Fatties Unite!

Meme Roth of National Action Against Obesity recently said Jordin Sparks is too obese to win American Idol. Roth says that Sparks, the 17 year old winner of this year's American Idol and daughter of former NFL cornerback Phillippi Sparks, sends a bad message to a society in the midst of child obesity crisis. “When I look at Jordin, what I see is heart disease, I see diabetes, I see high cholesterol."

Are you frickin’ kidding me? When I look at Jordin I see a girl so cute that if you put her next to a group of puppies they would instantly look like maggots with legs. But Meme, you Barbie-syndrome, anorexia pushin’, lunch throwin’ up nut case, what I see when I look at you is A) a posterchild for mandible augmentation. Hell, with a 5:00 shadow you could give George Clooney a run for super-powered jawlines and B) a woman who most likely hides her index fingers from the world because the ends of them are probably melted to nubs from the years of stomach acid they encountered while spearing the back of your throat.

If it was up to me, I would have you kidnapped and hypnotized to believe that Ronald McDonald was Jesus and that eating the holy Big Macs was the only way to get through the pearly gates. If karma is truly a wheel, then I pray it is in the shape of a burger when it rolls it’s greasy, cheesy goodness all over you.

For God's sake, she's only 17 you frickin' nutbag. Meme, I blame you for Nicole Richie and those idiotic blond twins who look like stick figures....you know...Mary Carp and Assface....or whatever.

See Jordin, I got your back. Now make those of us with junk in our trunk proud and put out a CD that doesn’t suck like Reuben and Fantasia’s.

I knew you took it, John.

The other day, modern day Jazz great, John Legend came by my pad, which, I assure you is somewhere near 1350 square feet of the sweetest heaven he’s ever seen in his life. He seemed particularly fascinated by my incredible skills in décor and the fact that I have Golden Tee Golf for my PS2. He begged to play and three bottles of Cristall later, after I was 32 under par and he was 3 over (not bad for someone who has logged under 3,000 hours of videogame golf), he asked if he could borrow it. Of course, I said, “Hell no. Buy your own. But you can borrow Mario Kart, if you want.” He got mad and stomped out like a 5 year old and said he was headed clubbing. The next morning I noticed that the cool ass Acme Anvil I had in my front yard (Because, really, who doesn’t love all things Wile-E-Coyote?) was missing. After seeing this picture, it’s obvious that John did, in fact, steal my anvil and decided to hide it in the front of his pants. John, when you wake up, I fully expect that back. Damn, man, that’s just sorry to steal aother man’s anvil. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Look at that thing! I’m sure every chic that ever saw him naked immediately had Sesame Street flashbacks and began calling him Mr. Snufflelufagus. Does that thing have its own kickstand, John? Zip code maybe? He sure as hell ain’t the one that will disprove the age old myth of who has the bigger appendages. Thanks a lot, John. That high pitched sound that made your ears bleed at 8 am this morning was the unified screams of white men across the planet opening their email to see this picture and beg1n to sob in shame. Inconsiderate bastard.

Grandma's moonlighting again...

Wow! That’s amazing! Britney went from head shave to hair in the middle of her back in less than 2 months. She must be taking some great vitamins! Then again…..are you frickin’ kidding me? Unbeknownst to me, Britney has traded in her hairdresser for my grandma and her world-renowned sock sewing skills. She was the best! I remember one time I went to a friend’s house to jump on their trampoline with some buddies and when I took my shoe off and they got their first look at “frankensock” they thought it was the coolest thing ever. They were so jealous that they all took turns hitting me and giving me wedgies so hard that my ass crack started at the base of my neck. Funny, they didn’t take my sock, though. Seriously, Brit, you have like millions of dollars in the bank. Do you think you might get someone who has something other than a knitting needle and a certificate of completion from Thelma’s Online Cross-Stitching School to take care of your extensions? Dumbass.

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He's Magnum and I'm Not

So, I’ll admit it, I loved Magnum P.I. when I was a kid. The cool Ferrari, Doberman’s named Apollo and Zeus and a friend with a chopper…..oh yeah…I almost forgot all the hot babes….You see, Magnum put the P.I in P.I.M.P…..Ok, so maybe that was really lame but not as lame as what Selleck said last night about the upcoming movie remake of his old show.

“I tell you what worries me - because I love Magnum & we have loyal fans - is they take these TV show titles, & they buy them & they spend $100 million on special effects, & then they make fun of them & trivialize it. Then they try & get the actor who used to be in it to do some ridiculous cameo to prove to the audience that it's OK. & I will not do that."

