Friday, August 31, 2007

Liar, Liar Pants On Fire!


This one’s got me more rattled than Miss South Carolina in a Where’s Waldo tournament. After the details of his arrest come out, Idaho Senator Larry Craig not only says he shouldn’t have pled guilty but he also denies that he’s gay. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Let’s break down the name of your state. I-Da-Ho. You see, that’s an admission of guilt right there. And according to the report, the officer was in the bathroom minding his own business when you came in and started looking through the crack of the stall. Now, I think I can speak for about 90+ percent of all men when I say, if I see you eyeballin’ me through a crack in the door while I’m tryin’ to squeeze off a stink pickle, as soon as my, umm, paperwork is done, you’re gonna catch an ass whoopin’. BUT that’s not even the best part…you go onto to say that the reason you touched his foot with yours is because you use a wide stance. YOU GOTTA BE FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME! Wide stance? Well, I guess so cause you’d damn near have to be doing the splits to make that happen. Listen Senator, I’ve dropped my dirty payload in somewhere around 5,000 different stalls and if anyone needed a wide stance it would be me because my ass is so big it has its own zip code. Yet, somehow, someway, I’ve never managed to put my foot on another man while he was in the middle of breakin’ off a monkey tail. Senator, I couldn’t care less about your sexual preferences but in case you’re wondering or in denial, you’re gay. As a matter of fact, if you rub shoes with a man in the stall next to you then you’re fruitier than Elton John’s banana tree. But look on the bright side, Senator…at least from now on you’ll be able to wear your Rainbow Bright t-shirt on the senate floor.

Owen Wilson's a Bitch - Yeah, I Said It




You know what, call me an insensitive bastard if you will but when the news came out that Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide, I only had one thing to say: Are you frickin’ kidding me? I mean, come on, Owen. What are you sad about? Maybe it’s because your bedroom has accommodated so many hot chicks that it’s now a feature destination on travelocity? Maybe you’re sad that, at ten million dollars a movie, you can only afford wipe your ass with fifty dollar bills and not hundreds. And everybody knows they’re the softest! Come on, fess up, Owen? Did your momma not pack extra milk money in your lunch box when you were a little boy? Did you finally look in the mirror and realize that your nose looked like it had been broken more times than the American-Indian peace treaty? And now to top it off, rumors of rampant drug use have surfaced. And normally I might take that with a grain of salt but when frickin’ Courtney Love comes out and says she warned you about the drugs, you know you gotta problem. Hell, that’s like Rosie O’Donnell warning you about the dangers of the Baconator. Dude, we’re all pulling for you but you need to straighten up, quit being such a wussy and leave the drugs behind like Eddie Murphy’s baby.

Got Milk for your Angry Daddy?




This one has me more inflamed than that time I accidentally zipped up Captain Winky. For the past several weeks, on multiple websites, there has literally been a countdown until the teen star of Heroes, Hayden Panitierre, turned 18. Are you frickin kidding me? A countdown? Was that the countdown to when you freaks could finally yank your doodle dandy without feeling guilty? I mean, this girl is 18 years old, for God’s sake. I’ve got underwear older than her. For some reason, men are drawn to her like Senator Larry Craig to an airport bathroom. Why is this? Is it because she wears that ridiculously short cheerleader skirt that constantly reminds you that she has an ass that’s harder than penitentiary steel? She’s 18! Is it because her bikini baseballs are popping out of Mammary Park like a Grady Sizemore homer? She’s 18! And now the big news is that men are going nuts over her Got Milk commercial like it was porn. It’s a frickin’ advertisement for milk! What is the big deal about a hot, 18 year old girl with a creamy white substance all over her mouth?
Oh, for God’s sake, let me see that ad. (rustling sound of paper)

Holy Shiite! That’s frickin’ hot! No wonder guys across the country are putting out wood like a lumber mill. Hell, I would sell my own momma to the black market for just a half hour with Hayden Panties in the air or whatever her name is.

And now a word from our sponsor....


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Monday, August 27, 2007

Not a chance




According to my good friend, Tyler Durden, a rumor that Jake Gyllenhall might come out of the closet is making waves around the blogosphere.

Of course, we all know there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that dude could be gay. Want proof?
Here, Here, Here, Here and I think THIS ONE speaks to his manliness more than any other.

Yep, that’s pretty definitive. It’s more likely that I will fall down, hit my head on the toilet and invent time travel after a dream about something called the flux capacitor than Jake Gyllenhall being gay. Nobody calls Marty McFly a chicken and nobody calls Jake Gyllenhall gay. Now, where’s my DeLorean….





