Godspeed to you, my friend....

I just wanted to tell my friend, Jeremy Morphis, that all the guys here at the radio station are really pulling for you to have a quick recovery from that penis pump injury. In all fairness, I did tell you that powering that thing with a car battery was not a good idea.

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Yeeeeeeah, THAT'S the Problem....

This one has me crankier than Tom Sizemore’s nose. In what is sure to be the next “big thing”, Landmark Theater in West Hollywood has decided to remodel and is adopting a "Living Room" style with couches, comfortable chairs, loveseats and the like. According to their spokesperson, it's the chain's way of trying to lure more people out of their homes. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Did you think the reason people weren’t coming to your theater is because you didn’t have a frickin’ couch? The reason people aren’t coming to your theater is because you have to apply for financial aid just to get a bucket of popcorn and some frickin’ gummi worms. And I might lose my damn mind if one more of your loan sharks, errr, concession people tell me that for “only a quarter more” I can get the jumbo-sized drink. Newsflash: I don’t want a Mr Pibb that comes in a frickin’ 55 gallon drum where I have to dolly it to my damn chair. That is, unless you wanna put a urinal on the back of the seat in front of me. Yeah, sorry, about that splash on the back of your head, sir. And what the hell is Mr Pibb? For $35 bucks a pop I get generic Dr Pepper? And ya know, maybe you crooks could lower the concession prices a little bit if you didn’t have to keep the air conditioner set on a temperature that made it feel like the frozen tundra. Should I really need a parka in mid July? What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want a couch or loveseat in the theater. I just wanna be able to get a real Dr Pepper and some milk duds without breaking a hundred dollar bill. And I’d appreciate it, if it’s not too much trouble, that you not have the temperature set so low that by the end of the movie I’m afraid to cough because my frickin' testicles have retreated into my throat.

Mamma's Got a Brand New Bag

Soooooo, Cameron Diaz went on a little South American trip and managed to offend the entire country of Peru by wearing a bag with the logo of Dictator Mao Zedong. You see, Cammy, the people of Peru aren't crazy about Mao or communism, possibly because in the not too distant past, he attacked Peru like Oprah Winfrey on a washtub full of hickory smoked turkey legs. Are you frickin’ kidding me? How stupid do you have to be to style a Chinese Communist logo on your purse? No wonder Justin Timberlake ejected you like Nicole Richie’s lunch. Gee, I guess it’s a good thing that Abercrombie and Fitch don’t make a handbag with the Nazi Swastika on it, huh, Cammy? Can’t you hear that…."Oooooh, I saw that design in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I bet that red and black armband would go great with these shoes! I wonder what that means, anyway? Who cares! I am so wearing that on my trip to Berlin." Hey Cameron, maybe on your next humanitarian mission you could take a trip to Japan and style a T-shirt with a picture of a frickin’ mushroom cloud on it. As much as I can’t believe I’m saying this, you make Britney Spears look like Professor Stephen Hawking. Cameron, I think it’s safe to assume that, in the near future, you won’t be splitting any atoms or curing cancer but is it too much to ask that the next time you see a really cool design that you wanna style in a foreign country, maybe you could swing by wikipedia to make sure it’s not the political equivalent of squattin’ down and launching butt scuds all over their history.

Creative struggles? Britney? Say it isn't so!

This one has me more miserable than Bill Clinton with a motion sensor attached to his zipper. A music industry insider says Britney Spears’ new album is delayed because Britney’s struggling creatively. According to the source, “Jive Records hated the songs Britney was coming up with. Struggling creatively? Are you frickin’ kidding me? She’s not struggling creatively… Britney’s struggling to find the intelligence to just suck in enough oxygen. She’s such an idiot that she probably spends bathtime completely amazed by her own fart bubbles. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if a story broke tomorrow about Britney being committed to a mental institution because K-Fed showed up to get the kids and found her on the stairs singing, “Oops I Did it Again" and finger-painting with her own doo doo. Speaking of Britney’s kids… how bad is it when, just for a minute, I started to think Kevin Federline might actually be the better parent? But then I realized that that makes about as much sense as going on vacation and asking Snoop Dogg to keep an eye on your weed. Those kids are much better off in the care of the nanny. Matter of fact, they’d probably be better off being cared for by a frickin’ can opener. And are you shocked that Jive Records hates her new songs? Can you imagine how bad they are? They probably have lyrics like, “Back in the groove and got some serious Libido, Damn, I wish I had a big bag a cheetos” or “I know you want to get a look at my red snapper but you can’t get none if you ain’t a white rapper.” The bottom line: Britney’s album has been delayed because it’s gonna suck harder than Selma Hayek’s breast pump.

