Stinky Depp

Damn…..You know, just because Chicago and Dreamgirls are decent musicals does it mean that every Tom, Dick and Depp have to make one? Isn’t it bad enough that from the success of the Saw horror movies that I have to suffer through 12 new dumbass, slasher previews for every movie I see? How many frickin’ ways are there left to dismember someone? Apparently there are more and they somehow involve Broadway style singing. Yeah, that’s what I want my last moments to be like…..hacked up by a nutbag who has a fetish for West Side Story. Welcome to the world of Sweeney Todd, a musical about a serial killing barber. Yeah, I said it….a serial killing BARBER. A serial killing barber played by Johnny Depp. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

First of all, one look at Johnny Depp’s hair and you could tell he wasn’t a barber. Every barber I ever met had a name like Joe or Mert , was at least 50 years old, had a buzz cut like a former marine and only knew two subjects to talk about; the weather and baseball. From appearance alone, guys would immediately know that Johnny Depp was a “stylist” and didn’t know a damn thing about baseball. On that basis, a man would never let him near his hair but…..just for shits and giggles….let’s say a guy was having an off day and didn’t pick up the fact that ole Johnny looked like a transvestite with scissors. The second he started singing to that dude, Depp would catch a ridge hand to the throat and then be kicked while he was on the floor for about 7 or 8 straight minutes thus ending any chance of serial killing. Unless he was singing the theme song to The Dukes of Hazzard or The Rockford Files….in that case he might make it a few bars before we took him out but then we would have to run home and cry in the shower as we washed out the pain of inadvertently letting a man serenade us.

So, how is that we need a musical serial killer? Whatever happened to the good ole days when killers wore masks and didn’t say anything? Would Friday the 13th been nearly as popular if from behind the hockey mask Jason began to musically lament his upbringing? Could Michael Myers really have been menacing if his element of surprise was ruined by his toe-tapping rendition of Oklahoma? I mean what the hell?

I think what makes me angrier than anything is that somehow, someway my wife will drag me to the theater and I will have to endure this two hour musical terdfest which will somehow make a gazillion dollars. All because of Johnny frickin’ Depp. What is it about this guy? He should start a damn cult. In Pirates of the Caribbean he looked like he hadn’t bathed in a year and women still wanted to sleep with him. How can that be? If I float an air biscuit in bed I have to listen to 30 minutes worth of bitching…Johnny could take a dump on the bedroom floor and my wife would just giggle and take off her negligee. Yep, it’s official….I now hate Johnny Depp. I hate Sweeney Todd. I hate singing serial killers. Damn you, Johnny Depp.

Can't take anymore....MUST....RIG ....VOTES

OK….let me just put it out there….I like American Idol. I watch American Idol. Now, get past the shock of that and I wish someone would email me with a “gay” comment because I like the Idol….you have been warned!

But to my point, Idol fans….what the hell has our show come to? How is it that Sanjaya Malakar and his group of idiot minions have managed to make complete mockery of my two hour life-sucking series?

First off, Sanjackass can’t sing. I would rather run my hand through a full cycle in the toaster than listen to this sack of talentless dung mumble unintelligibly through one more song.

Second, Mangina showed up on stage last night with all the style of a My Little Pony reject. Was that a Mohawk? A fauxhawk? What do you call that? Let me give you a hint….In my neighborhood you call that an ass whoopin’!

But in all fairness, I think American Idol has to honor the votes of the American public…..and by "honor the votes" I mean cheat like hell, rig the vote and put that scraggly-headed, no singing, fake smiling, vote stealing, crack smokin’, soul eating hack on the street in the next ten minutes. Don’t even wait for tonight’s results show…maybe just a quick press release so I don’t have to ever see him or that little crying girl ever again. Ever.

