really suck to spend three months not doing very much and getting paid about SIX MILLION DOLLARS!

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

You’re complaining about getting paid to sit in an air conditioned trailer and do nothing all day. Hell, Corey and Jay have been doing that for years and you don’t here them complaining. Lemme tell you something, for six million dollars I’d be willing to spend the entire three months with my lips superglued to the director’s ass. I’d just ask to be released an hour each week so I could work over a pack or two of Dentyne Ice before I puckered up again.

And how the hell could you say you have nothing to do. Here’s an idea: Maybe everyone on the set could swing by when they have some downtime and you could use that isosceles triangle factory in the middle of your face to shred all of their old documents. Or maybe you could get in about 8 hours a day gnawing lumber for the set builders. Or how about this: Why don’t you shut that flappin’ cakehole before you say something else that's basically the equivalent of squattin down and unloading the Lincoln logs all over your audience.

Lindsay's Broke

This one has me more rattled than Rudy Giuliani at a Promise Keeper’s Rally. According to News of the World, In the past year, Lindsay Lohan has reportedly blown $7 million and is now completely broke.

Lindsay wasted $1 million on a year's stay at the Chateau Marmont hotel, $70,000 on tanning, $1 million on clothes, $500,000 on partying, $350,000 on cars, and $137,000 on her three trips to rehab.

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

How the hell can you could spend $70,000 on tanning? The only way you should be able to get close to that is if you were hitching a ride with NASA and laying out on the wing of the frickin’ space shuttle. And a million dollars on clothes? Have you seen the way she dresses? She must be getting ripped off because wherever she’s shopping doesn’t even supply enough fabric to cover her oval office. And you might think the least they could do is throw in a frickin’ bra every once in a while. Then again, maybe she’s buying her clothes from a Columbian cartel that weaves them out of 100% pure coca leaves. That way after she takes her shirt off, she can just chop it up and snort it. As a matter of fact, as much blow as she’s done she’s probably number one on the Drug Lord Christmas Card list.

Which brings me to her bill for rehab. Hell, that thing’s bigger than the entire gross national product of Zimbabwe and I still don’t think she’s really sober. But I have an idea about how to find out! I bet if you went out to Hollywood at about midnight and set up a giant mousetrap but instead of cheese you put a pile of uncut cocaine on it… when the sun came up you’d find ole Lindsay snapped in half with her nose about a half inch from the pile with a giant smile on her face. At least she would have died doing what she loved.

But, the good news for Lindsay is that a paycheck is probably in her near future since she just started filming her new movie Dare to Love Me about a legendary tango dancer from Buenos Aires. Dare to Love Me is the name of the movie? Do I really even need a punchline there? Dare is right. Because on your way to love her you better dare to hold up the convenience store for every condom they have or you’ll end up with something Terminix can’t get rid of. And whoever you are, stay away from the giant mouse trap.

That's wierd...

What in the heck is Lindsay Lohan doing with that guy from Criminal Minds. You know, the one with a chick's name....Mandy, or Mangie or whatever. I bet she thinks he really is a criminal profiler and she just asked him to find the person who stole her blow while she was in rehab. Here's how I think the conversation went:

Lindsay: Dude, like I know you are a supergenius and can track down any criminal. I need your help cuz somebody stole my effing blow and I effing need that effing stuff and I need it fast.

Criminal Minds dude: Yeah, Lindsay, see (exhasperated sigh)...I just play that role on TV. I also was in Elmo in Grouchland but I'm not really a bad guy.

Lindsay: Ooooooh. I loved that movie. I bet Mr. Snuffalufagus is seriously packing some man meat. But...really, come on, I need your help. Who do you think took my blow?

Criminal Minds dude: Ummmmm, Lindsay, (uncontrollable snicker), Mr. Snuffalufagus is a puppet.

Lindsay: Oh shit. For real? Wow. Wait, are you gonna try and tell me Big Bird is not real either because I'm not buying that bullshit. Quit effing with me, dude, and use your profiler skills to help. Now, who do you think took my blow.

Criminal Minds dude: If I tell you my hunch will you promise to never, ever, ever call me again?

Lindsay: (scratches own cooter, looks thoughtful) Sure.

Criminal Minds dude: I think it was your mom.

Lindsay: I knew it! That whore! She takes everything! She stole my last two boyfriends and my best lip gloss, too. I will kill that bitch!