Ummmmmm…..Yeah, Tom……how much more trivialized can you make a private eye in a half-buttoned, Hawaiian shirt who in every episode makes sexy-time with some bimbo in his basement and then 10 minutes later is abusing his butler with a dorky one-liner and then running away from the doberman’s that wanna rip his asshole out?

I guess I could say I didn’t want my penis trivialized by having my life story reenacted by a porn star, too but everyone knows that, just like your TV show, a bigger, better version is probably fine with everyone. Especially my wife. God bless her. Because no one ever called me “Magnum”. Mostly, my past dates just stood there and giggled. And now you know why I am so angry.

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Ummmmm, that's just wrong

DaaaaaaYummmmm! For those of you who don’t know, Amy Winehouse is one of the most incredible singers out right now. Her hobbies include songwriting, reading the Angry, Angry Viewer’s blog, hangin’ out with friends and obsessively hitting herself in the mouth with a frickin’ hammer. HELLO!!!!!!!! Amy….WTF!!!! Did you get drunk one night and try to eat a concrete pylon? Do you gargle with a jar of bolts? You need to get a couple chiclets and shove ‘em in those holes, honey. And you went on the Late Night looking like that? I mean, damn, make up is one thing but they don’t have oral surgeons to prep you for a TV talk show. Maybe you could have just held up a picture of Kirsten Dunst in front of you while you sang. I mean, her teeth suck but at least she has a few. I really, really love your music but, seriously, down a few shots of tequila, get your hammer out and go ahead and bang the rest of those bone fragments out of your mouth. When you wake up, it’s gonna hurt like hell but at least you’ll be ready to get fit for dentures. AMY WINEHOUSE IN CONCERT….brought to you by Polident.

Will somebody call the damn Orkin Man, please?

RUN! RUN! Killer beetles are on the attack! Are you frickin kidding me? I’m praying that you drank so much PGA the night before that you were suffering from temporary blindness when you put that dress on. That could also explain the reason you weigh the same amount as my zebco rod and reel. That same blindness must have you mistaking a plate full of flesh eating virus and a glass of delicious air for dinner. Mischa, you seem like a nice enough girl and all but don’t you think it’s time you tried a food substance that wasn’t a powder? I know that wheat thin you put in your mouth will seem really foreign but you have to give it a shot. Could you just bite a little piece off of the corner for Daddy? I’d like you to grow into more than a sea monkey in a jellybean dress, princess.

Fire, me no like fire

WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE! Wow……now it’s all too clear why her dad said she had a nice rack. Yeah, sure, she has the vernacular of a 12 year old and the brain of a 12 year old but I’m sure Joe Simpson spent weeks robbing morgues to assemble the parts to complete his masterpiece.....Frankenbreast. Hell, if you just added a couple of bolts and a zig zag line across her neck you could actually hear her say, “Me hungry for man love”. Of course, with today’s plastic surgeons, it’s no surprise they were able to hide the scar from Joe’s chainsaw adventure at the mortuary. But, you know that feeling you get when you’re so tired that you get home and realize that the McDonald’s drivethru person messed up your order so bad that, instead of a Big Mac and fries you get a half eaten apple pie and a couple stale chicken nuggets but you just look at it and eat it anyway because all you really wanna do is go to bed? That must have been what happened when Joe got home and realized he got the wrong brain for Frankenbreast, errrrr, his daughter. He just stared at it a while and said, “Well, Daddy’s girl may never be able to count to 20 without her shoes off, but she will be able to count on that nice rack.” Nice job, Joe but maybe next time you make a woman from spare parts you could use an actual brain instead of that bowl of red jello.

Monday Morning Clowns

1) Of course she said it wasn’t her.

A video released online shows Lindsay Lohan snorting loads of a white, powdery substance. I’m sure it was Tide detergent. You see, she had sinus infection that made a nasty smell in her nose and just wanted to have that Mountain Spring clean scent all night long at the club. Who of us can’t understand that? I mean, damn, give the girl a break. Does every white powder she puts in her nose HAVE TO BE drugs? Can’t a girl launder her nostrils without judgement?

2) Eu de WTF?

Kiera Knightly said, I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean. Ummmmm, no what you need is a new publicist who can shut you the hell up before you spout out something along the line that you also haven’t trimmed your “easy bake oven” since the last Cosby Show aired and that dental hygiene is too much effort. Please, someone, shut her the hell up before the teenage boy suicide hotline crashes from overload.

3) Pete Doherty is a Scientist.

