Ja Rule is a Ja Idiot

This one has me more fired up than that bag of poop I keep putting on my neighbor’s front porch. Just to be able tell you about this one I have to do a little creative editing. So, everytime Ja Rule says the “F-word” I’m gonna replace it with some version of Michael Vick’s name.

At a congressional hearing about how African American women are portrayed in rap music, hip hop star, Ja Rule had this to say, “. Let’s talk about all these Vicking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this shit," he went on to say. "Dating shows that's showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about shit like that! If that's not Vicking up America, I don't know what is."

Are you Vickin’ kidding me? I’ll tell you one thing that’s Vicking up America. Your grammar skills. If you’re subject and verb agreements were any farther apart they’d be Paris Hilton’s legs. With grammar that bad you just might have what it takes to be the next president. And, while I’m on the subject, I hope I’m not goin’ too far out on a limb here but you talkin’ like Vicking Scarface might be something that affects your kids a little more than the gay MTV.

Here’s what I imagine a Ja Rule father-son evening sounds like. Hey son, nice job on that MichaelVicking math test. By the way, what you watchin’? Oh Vick. Wait a Vicking minute. Is that that Vicking MTV show with all those Vicking gay people? We got to Vicking get rid of those MichaleVicking Vickwads. Now, turn that Vicking TV off, Vickhead and go get daddy his Vicking weed so he can calm the Vick down. How the Vick am I supposed to Vicking raise some good MichaleVicking kids? “

Yeah, Ja Rule. I couldn’t agree more. It’s those homosexuals messing everything up. By the way, Britney Spears just called and she thinks you might be setting a bad example for your kids. Assclown.

Bring on the Predator, baby!

Former Playboy pin up Denise Richards has accused her ex, actor Charlie Sheen, of being addicted to porn and exposing his private parts on sleazy internet sex sites. Denise says that ole Charlie sent a picture of his “penis” to at least 30 women on "hook-up" sites and this is one of her main arguments for custody. Are you frickin’ kidding me? 30 women, huh? So lemme get this straight, Charlie sent pictures of his Ivory Billed Woodpecker to 30 chics online while Denise posed for Playboy, which basically was like sending pictures of her Bermuda Triangle to 30 million horny dudes. She also had a lesbian sex scene in the movie Wild Things that was seen by 5 million people in the theater and was rented another 10 million times on DVD in the US. So, if my count is correct….Charlie sent out the Glamour Shots version of Captain Kilbasa to 30 women on the internet and Denise showed off Mrs. Sphincter's next door neighbor to 45 million people in the US alone. And you know what? Charlie has hooked up with some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Hell yeah he’s proud of that thing! He should bronze it. I wouldn’t blame him one bit if he used those pictures for this year’s family Christmas cards. Merry Christmas from Charlie and his holiday bagpipe. You know, Denise, few things in the world are more annoying than a hypocrite. I know you're ridiculously hot but I’d rather be trapped in a cell with the freaking Predator than spend 10 minutes with your wacky ass. And even after he severed me in half and I saw my own twitching lower torso, I’d still be saying “Thank God I got away from Denise. That bitch is crazy”. I’m with Team Charlie.

I'll just catch the Waffle House version, Hef...

First up, this one has me crabbier than a cannibal on an all Nicole Richie diet. Hollywood socialite, daughter of OJ attorney Robert Kardashian and the star of her own sex tape, Kim Kardashian, has decided to pose for Playboy. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian’s 12 page spread "will show one boob, and her bare butt." Are you frickin’ kidding me? One boob and a bare butt? Hell, she’s already done a sex tape so what’s the point of looking at a single boob in Playboy when I can just log onto the internet and watch some dude give her the Waffle House treatment for an hour… and by Waffle House treatment I mean scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, flipped, flopped and whatever other adjective fits. I mean, Jesus H. Jahosephat Jones, she’s already shown us what a full grown woman looks like in the spin cycle and now she wants to be modest in Playboy? And to top that off, now she’s gonna have her own reality show? Well, damn, I guess the name of the show will be Kim’s Kidneys because that’s about the only part of her we haven’t already gotten to know. And what the hell is wrong with Hugh Hefner? Playboy’s doing a 12 page spread and she’s not even gonna give a peek at the easy bake oven? The only explanation is that it will take the entire centerfold just to capture a single shot of her giant ass. And, don’t get me wrong because I love a girl with junk in the trunk but her ass is so big that David Blaine couldn’t make that thing disappear. Hell, her badonkadonk is so intimidating that J-Lo’s ass just got a restraining order against it. Come on, Hef.. She’s better suited for magazines with names like Plump Rumps or Butt Cake or Damn, That’s Where My Remote Went. Playboy’s for the best of the best

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Right in the Juice Box...that's gotta hurt!