CORRECTION: The man in the picture is ACTUALLY her dad. My mistake, yet, I still think the conversation went almost exactly the same.

Ja Rule is a Ja Idiot

This one has me more fired up than that bag of poop I keep putting on my neighbor’s front porch. Just to be able tell you about this one I have to do a little creative editing. So, everytime Ja Rule says the “F-word” I’m gonna replace it with some version of Michael Vick’s name.

At a congressional hearing about how African American women are portrayed in rap music, hip hop star, Ja Rule had this to say, “. Let’s talk about all these Vicking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this shit," he went on to say. "Dating shows that's showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about shit like that! If that's not Vicking up America, I don't know what is."

Are you Vickin’ kidding me? I’ll tell you one thing that’s Vicking up America. Your grammar skills. If you’re subject and verb agreements were any farther apart they’d be Paris Hilton’s legs. With grammar that bad you just might have what it takes to be the next president. And, while I’m on the subject, I hope I’m not goin’ too far out on a limb here but you talkin’ like Vicking Scarface might be something that affects your kids a little more than the gay MTV.

Here’s what I imagine a Ja Rule father-son evening sounds like. Hey son, nice job on that MichaelVicking math test. By the way, what you watchin’? Oh Vick. Wait a Vicking minute. Is that that Vicking MTV show with all those Vicking gay people? We got to Vicking get rid of those MichaleVicking Vickwads. Now, turn that Vicking TV off, Vickhead and go get daddy his Vicking weed so he can calm the Vick down. How the Vick am I supposed to Vicking raise some good MichaleVicking kids? “

Yeah, Ja Rule. I couldn’t agree more. It’s those homosexuals messing everything up. By the way, Britney Spears just called and she thinks you might be setting a bad example for your kids. Assclown.

Bring on the Predator, baby!

Former Playboy pin up Denise Richards has accused her ex, actor Charlie Sheen, of being addicted to porn and exposing his private parts on sleazy internet sex sites. Denise says that ole Charlie sent a picture of his “penis” to at least 30 women on "hook-up" sites and this is one of her main arguments for custody. Are you frickin’ kidding me? 30 women, huh? So lemme get this straight, Charlie sent pictures of his Ivory Billed Woodpecker to 30 chics online while Denise posed for Playboy, which basically was like sending pictures of her Bermuda Triangle to 30 million horny dudes. She also had a lesbian sex scene in the movie Wild Things that was seen by 5 million people in the theater and was rented another 10 million times on DVD in the US. So, if my count is correct….Charlie sent out the Glamour Shots version of Captain Kilbasa to 30 women on the internet and Denise showed off Mrs. Sphincter's next door neighbor to 45 million people in the US alone. And you know what? Charlie has hooked up with some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Hell yeah he’s proud of that thing! He should bronze it. I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he used those pictures for this year’s family Christmas cards. Merry Christmas from Charlie and his holiday bagpipe. You know, Denise, few things in the world are more annoying than a hypocrite. I know you're ridiculously hot but I’d rather be trapped in a cell with the freaking Predator than spend 10 minutes with your wacky ass. And even after he severed me in half and I saw my own twitching lower torso, I’d still be saying “Thank God I got away from Denise. That bitch is crazy”. I’m with Team Charlie.

I'll just catch the Waffle House version, Hef...

First up, this one has me crabbier than a cannibal on an all Nicole Richie diet. Hollywood socialite, daughter of OJ attorney Robert Kardashian and the star of her own sex tape, Kim Kardashian, has decided to pose for Playboy. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian’s 12 page spread "will show one boob, and her bare butt." Are you frickin’ kidding me? One boob and a bare butt? Hell, she’s already done a sex tape so what’s the point of looking at a single boob in Playboy when I can just log onto the internet and watch some dude give her the Waffle House treatment for an hour… and by Waffle House treatment I mean scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, flipped, flopped and whatever other adjective fits. I mean, Jesus H. Jahosephat Jones, she’s already shown us what a full grown woman looks like in the spin cycle and now she wants to be modest in Playboy? And to top that off, now she’s gonna have her own reality show? Well, damn, I guess the name of the show will be Kim’s Kidneys because that’s about the only part of her we haven’t already gotten to know. And what the hell is wrong with Hugh Hefner? Playboy’s doing a 12 page spread and she’s not even gonna give a peek at the easy bake oven? The only explanation is that it will take the entire centerfold just to capture a single shot of her giant ass. And, don’t get me wrong because I love a girl with junk in the trunk but her ass is so big that David Blaine couldn’t make that thing disappear. Hell, her badonkadonk is so intimidating that J-Lo’s ass just got a restraining order against it. Come on, Hef.. She’s better suited for magazines with names like Plump Rumps or Butt Cake or Damn, That’s Where My Remote Went. Playboy’s for the best of the best

And now a word from our sponsor

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Right in the Juice Box...that's gotta hurt!