She really IS Scary!

Ohhhhhhhh ok, I get it. I now understand why Eddie Murphy tried to deny that Scary Spice (aka Melanie Brown)was carrying his baby. I mean, daaaaayuuummmmm……If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was carrying the spawn of Satan and that this picture was taken right after she took a shot of Holy Water in the eye. About 3 seconds later she was completely vaporized by rays from the sun. I sure as hell bet Eddie wished that was the case because that dude is SOOOOOOOO paying millions to old goo eye. Now who’s the donkey, Eddie? All of the sudden I smell Shrek 5-8. Daddy's gonna need a little dough. Face it, Ed, the only way you're getting out of this is with a wooden stake and some garlic. You are completely screwed! Next time wear a condom you arrogant, prick. And by the way, I want a refund for Norbit. I figure you owe me

about $8 for the ticket, about $230 for concessions and about $82,000 for you just changing the name of The Nutty Professor and expecting me not to catch on. That's an hour and a half I could have spent doing something a little more fun, like say, repeatedly blasting my forehead with a staple gun.

Corey, Jay, the Angry, Angry Viewr and Jersey at Edgefest

Wow....10,000+ people screaming ... that was frickin' cool! Of course, now that I think about it....maybe they were just screaming because they wanted us to get off the damn stage so they could hear Breaking Benjamin rock it out. But, this is my delusion, so don't try to bring me down... they were there to see the Angry, Angry Viewer. And they were all yelling "Are you frickin' kidding me" at the top of their lungs followed by chants of "Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!" and backstage women tore at my shirt .....then I woke up and it was just a bill collector trying to get the wallet out of my pants while I was passed out. Anyway, Edgefest rocked even if I am broker than the US Treasury after the Bush administration.

My first satisfied customer!

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Here's my $30 - Kick away, Mr. Wino (Alternate title: Now I Know Why Dogs Do That)

This one’s got me more chafed than Spiderman that day he left his suit in the dryer too long. Everyone seems to be buzzing about Fantastic Four 2 – The Rise of the Silver Surfer. Another Fantastic Four?. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I was completely stoked to see the first installment of The Fantastic Four. But frankly, in terms of enjoyment, watching the first one ranked right up there with running through a lion's den wearing nothing but pork chop underwear. Don’t get me wrong, like any heterosexual male, I think it’s hot seeing Jessica Alba in that tight spandex suit. I mean that suit is so tight that you don’t just see the toe but the whole damn camel. But Jessica Alba playing a scientist? Come on….. that makes about as much sense as seeing a tornado and trying to take cover behind the Olsen twins. And then you have Mr. Fantastic getting married? Dude, what are you doing getting married? Let me get this straight…..you can literally stretch any part of your anatomy as long as you want and in any shape imaginable and you wanna get married? You GOTTA be frickin’ kidding me! Married is a definite no and with that superpower….I might, and I do mean I might, consider saving the world as long as it fit somewhere between me a) sneaking my super stretchy arm past white house security so I could repeatedly give George Bush an atomic wedgie and b) using my stretchy head to reenact what my dog spends most of his free time doing. And don’t even act like you wouldn’t give it serious thought if you were that limber. And what’s up with the computer generated Silver Surfer? For a hundred million dollars that the best they’ve got? He looks like someone spray painted Howie Mandel while he was naked and gave him a surfboard. The good news for you, Anger Allies, is that my psychic abilities allow me to review Fantastic Four 2 before I have even seen it. My rating for this movie is 3 ½ flushes because that’s how many it will take to get this colossal butt nugget down the waterway. But yet, somehow, someway, my kids will drag me to see the Fantastic Foreskins and the whole time I’ll be thinking that I could have had more fun if I had gone downtown and given that $30 bucks to a wino to just kick me in the nuts for an hour and a half.

