The Other Wahlberg

Star of Saw II and a part of Saw III, Donnie Wahlberg (Officer Matthews), apparently has some kind of beef with the filmmakers for keeping him alive in the series. When asked about an appearance in the upcoming fourth installment of the grizzlefest known as Saw, Rotten Tomatoes (www.rottentomatoes.com) had this quote:

"Yeah, I got a scene in it," said Wahlberg. "They kept me alive. I told them I wanted to die in part three and they took out my death. I just lie there and nothing happens."

Even Jigsaw died in Saw III but he's back. The filmmakers are keeping a tight lip on the timeframe that allows such actors to return, but Wahlberg was so annoyed that he spilled that officer Matthews still exists in present tense.

"No, they kept me alive. I don't want to talk about it."

Are you frickin’ kidding me? Dude....seriously....you're mad about this? You're not gonna start spewing about artistic integrity are you, cry baby? Saw is the first semi-decent thing you’ve done since you were in that supergay group, New Kids on the Block. (Seriously, could you have been any gayer? You made Clay Aiken look like Clint Eastwood.) You oughtta be counting blessings and wanking the Wonka all day long if the filmmakers even MENTION your name in relation to this movie. Be content to see any of these next to your name: Actor, set builder, water boy, Tobin Bell’s personal penis massager….because anything is better than the career you have otherwise which would involve either A) extorting younger and vastly more talented brother, Marky Mark Wahlberg or B) asking the question, “Would you like fries with that?” all frickin’ day long. Let’s face it, a few more Saw-type flicks and you could have a long straight to cable presence along side fine bit players like Eric Roberts and Jean Claude Van Damme….however, a few more outbursts like this one and Hollywood will have about as much appreciation for you as my mailman does those cat turds I leave in the mailbox in the middle of August. What’s even funnier than that is he actually believes the story I told him about the renegade cat that does it. He probably also believes that Rosie O’Donnell is a woman and thinks he really IS a winner every time the Publishers Sweepstakes envelope arrives.

I'm your Huckleberry...Pie

Holy mother of all that’s sacred! Are you frickin’ kidding me? Does anyone remember Top Gun? Tombstone? When Val Kilmer uttered the famous line, “I’m your huckleberry” I never thought he meant that Shiite literally! I guess he was REALLY in character with the whole Tuberculosis thing and ran out of breath before he could finish what I imagine would have been the entire line... “I’m your huckleberry... pie eatin’ champion and, if you please, may I also have a bowl of some of that delicious lard stew? And a few of those fried twinkies? And a handful of those chocolate covered ……” Yeah, Val….you went from Doc Holiday to Doc Hit the Buffet. Then again, I am sure you are just adding weight for your comeback role…right?

Please, dear God, will someone remind me why it is that I spend 6 hours a day in the gym and my diet consists of a Slim-fast followed by a tasty finger down my throat to purge my delicious, creamy aforementioned Slim-fast just so I can look like Matthew McConnawhatvererthehellhisnameis? Look at ole Jack Nicholson. He looks like just a few hours earlier he unhinged his jaws and swallowed an unsuspecting young gazelle just like that Hoagie sandwich. That Hoagie is silently screaming for another chance with Jared from Subway. And, yet and still, 70 year old Jack has at least five (my bad, six) nearly naked women on the boat. They were probably among a group of 700 who drew a number just like at the DMV and they were the lucky winners who get to be turned out by crazy Jack. My wife says Jack is sexy. I always said he wasn’t. Apparently she is the one who is correct and I must live in this crazy universe where sexy is not a lard ass, hoagie stuffing, sunglass-wearing, coke snortin’, crazy haired nutbag. My bad. And by the way, the entire first sentence was a lie. I never go to the gym and I am a lard ass. And Slim-fast is for wussies who can't handle the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet. But still, that should not diminish my point. Should it? I mean, being a hypocite never stopped me before. Why should it now?

A great photo of Tranae!

And finally, Tranae Hammond, a former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild, is suing the company for sexual harassment. According to court papers, Hammond's supervisor touched and massaged Hammond's shoulders, frequently spoke about sex in front of her, and on at least one occasion "tapped (her) buttocks with a clipboard." Ummmmmmm, Tranae, ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? That’d be like me getting a job as Willie Nelson’s roadie and suing him for gettin’ a buzz off the sidestream smoke from his hippie lettuce. I’m all for treating women with respect but you went to work for GIRLS GONE WILD. Not the National Organization for Women. As a matter of fact, I would expect that a key part of the interview process at Girls Gone Wild would involve lifting your shirt and waving those wind jammers for the entire management team. And you were a SALESperson. So, let me get this right. You spent your whole day peddling videos of drunken skankhos showing their chimichangas in the streets so the pervs that watch ‘em can take Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction, but you’re mad that the guys in the office talked about sex in front of you? I don’t mean to sound crazy but how the hell do you work at a softcore porn company and NOT talk about sex? Maybe next you could get a job at a condom factory and sue for latex allergies. Well, Tranae, now I’m filing a lawsuit against you for the pain and suffering of my blood pressure being raised to dangerous levels as a direct result of you being a mammoth pantload of stink tenderloin.

I So Wanna Bitch Slap You Right Now

In The Game Plan, The Rock is a football star who discovers he has a 7 year old daughter he didn’t know about and she proceeds to turn his life upside down by doing things like putting his bull dog in a tutu and gluing fake gemstones all over his MVP game ball. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Come on, get a grip man, you’re The frickin’ Rock, for God’s sake! You’re supposed to be in movies where stuff gets blown up and you see more action than Paris Hilton’s vagina. Not some movie where you’re upstaged by a seven-year-old girl. Yeah, I get the whole “irony” thing. Big, muscled up wrestler football guy gets all turned around by tiny little princess. But the real irony here is that this movie makes you look gayer than Clay Aiken at a popsicle taste testing event. As a matter of fact, that should be the name of this movie: Instead of The Game Plan, it should be The GAY Plan. What’s next Dwayne? Are you gonna bring the shock and awe of The Rock to a live action version of the Powerpuff Girls? Maybe you could you could use your action hero status to update a classic like My Little Pony. Sure, every action hero does something kid friendly. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Kindergarten Cop but he turned those five year olds into army commandos and still managed to shoot a bad guy about 38 times with a 6-bullet clip. Hell, Clint Eastwood even did a couple movies with an orangutan but that orangutan drank beer and beat up bikers. What do you have? Oh yeah, you have the struggle of balancing your football practice and her ballet classes. Yeah, Dwayne….I’ve had bigger struggles than that settin’ a turtle head free in lake porcelain. Might I suggest a new name to go with that image makeover? I’m thinking instead of The Rock that maybe you could be “The Tissue”. Meanwhile, we’ll look forward to seeing you in Brokeback Mountain 2, candyass.

Sorry dude....

I just wanna wish my friend Jeremy Morphis a quick recovery from that bong fire. Dude, you can’t fill those things with gasoline.