Kirk Comes Out

So, J.J. Abrams has decided to travel back in time to reinvent the Star Trek franchise with Kirk, Spock and the boys doing the whole Starfleet Academy thing. Basically, it's Harry freakin' Potter in space. Not that that concept is beyond workable but, you see my geek minions, the mere mention that Matt Damon is rumored to be cast as Captain James Tiberius Kirk leads me to very dark places. I would rather place my phaser on stun and use it as a suppository than watch this sleep-inducing hack try to bring credence where it is not needed or wanted. As a result of this debacle, I am forced to bring out my own list of candidates. Please pay attention, JJ, as it's obvious you could not locate James T. if you had point to point directions from On Star.... (and what's up with that On Star voice? It's like a third rate phone sex girl. Instead of "turn left on Van Buren", I keep expecting her to tell me to unzip my pants.) Yet, I digress, here are my suggestions J.J. .....

#1) Bring the camp to the camp

Star Trek: The Rules of Engagement

Cast David Spade as young Kirk the horny slacker. David still looks 15 and his acting chops make a styrofoam cup look deep and brooding. Just think of all the ways he could make fun of Spock's ears. And all those green chics he could mack on.

#2) Or maybe this one

Star Trek: Enter Seinfeld

Everybody knows Seinfeld ended WAY before it's time and that Star Trek needs to find new viewers. Let's solve both! Jerry will be perfect as the new indecisive Kirk who would rather talk about the consistency of Sorium brandy (What exactly is Sorium? Is that a flavor? A planet? What the HELL is that?) than the mission at hand. And what's wrong with a bumbling Spock? Kramer as Spock? BRILLIANT! And wouldn't George's whining be perfect for the always in trouble Mr Scott....And Elaine as the over ambitious Uhura always trying to steal Jerry's limelight! The beginning could always have a funny stand up part and maybe we could get rid of the whole space thing and put them in an apartment building as neighbors. Sounds promising!

#3) and finally...How about -

Star Trek: Trek Comes Out

Can you imagine Hugh Jackman's tights bringing new meaning to a "firm" captain. And even better, maybe Travolta could redeem himself from that space terd Battlefield Earth and could be Spock and he and Kirk could play a new kind of tridemensional chest, er, chess. I'm not sure it's logical for you to put that there, Jim...

In summation: JJ...my man....Matt Damon? Come on...where s the love, JJ? Where is the creativity? Call me....

Anna Nicole's Cream of Wheat Addiction

Ok....I am finally unable to contain my astonishment. I have been quiet. I have been patient. I have been busy watching American Idol so I just now really got to this but....without being irreverant, can we stop with the whole Anna Nicole Smith and baby whoever stuff now? I mean freakin' come on? First off, I continually feel confused when they say Howard Stern (I never hear the silent K) and I look and there are no midgets, boobs or at least a funny one liner. So right off the bat, I'm mad. And how can that clown say all he cares about is Anna and the baby when every 12 minutes he sells another exclusive to Entertainment Tonight? Yeah, if he's not a gold digger then I don't have a secret stash of Suzanne Somer's nudie pics. And I mean Three's Company Suzanne not botox inflated
organic/thighmaster slinging Suzanne. I'm talking when the Somer's twins stood tall....oops...off track.....So Howard is annoying and money hungry but what's up with her mom? Again, not meaning to be irreverant but what's wrong with being buried in the Bahamas? It's scenic, warm and waterfront. And she's fighting for Texas? I mean, damn, even the Dallas Cowboys have gone to hell and the best thing they can brag about is Who Shot JR and a booger-eating president. Where you planning to put her? Next to a dried up oil well? It's not exactly a sweet location there, Mom. And by the way, maybe you should actually HAVE a relationship with your daughter before you try to have a say in her post mortem affairs. Just a thought. And, finally, to the TV slugs who continue EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to have "Breaking News" in the Anna Nicole Tragedy.....The fact that Anna Nicole ate a bowl of Cream of Wheat the day she collapsed IS NOT breaking news. I don't give a damn and do you have to keep showing the half eaten bowl over and over from every possible angle and then have two friends who saw her eat it talk about every breakfast food she ever ingested from Crunch Berries to Eggs in a methadone creme sauce. And then you hacks try to recreate her eating the Cream of Wheat down to the details of what her post Wheat fart might have reeked of....the world needs to know....butter or maple syrup? I am begging you. No....demanding you.....STOP. I don't want to know what was in her stomach, what caused her to go down to the last detail, what her money grubbing boy toys have to say or what it would have been like to smell her last bowel movement. I am all smelled out.