A Real, er, Wheel Player

This week it was reported that movie star, Owen Wilson, rode over to a high profile, New York strip club called Scores West Side. You might not think that sounds odd at all until I tell you he rode up on a mountain bike. A MOUNTAIN BIKE? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Hey, Owen, did you valet that? Does your bike have a little bell on it so you can let everyone know the player’s on the scene? Maybe some playing cards in the spokes so you can make it sound just like a real motorcycle? Yeah, a mountain bike is exactly what every hot topless chic is looking for in a man. The only way you could have made it better is if you had shown up stylin’ a fanny pack full of quarters to tip the dancers with. Or maybe you could have challenged the naked ladies to a Dungeons and Dragons Tournament followed by showing off your extensive wealth of Star Wars trivia. Dude, you must be the lamest player in Hollywood because you couldn’t even keep Kate Hudson on the line and she was married to that singer from the Black Crowes who looked like Osama Bin Laden after a three day acid trip. So listen up, high roller….I suggest you throw on your best pair of parachute pants, throw your Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the handlebar basket, pedal your ass to the chess club meeting and leave those nice topless dancers to someone a little more manly like Rosie ODonnell.

Illusions of Grandeur

This one has me more bent out of shape than Barry Bond's hypodermic needle. Maybe you’ve seen Illusionist Criss Angel on that show, Mindfreak. This past week Criss performed a Houdini-style trick in New York. First, he was put in a box of glass, then they filled it with concrete and suspended it 40 feet off of the ground. Twenty-four hours later the six thousand pound box crashed to the ground, only to the surprise of the crowd, Criss appeared on some nearby scaffolding. Are you frickin’ kidding me? First off…..To the surprise of the crowd? Who made up this crowd? A team from the Special Olympics? Criss, does anyone really believe you were in that box for 24 hours? Second, you spell Criss with a double ‘s’? The only way you could get any gayer than that is if you changed your name to Ryan Secrest. So, after the box crashed and you magically re-appeared like Kirstie Alley on a stack of blueberry pancakes, you said, “I’d like to dedicate this escape to my girl ‘Trouble,’ a.k.a. Cameron. I love you baby. Have a safe trip to Europe for your Shrek tour.” How sweet. In all honesty, I didn’t think Cameron Diaz could get a man any gayer than Justin Timberlake but compared to you Justin looks like Steven Segal…well, Steven Segal minus about 2000 buckets of KFC extra crispy chicken legs. Have you seen that dude lately? The only thing Steven Seagal chops now is some round steak smothered in white gravy. But I digress…back to Criss. The bottom line, you wanna impress me with an escape, Sweet Pants, why don’t you try escaping from my ex wife. I tried throwing a few smoke bombs and climbing out the back door of my Pontiac but I’ll be damned if she didn’t find me. If you can pull off that trick, you just might be the new Copperfield.

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Will everybody PLEASE stop stealing from my Grandma!

You see, Britney, you are not the only one stealing clothes from my grandma. Here, Uma Thurman shows off my Granny’s favorite swim suit. Of course, Granny liked it because it concealed her extra large adult diaper band but what’s your excuse, Uma? On the bright side, if you fall off a cliff….and by fall off I mean when the fashion police arrive and kick the crap out of you and then throw your crazy ass off a cliff for wearing the dumbest bikini in the history of bikinis…..well, then you can just turn upside down and that parachute should open right up. And that big hearty laugh you’re having there…..I can only imagine how fun it would be to end that with the industrial strength wedgie I could give you with that retarded bikini. What are you laughing at anyway? I know what I’m laughing at…..I’m laughing at the fact that your last eight movies combined made the same amount as I what I spent for my Spicy Chicken sandwich value meal. In all fairness, I did pay 50 cents more for the extra cheese.

The New Inspector Gadget !

It appears that Britney Spears has taken a role as the first female Inspector Gadget. I almost didn't recognize her in that "librarian" disguise (as if she needs glasses. Everyone knows she can't read.) But hey, don't laugh, it worked for Clark Kent. As you can see, she is apparently testing out one of the newest devices…..I can hear it now….”GO GO GADGET BOOB - RIGHT SIDE!” What kind of spring does that thing require? Must be like getting hit by Mike Tyson in his prime. TWHACK! With a quick swing left or right she can knock a bad guy on his ass and leave a nipple imprint in his forehead that will remind him of his defeat by Gadget Britney for the rest of his life. And all the while her Gadget Radio is blasting Justin Timberlake as she mumbles something incoherant about his sexy back. Oh the shame! Villains beware…..Gadget Britney is on patrol. Stay tuned for the debut of Britney’s Go Go Gadget Labia and Go Go Gadget Anus...