This one has me more pissed off than a quadriplegic with an itchy ass. This past weekend OJ Simpson was arrested for busting into a casino hotel room to retrieve some memorabilia he said belonged to him. Not only did he demand his stuff but he did it with a four man posse of 50 some year old dudes waving guns all over the place. OJ called it a “sting operation”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Who’s kidding who here? The last time he pulled a “sting operation” it involved practically turning his ex-wife into a frickin’ pez dispenser and he didn’t even go to prison and now you think a little armed robbery is gonna slow him down? Hell, at this point he feels so invincible I’m surprised he didn’t show up with a frickin’ bazooka and then pull his wang out and wiggle it at the cops when they showed up. And come to find out, OJ was in Vegas to be the best man in a wedding. Who the hell would ask OJ to be his best man? Michael Myers from Halloween? The founder of the Ginzu? WHO? Well guess what, OJ? Chances are, that you’ll actually be going to prison this time and now there will be a whole new reason the inmates will use the word ”Juice”. So, to help you get prepared for prison life I have the TOP 5 things you are most likely to hear from your special new friends:

#5) “Don’t think of me as a cellmate. Think of me as your offensive coordinator and the first play I’m calling is a naked bootleg.”

#4) “I love OJ in the morning so why don’t you be my minute maid?”

#3) “Juice, you’ve always had great hands so don’t fumble my balls.

#2) “Hey OJ…come over here and show Daddy your juice box”.

And the #1) phrase you will now be hearing, “Why do you keep sayin’ if it doesn’t fit you must aquit?”

Well, damn....Grandma I hate that for you.

According to sources, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies” and she plans on having or adopting four kids by 2008. Are you frickin’ kidding me? You’re damn right you don’t need a husband to have a baby. With all the stuff swirling around in your uterus you might just spontaneously reproduce at any minute. Kind of like the big bang theory. Well, I guess, with you, Big Bang ain’t just a theory. And apparently you’ve been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world". Right, if by famous you mean the first kids in the world to actually get a DUI on a tricycle then I’m sure they will be. The idea of you as a parent scares me more than being partnered with George W Bush on Celebrity Jeopardy. You see, Paris, kids aren’t like sea monkeys. If you kill ‘em, you can’t just order another package from the back of a Mad Magazine. They’re also not Chihuahuas so you can’t just throw a few kibbles on the floor to shut ‘em up when they start yappin’ or blow your weed smoke in their noses just to see ‘em run circles around the rug. Well, unless you’re Britney Spears, that is. And to top it off, now I hear you want to design baby clothes. What would the name of that clothing line be? The Skanky Toddler? Babies Without Bottoms? Speaking of bottoms...let’s get to the bottom line: If my choices were A) thinking about you as a parent or B) watching a porno that starred my grandma and a donkey then I guess I’ll never look at Eeyore the same way again.

Better ease up on the twinkies, Kiera.

This one has me more bent out of shape than Britney Spears’ bellybutton ring. Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Caribbean said, “Weight is a big issue in Hollywood because I’m twice the size, height and everything else, of most of the girls who are going in to see the director for a part. I am, at my size, one of the largest actresses there.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? I’d like to give you a break because you’re cute but that statement is more lopsided than Forest Whitaker’s eye. I mean, one of the largest actresses compared to who? The only way you could be twice the size of other actresses is if they were cardboard cutouts. Damn, you’re the kind of girl that counts the calories of a communion wafer. When you’re not looking, other actors on the set hang their car keys on your hip bones. What part could you possibly try out for and be too big? The role of an ironing board.. And when you say you’re twice the size, height and “everything else”…well you know that the “everything else” part is a damned lie because when they coined the phrase, “making mountains out of molehills” they were talking about your push up bra. For God’s sake, Matthew McConaughey could get more cleavage out of that thing. Rumor has it that mosquitoes bite your chest out of sympathy. Let me tell you what is the twice the size…that piehole. Instead of saying something dumb every time you open that thing up why don’t ya try putting some food in it and that way when you tell people you have a bunch of junk in the trunk it’ll be more like a Chevy Corvette instead of a Barbie Corvette.