This one has me more pissed off than a quadriplegic with an itchy ass. This past weekend OJ Simpson was arrested for busting into a casino hotel room to retrieve some memorabilia he said belonged to him. Not only did he demand his stuff but he did it with a four man posse of 50 some year old dudes waving guns all over the place. OJ called it a “sting operation”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Who’s kidding who here? The last time he pulled a “sting operation” it involved practically turning his ex-wife into a frickin’ pez dispenser and he didn’t even go to prison and now you think a little armed robbery is gonna slow him down? Hell, at this point he feels so invincible I’m surprised he didn’t show up with a frickin’ bazooka and then pull his wang out and wiggle it at the cops when they showed up. And come to find out, OJ was in Vegas to be the best man in a wedding. Who the hell would ask OJ to be his best man? Michael Myers from Halloween? The founder of the Ginzu? WHO? Well guess what, OJ? Chances are, that you’ll actually be going to prison this time and now there will be a whole new reason the inmates will use the word ”Juice”. So, to help you get prepared for prison life I have the TOP 5 things you are most likely to hear from your special new friends:

#5) “Don’t think of me as a cellmate. Think of me as your offensive coordinator and the first play I’m calling is a naked bootleg.”

#4) “I love OJ in the morning so why don’t you be my minute maid?”

#3) “Juice, you’ve always had great hands so don’t fumble my balls.

#2) “Hey OJ…come over here and show Daddy your juice box”.

And the #1) phrase you will now be hearing, “Why do you keep sayin’ if it doesn’t fit you must aquit?”

Well, damn....Grandma I hate that for you.

According to sources, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies” and she plans on having or adopting four kids by 2008. Are you frickin’ kidding me? You’re damn right you don’t need a husband to have a baby. With all the stuff swirling around in your uterus you might just spontaneously reproduce at any minute. Kind of like the big bang theory. Well, I guess, with you, Big Bang ain’t just a theory. And apparently you’ve been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world". Right, if by famous you mean the first kids in the world to actually get a DUI on a tricycle then I’m sure they will be. The idea of you as a parent scares me more than being partnered with George W Bush on Celebrity Jeopardy. You see, Paris, kids aren’t like sea monkeys. If you kill ‘em, you can’t just order another package from the back of a Mad Magazine. They’re also not Chihuahuas so you can’t just throw a few kibbles on the floor to shut ‘em up when they start yappin’ or blow your weed smoke in their noses just to see ‘em run circles around the rug. Well, unless you’re Britney Spears, that is. And to top it off, now I hear you want to design baby clothes. What would the name of that clothing line be? The Skanky Toddler? Babies Without Bottoms? Speaking of bottoms...let’s get to the bottom line: If my choices were A) thinking about you as a parent or B) watching a porno that starred my grandma and a donkey then I guess I’ll never look at Eeyore the same way again.

Better ease up on the twinkies, Kiera.

This one has me more bent out of shape than Britney Spears’ bellybutton ring. Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Caribbean said, “Weight is a big issue in Hollywood because I’m twice the size, height and everything else, of most of the girls who are going in to see the director for a part. I am, at my size, one of the largest actresses there.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? I’d like to give you a break because you’re cute but that statement is more lopsided than Forest Whitaker’s eye. I mean, one of the largest actresses compared to who? The only way you could be twice the size of other actresses is if they were cardboard cutouts. Damn, you’re the kind of girl that counts the calories of a communion wafer. When you’re not looking, other actors on the set hang their car keys on your hip bones. What part could you possibly try out for and be too big? The role of an ironing board.. And when you say you’re twice the size, height and “everything else”…well you know that the “everything else” part is a damned lie because when they coined the phrase, “making mountains out of molehills” they were talking about your push up bra. For God’s sake, Matthew McConaughey could get more cleavage out of that thing. Rumor has it that mosquitoes bite your chest out of sympathy. Let me tell you what is the twice the size…that piehole. Instead of saying something dumb every time you open that thing up why don’t ya try putting some food in it and that way when you tell people you have a bunch of junk in the trunk it’ll be more like a Chevy Corvette instead of a Barbie Corvette.