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Skankapalooza Tour 07

And finally…Two words have me angrier than a midget alcoholic when the whiskey’s on the top shelf. Lindsay Lohan –So, Lindsay, let me get this straight, a couple weeks back, pictures surfaced on the internet of you handing out cocaine to your friends like you were at Tony Montana’s birthday party. (Ju wan sum of dis blow, main?) This week, in the span of about 4 hours, you leave the club drunk, wreck your car, get a DUI, leave the police station and then make alcoholics nationwide swell with pride by immediately returning to the club until 4 am? Are ju frickin’ kidding me, main? What is this… the Skankapalooza Tour? And how the hell is it that you can afford to pass out blow like it was peppermints from my grandma’s purse and still not spend a little money to hire a limo driver? Or maybe a taxicab. Hell, at this pace maybe the safest thing you could do is just find a post outside the club to which you could tie a frickin’ camel to ride! Then you could combine your two favorite things, driving drunk and getting your hump on. Yeah, getting pulled over while drunk driving on a camel down Hollywood Blvd might be embarrassing but at least you get to keep your driver’s license. Then to top that off, when you and the rest of the Skangwagon Gang leave the club from the second leg of your tour, the papparazi took pictures of you on the sidewalk blowing chunks like the Krakatau Volcano. Well, somebody’s had a busy day, huh Tiger? The only thing you left out was floatin’ a steaming turd in your $800 pair of Louis Vitton sweatpants. Of course, I’m sure you will tell everyone that this was just research for the new movie where you play a stripper but I don’t seem to recall ever tipping a stripper who ralphed up an extra long cheese coney in the middle of my lap dance. Well, here’s a couple tips for you, Skanksy Blowhan… Number 1…Learn to hold your liquor and Number 2…be responsible ….the next time you think about getting behind the wheel drunk and turning your car into a 5000 lb missile, why don’t you do the right thing and aim it at Paris Hilton?

Crazy and Baffoon

TV and movie star, Anne Heche and her estranged husband, one Mr Coleman Laffoon, are fighting for custody of their child. Now, he is suing on the grounds that she is not mentally competent enough to take care of their child. Did I say Mr Coleman Laffoon? I should have said Mr Coleman BAFOON! Are you Frickin’ kidding me? Let me ask you something there, Mr Coldcut Bafoon, you mean to tell me, when you married Anne Heche, that you were the ONLY person on the planet who didn’t know she had more screws loose than the Mike Huckabee campaign? Come on, Mr Combover Baboon, we’re talking about the woman who not that long ago broke up with Ellen DeGeneres and was found wandering in the desert, pickin’ boogers and telling people that the mother ship was on the way to get her. Dude, she’s so crazy that people who do LSD should refer to it as “Dropping Anne Heche”. Do you smell what I’m stepping in there, Mr Colostomy Baloon? Then Anne Heche fires back by saying that, when their son stays with him in Los Angeles, that he sends the boy to preschool while he "plays poker and views pornography online.” Yeah? And what’s your point, Anne?
Do you know how much porn it would take to erase the memory of seeing you naked? Let’s just say that there’s a good chance that I would need to keep back up copies of Forest Hump and Pulp Friction on hand. Get it? On hand? Bottom line, you two morons combined couldn’t poor piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. I’m rooting for the grandparents.

The Rear-View

ABC producers opted not to renew Rosie O’Donnell’s contract in spite of the fact that the View has a bigger audience and more publicity than ever. That makes sense doesn’t it? Are you frickin’ kidding me? ABC letting go of their cash Rosie, errrr, I mean cash cow makes about as much sense as putting Nicole Richie and the word “cleavage” in the same sentence. Don’t get me wrong... I still think Rosie runs her big mouth way too much. In fact, I imagine the only time Rosie’s mouth ever closes is when she clamps it around a 5 lb ham shank. But how the hell are the producers not going to pony up the bucks when Rosie brought the ratings to the highest they’ve ever been? Put it like this, if I had to have surgery on my prostate and when I woke up I realized that the doctor had doubled the size of my Johnson while he was there, well I sure as hell would wanna pay him a little extra. In all honesty, before Rosie was on there, I didn’t even know there was a show called The View. And now that she’s gone, what’s left? A couple of women so old that they could have left a waiter’s tip at the last supper and that blond woman who reminds me of a Chihuahua on crack. Seriously, if my choices were A) listening to her incessant yapping for an hour or B) letting Clay Aiken give me a colonoscopy then I guess I better call my HMO to see if Clay is in network. And now, oh brilliant ABC producers, I guess the world can just sit back and watch The View’s ratings sag like Hillary Clinton’s ass.

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