So, J.J. Abrams has decided to travel back in time to reinvent the Star Trek franchise with Kirk, Spock and the boys doing the whole Starfleet Academy thing. Basically, it's Harry freakin' Potter in space. Not that that concept is beyond workable but, you see my geek minions, the mere mention that Matt Damon is rumored to be cast as Captain James Tiberius Kirk leads me to very dark places. I would rather place my phaser on stun and use it as a suppository than watch this sleep-inducing hack try to bring credence where it is not needed or wanted. As a result of this debacle, I am forced to bring out my own list of candidates. Please pay attention, JJ, as it's obvious you could not locate James T. if you had point to point directions from On Star.... (and what's up with that On Star voice? It's like a third rate phone sex girl. Instead of "turn left on Van Buren", I keep expecting her to tell me to unzip my pants.) Yet, I digress, here are my suggestions J.J. .....
#1) Bring the camp to the camp
Star Trek: The Rules of Engagement
Cast David Spade as young Kirk the horny slacker. David still looks 15 and his acting chops make a styrofoam cup look deep and brooding. Just think of all the ways he could make fun of Spock's ears. And all those green chics he could mack on.
#2) Or maybe this one
Star Trek: Enter Seinfeld
Everybody knows Seinfeld ended WAY before it's time and that Star Trek needs to find new viewers. Let's solve both! Jerry will be perfect as the new indecisive Kirk who would rather talk about the consistency of Sorium brandy (What exactly is Sorium? Is that a flavor? A planet? What the HELL is that?) than the mission at hand. And what's wrong with a bumbling Spock? Kramer as Spock? BRILLIANT! And wouldn't George's whining be perfect for the always in trouble Mr Scott....And Elaine as the over ambitious Uhura always trying to steal Jerry's limelight! The beginning could always have a funny stand up part and maybe we could get rid of the whole space thing and put them in an apartment building as neighbors. Sounds promising!
#3) and finally...How about -
Star Trek: Trek Comes Out
Can you imagine Hugh Jackman's tights bringing new meaning to a "firm" captain. And even better, maybe Travolta could redeem himself from that space terd Battlefield Earth and could be Spock and he and Kirk could play a new kind of tridemensional chest, er, chess. I'm not sure it's logical for you to put that there, Jim...
In summation: JJ...my man....Matt Damon? Come on...where s the love, JJ? Where is the creativity? Call me....
#1) Bring the camp to the camp
Star Trek: The Rules of Engagement
Cast David Spade as young Kirk the horny slacker. David still looks 15 and his acting chops make a styrofoam cup look deep and brooding. Just think of all the ways he could make fun of Spock's ears. And all those green chics he could mack on.
#2) Or maybe this one
Star Trek: Enter Seinfeld
Everybody knows Seinfeld ended WAY before it's time and that Star Trek needs to find new viewers. Let's solve both! Jerry will be perfect as the new indecisive Kirk who would rather talk about the consistency of Sorium brandy (What exactly is Sorium? Is that a flavor? A planet? What the HELL is that?) than the mission at hand. And what's wrong with a bumbling Spock? Kramer as Spock? BRILLIANT! And wouldn't George's whining be perfect for the always in trouble Mr Scott....And Elaine as the over ambitious Uhura always trying to steal Jerry's limelight! The beginning could always have a funny stand up part and maybe we could get rid of the whole space thing and put them in an apartment building as neighbors. Sounds promising!
#3) and finally...How about -
Star Trek: Trek Comes Out
Can you imagine Hugh Jackman's tights bringing new meaning to a "firm" captain. And even better, maybe Travolta could redeem himself from that space terd Battlefield Earth and could be Spock and he and Kirk could play a new kind of tridemensional chest, er, chess. I'm not sure it's logical for you to put that there, Jim...
In summation: JJ...my man....Matt Damon? Come on...where s the love, JJ? Where is the creativity? Call me....
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