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Jesus wears stilletos?

Here’s another magazine interview that has me more chafed than Hillary Clinton ridin’ a 10 speed bike in polyester shorts. This past week, Britain’s Q Magazine published pop singer Avril Lavigne’s Ten Commandments and after reading them I realized that Avril Lavigne would be the perfect spokesperson for Summer’s Eve because she is a complete douche bag! I can’t cover them all so I just picked my favorite one. Avril likes to Practice Good Karma and says, “I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, "take it to Katrina!" I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers", especially if they don't make much money." Are you frickin’ kidding me? I can’t believe the goodness coming out of you, Avril. Sometimes, when I’m praying I get you confused with Jesus. So, let me get this straight. After Katrina, thousands of volunteers walked across the dookie-filled pond that New Orleans became to save lives and you’re gonna brag that you walked across your apartment to get six boxes worth of crap out of your damn closet? Yeah, I’m sure if New Orleans rescuer workers could have asked for anything it would have been spiked belts, stiletto boots and an assload of jeans full of holes. I’m sure that made identifying hurricane survivors much easier. Just look for the ones dressed like a frickin’ skankbucket. And to top it off, you couldn’t even drop your donation off at the damn post office yourself. You told your assistant to mail it for you. I bet that was just moments after you took the mud off her eyes and healed her of blindness, right? As far as giving stuff to people who are your “workers” that don’t make much money. How about just giving them a raise, assclown? If there is a God, and I believe there is…and that God believes in Karma and I believe he does, then I prophesy that in the not too distant future that a freak hurricane will spring from your toilet bowl and you’ll get sucked down where you belong with all the other turds.

We hear ya Brad......

In his interview with V Magazine - Brad Pitt discussed his break up with Jennifer Anniston and had this to say: “Jen and I still maintain a deep friendship and have a lot of life together that isn't erased in any way.” When pressed about the way it ended, Brad whined, “I don't know how better to have handled it.”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Yeah, I know the way I like to cultivate a deep friendship is to not only humiliate the person in the worldwide media but also to rub their nose it in it like a newspaper covered in hot, steamin’ labrador logs. The only thing “deep” about that situation, Brad, is how far you got the frickin’ shank into Jen’s back. As far as how you could have better handled it….ohhhh….I dunno….maybe you could have waited until you actually broke up with Jen before you started working Angelina over like the frickin’ KFC buffet. That might have been a good place to start. Or, maybe when you left Jen on Monday you could have waited until at least Thursday or Friday before you and Angie adopted enough kids to start a Nike factory. I think if you would just be honest, you know, come clean, then people would have a lot more respect for you. So the next time you are asked about Jennifer please use this answer I personally crafted for you: “You know, I am really sorry about all that and Jen is really nice but I got to see Angelina’s boobies! Don’t you frickin’ get it, man? And I got to put my face on ‘em and everything. Angelina’s rack is like a big pipe full of man crack and I ain’t ever goin’ to rehab.” Well, something like that oughtta get it.

Survivor: Petri Dish

This one has me more fired up than Ellen Degeneres’ vibrator. At the MTV music video awards, Kid Rock walked up and sucker punched Tommy Lee. Why? Allegedly because Rock was angered by the fact that Pamela Anderson sat in Tommy’s lap. Are you frickin’ kidding me? The only way this could have been better is if Jerry Springer had jumped out from behind a ficus tree. Both of them are Pam’s ex husbands so the fact that they’re fighting each other makes about as much sense as the time I got hammered and woke up naked in between a goat and a tub of country crock margarine. What could they possibly be fighting over? Who got gonorrhea first? Or maybe they both looked down at the same time and saw a Valtrex on the floor and started scrapping over that. If you see the three of them together you don’t need to call security, you need to call The Center for Disease Control. At this very moment, every one of their genitals is hosting its own episode of Survivor: Petri Dish and let me assure you that there are lots of contestants. My bets on Chlamydia to win but don’t count out the crabs. They are a crafty bunch. Seriously, the only way you could make this equation any more disgusting is if you added a bathroom stall and an Idaho Senator.