Pete Doherty was arrested for the 1.8 billionth time this weekend. I bet you can’t guess why. I guess you have to be impressed, to some degree, that he has basically invented the first hybrid human being. Instead of blood, Pete’s circulatory system is completely made up of cheap whiskey and heroin. I guess everybody has to do their part for science. Kudos to you, Pete. I’m so inspired by Pete, that next week, I plan on swapping my blood out with gravy so that I can become the world’s first “official” lard ass. See, Rosie O’Donnell, you ain’t shit.

4) Go baby, go!

The Queen of England graced the Kentucky Derby this past weekend. Presumably to see her daughter in law, Camilla, race……..ummmmm……get it? See, she’s kind of a horse-faced looking woman. Ummm….she has really big teeth and a nasty English overbite….ahhh, forget it.

5) Add some cheese and you got a sensible snack.

Speaking of the Kentucky Derby, both Kid Rock and K-Fed were seen there. They actually had their picture made TOGETHER. To which Nabisco’s Ritz line management team called an emergency strategy session because they had never been “out-crackered” like that in public before.

The Lesser Owen Brother

Mr. Luke Wilson – So, your newest venture, the horror movie, Vacancy, has only managed to scare up 13 million in two weeks. It cost 20 million to make and about 10 million to advertise. Let’s see….cost 30 million – made 13 million… that sucks about as bad as the time I got drunk and my friends convinced me the only way to get rid of crabs involved paint thinner and a box of matches. Hey Luke, care to take a guess as to why this movie will never make any profit? Are you frickin’ kidding me?

What part of “you suck” do you not understand? Out of the 34 movies you have been a part of, the only ones that made money were Old School with Will Ferrell, Anchorman which had…mmmm…Will Ferrell and Blades of Glory which was …Ummm….I don’t know….FRICKIN’ WILL FERRELL? Basically, they could have inserted my momma’s glass eye into the role you had and not only would the movies have made as much money, they probably would have gotten a little more acting intensity, too because you’re about as sharp as a frickin’ cue ball. Now, don’t get me wrong, if I were you, I would cling to Ferrell like a dingleberry satellite orbiting Uranus because you’re riding a frickin’ gravy train on biscuit wheels.

And here’s a message to all the directors out there. Apparently, you think every time Owen Wilson turns a role down you can just insert his no talent hack of a brother in the role and we won’t notice. Well guess what, you can also spraypaint a turd green and put a picture of George Washington on it but that doesn’t mean anyone at the Dollar Store is dumb enough to take it. Morons.

You Shouldn't Have Said That....

This quote has me more pissed off than Rosie O’Donnell when the local pub quit serving gravy by the shot. Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying; “The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don't want that distraction from my work. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar." ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME???

Where do I even start? Leave you alone? Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had equipped every single paparazzo with one of those round flashing beepers from Outback Steakhouse so they know the exact moment you plan to act like an idiot again. I mean, I could say I don’t want attention all day long but if I walk around with a half empty bottle of Stoli’s Vodka in one hand and my penis in the other, there’s a damn good chance that somebody might notice. Likely it would be my wife saying, “not again” but that’s not the point!

AND, and, and…..I can’t even bring myself to say it…..You want an OSCAR???? For what? Acting? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? Lindsay, you couldn’t locate good acting unless it was attached to the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila or if somehow it was passed to you at a party wrapped up in a zig zag. I hate to inform you but they don’t yet have an Oscar for being the person who can best flash her Everlasting gobstuffer in public and if they did it would damn sure go to Britney. I would rather be date raped by Dustin Diamond and his special friend Sanchez than have to suffer through watching your craptastic movies. Enough said.

Chad is asking for it

I can’t watch a single TV show after 7pm without having to see this damn commercial air more than Paris Hilton’s vagina. You know the one….that damn All-smell commercial with Chad. It plays more times an hour than Freebird in a trailer park.

Second, how dumb do you have to be to let those 4 geeks force you into the back of a van? Apparently, Chad couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. Think about it. Then again maybe it was voluntary… let’s examine this commercial’s plot a little closer.

1) You have 4 dudes asking another dude to get in the back of a van after work.

2) He gets in

2) One of ‘em says they wanna do “stuff” to him

3) He pinches Chad

4) The song come and get your love starts playing.

If I didn’t know better I’d say this was the first two minutes of a gay porn movie. And the feature they’re promoting is “My circle”. More like my circle JERK. Either way, I don’t give a damn; I would rather castrate myself with a spork from KFC than have to see that commercial one more time.

But Chad, seriously, if you interrupt CSI Miami again, I will personally make certain that the next van you get pulled into won’t be about getting love unless you have a fetish for duct tape and brass knuckles.