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Jesus wears stilletos?

Here’s another magazine interview that has me more chafed than Hillary Clinton ridin’ a 10 speed bike in polyester shorts. This past week, Britain’s Q Magazine published pop singer Avril Lavigne’s Ten Commandments and after reading them I realized that Avril Lavigne would be the perfect spokesperson for Summer’s Eve because she is a complete douche bag! I can’t cover them all so I just picked my favorite one. Avril likes to Practice Good Karma and says, “I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, "take it to Katrina!" I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers", especially if they don't make much money." Are you frickin’ kidding me? I can’t believe the goodness coming out of you, Avril. Sometimes, when I’m praying I get you confused with Jesus. So, let me get this straight. After Katrina, thousands of volunteers walked across the dookie-filled pond that New Orleans became to save lives and you’re gonna brag that you walked across your apartment to get six boxes worth of crap out of your damn closet? Yeah, I’m sure if New Orleans rescuer workers could have asked for anything it would have been spiked belts, stiletto boots and an assload of jeans full of holes. I’m sure that made identifying hurricane survivors much easier. Just look for the ones dressed like a frickin’ skankbucket. And to top it off, you couldn’t even drop your donation off at the damn post office yourself. You told your assistant to mail it for you. I bet that was just moments after you took the mud off her eyes and healed her of blindness, right? As far as giving stuff to people who are your “workers” that don’t make much money. How about just giving them a raise, assclown? If there is a God, and I believe there is…and that God believes in Karma and I believe he does, then I prophesy that in the not too distant future that a freak hurricane will spring from your toilet bowl and you’ll get sucked down where you belong with all the other turds.

We hear ya Brad......

In his interview with V Magazine - Brad Pitt discussed his break up with Jennifer Anniston and had this to say: “Jen and I still maintain a deep friendship and have a lot of life together that isn't erased in any way.” When pressed about the way it ended, Brad whined, “I don't know how better to have handled it.”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Yeah, I know the way I like to cultivate a deep friendship is to not only humiliate the person in the worldwide media but also to rub their nose it in it like a newspaper covered in hot, steamin’ labrador logs. The only thing “deep” about that situation, Brad, is how far you got the frickin’ shank into Jen’s back. As far as how you could have better handled it….ohhhh….I dunno….maybe you could have waited until you actually broke up with Jen before you started working Angelina over like the frickin’ KFC buffet. That might have been a good place to start. Or, maybe when you left Jen on Monday you could have waited until at least Thursday or Friday before you and Angie adopted enough kids to start a Nike factory. I think if you would just be honest, you know, come clean, then people would have a lot more respect for you. So the next time you are asked about Jennifer please use this answer I personally crafted for you: “You know, I am really sorry about all that and Jen is really nice but I got to see Angelina’s boobies! Don’t you frickin’ get it, man? And I got to put my face on ‘em and everything. Angelina’s rack is like a big pipe full of man crack and I ain’t ever goin’ to rehab.” Well, something like that oughtta get it.

Survivor: Petri Dish

This one has me more fired up than Ellen Degeneres’ vibrator. At the MTV music video awards, Kid Rock walked up and sucker punched Tommy Lee. Why? Allegedly because Rock was angered by the fact that Pamela Anderson sat in Tommy’s lap. Are you frickin’ kidding me? The only way this could have been better is if Jerry Springer had jumped out from behind a ficus tree. Both of them are Pam’s ex husbands so the fact that they’re fighting each other makes about as much sense as the time I got hammered and woke up naked in between a goat and a tub of country crock margarine. What could they possibly be fighting over? Who got gonorrhea first? Or maybe they both looked down at the same time and saw a Valtrex on the floor and started scrapping over that. If you see the three of them together you don’t need to call security, you need to call The Center for Disease Control. At this very moment, every one of their genitals is hosting its own episode of Survivor: Petri Dish and let me assure you that there are lots of contestants. My bets on Chlamydia to win but don’t count out the crabs. They are a crafty bunch. Seriously, the only way you could make this equation any more disgusting is if you added a bathroom stall and an Idaho Senator.

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