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Whoopi is Really, Really, Really Frickin' Dumb

This one has me more stirred up than a porn star’s uterus. Whoopi Goldberg made her debut on The View and immediately made a comment that was flakier than a box of Post Toasties. Goldberg said that “from where Michael Vick comes from” in the deep South, dogfighting isn’t that unusual. It’s like cockfighting in Puerto Rico,” Are you frickin’ kidding me? In the South dogfighting isn’t that unusual? Yeah, I just got my invitation in the mail yesterday to the Arkansas Human Society’s Annual Rip Rover’s Throat Out Event. Come on… that makes as much sense as my brother getting a snake bite on his schlong and asking me to suck out the poison. Sorry bro, but we all have to die sometime. First off, Whoopi Assberg, you are apparently as knowledgeable in geography as you are hair products because Vick is from Newport News, Virgina, which is about 2 hours from Washington DC. Newport News is to the deep south as Gwen Stephani is to Hooters. Second, I’ve lived in the real south almost my entire life and have never even heard about a dog fighting match. Unless you count Hillary Clinton Versus Janet Huckabee and that would be a hell of a bitch fight. When is the last time you actually came south, Whoopi Goldturd? Here are a few things you need to know: Dogfighting IS unusual. People here are more likely to shoot you for stealing their dog than kidnapping their spouse. Also, we have running water which, from the looks of that whisker biscuit on top of your head, you may want to check into. We also have integrated schools, contraceptives, shoes and thankfully… we have DVRs so we can fast forward past dumbass comments like yours that basically just squat down and drop a giant load of ass raisins all over the viewer’s intelligence. And what the hell does any of this have to do with cockfighting in Puerto Rico? I don’t have a joke there. I just think the phrase cockfighting is really funny. Somehow makes me think of a duel between gay men. The bottom line: You’re about as sharp as a pair of kindergarten scissors.

MDA - Massively Dysfunctional Asswipe

This weekend, I turned on the TV just in time to see a drunk Jerry Lewis hosting the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon when he started mumbling incoherently and then called someone an “illiterate faggot”. He later apologized and said that he “holds no prejudice in that regard” and he “forgets that people don’t know him that well.” Are you frickin kidding me? Don’t know you that well, Jerry? Hell, the most shocking thing about this is we didn’t even know you were still alive! And then the way you remind everyone you’re not somewhere basting in formaldehyde is to make an anti-gay slur on live TV? Way to go, Jerry. Maybe next year you can make up a few funnies about black people or throw in a joke that starts with, “So a Jew, a Mexican and a Polock walk into a bar.”
You say that this distraction from the true purpose of the telethon “pains you deeply”? Let me tell you what I’d like to see “pain you deeply”… about 3 hours of sensitivity training that involve Senator Larry Craig , a low lit bathroom stall, a gallon of KY and a Celine Dion CD. And when you wake up in the morning and see that vase of a dozen panty-roses with a card that reads,

“I guess now you can call ME the nutty professor.”, Love, Larry…p.s. I left your dentures on the back of the commode.”

Then, Jerry, then you’ll truly be able to say you were “deeply pained”.

Crikey This!

This one has me more flipped out than Charlie Sheen’s wang. One year after Steve Irwin aka The Crocodile Hunter’s shocking death in the ocean, demands are being made for his secret autopsy report to be made public. Reports claim he may have been on prescription painkillers that could have clouded his judgment when he was killed by a stingray's barb last September. Drugs? Steve Irwin? Are you frickin’ kidding me? I mean he was purposely trying to piss off 12 foot crocodiles. What do you think? OF COURSE the dude was on drugs. Have you ever watched his show? Any normal human being who was being struck at by a giant rattlesnake would want to escape worse than Britney Spears’ kids. But not Irwin. Here’s a guy who put himself in front of cobras, he put himself in the water with sharks and he put his frickin’ head in the mouths of alligators. Damn, the only thing more dangerous he could have put himself in was Paris Hilton. Crikey! Look at those blisters. That there, mate, is one scary case of herpes. I’d rather wrap my wanker in bacon and dangle it in a crawfish hole than go spelunking in that cave of doom. And, frankly, getting into the ocean with a bunch of giant sting rays is crazier than using a piranha to shave the hair around my bunghole. So, let me save you some time. Was the Crocodile Hunter on painkillers? You’re damn right. Steve Irwin was probably more loaded up than a Wendy’s baked potato when he got in that water and he had every right to be. Crazy people need their medicine.

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