Master of TaeKwanDo-nut


This one has me more pissed off than a straight streaker who accidentally found himself in the middle of a gay pride rally. You all remember 90’s martial arts action star, Stevel Seagal, right? Movies like Above the Law, Hard to Kill and Under Siege made him more popular than Rosie O’Donnell at a cannibals convention. But for the past few years, Segal hasn’t been able to get any of his flicks into the theater. Why is that? Well, according to a recent quote from Seagal, every since 2002 when the FBI accused him of terrorizing journalists and associating with the mafia, he can only get roles in movies that go straight to DVD. And now Seagal wants the FBI to apologize. Are you frickin kidding me? So, lemme get this straight. Russell Crowe whipped a guy’s ass using his cell phone like a pair of numb chucks and he still gets good roles. Mel Gibson gets drunk, fights cops and makes anti-semitic remarks and still gets good roles. Hell, Robert Downey Jr went to jail so many times they actually named a frickin’ cell in his honor and he still gets good roles. But you, you want the FBI to apologize because your career went down like a $3 hooker? You see, Crowe, Gibson and Downey Jr. They have something in common. They could actually ACT. Your best attribute was that you used to be lean, mean fighting machine. So, is it the FBI’s fault that you quit snorting cocaine like a black and decker shop vac and instead of hitting the gym you hit the all you can eat buffet? You went from training with Master Lee to mastering Ship-ley’s. From using the Bear Claw attack to attacking the bear claw at the Quik-E-Mart. It’s hard to kick ass when you pack on about 80 lbs, ain’t it, Oh Master of Tae Kwon Do-nut? It’s tricky to get directors excited when your fiercest move is the Flying Gutbuster, huh, Sensei Pork Rind? Is it the FBI’s fault that audiences don’t wanna see a martial arts star whose ka-ra-te suit has to be custom tailored by a tent company and whose dojo is in the back of a Western Sizzlin’? So, Sensei spare rib, quit blaming the FBI for the fact that A) you’ve swelled up like an albatross eating a rolaid and B) that your movies are so retarded they should only be played on the shortbus.

According to several credible sources, NBC is giving real consideration to backing out on the agreement they have with Conan O’Brien to take over the Tonight Show in 2009. Why would they do that? Because Jay Leno wants to stick around a few more years. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Let me get this straight NBC, on one hand you have Conan O’Brien, who is not only frickin’ hilarious but actually appeals to audiences young enough to not be spiking their coffee with Metamucil. On the other you have Jay Leno who is as relevant to today’s youth as a hairbrush is to Vin Diesel. And then, just to add insult to injury, if NBC welches on the deal, they have to pay Conan a lump sum of 40 million dollars. Yeah, keeping Jay Leno instead of Conan makes about as much sense as Global warming being caused by Norweigian Moose Farts. Come on, Jay. You’re routine is more dried up than Whoopi Goldberg’s tumbleweed. You’re writing is about as sharp as an extra long butt sausage. You gotta go. You gotta pack it up like Michael Vick’s stink tube on his second night in prison. Hey, on the bright side, maybe you and Bob Barker could get together and trade prostate stories or oatmeal recipes. I would tell ya to keep your chin up but that’d be like asking the titanic to float in my bathtub. The bottom line, Leno: Jaywalk your ass to the house.

National FRUITball League Update !


First up, this one has me more disagreeable than Mike Vick’s anus on his first night in prison. Drug users, wife beaters, thugs and criminals….that’s right, it’s kick off time for the NFL. And could anything make more sense than having American Idol’s Ryan Secrest named as the host of the NFL’s halftime shows for the Superbowl. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Ryan Secrest? So, I guess Commissioner, Roger Goodell’s answer to all the thuggery messing up pro football is to just make it completely GAY? Who’s the lineup off that halftime… George Michael, Hannah Montana and the cast of frickin’ High School Musical? What’s next? The Dallas Cowboys announcing that their new conditioning coach is Richard Simmons? Maybe every team will have to designate the tight ends with sparkly pink jerseys and they’ll be sponsored by Summer’s Eve Douche or Tampax Tampons? How about covering the goalposts in rhinestones? Come on…..Ryan frickin’ Secrest. While I appreciate your efforts to clean up football, Commissioner Goodell, I really don’t have any desire to see football become FRUITball. The NFL is supposed to be about big, mean, bad-ass men smashing each other in the mouth to get to the endzone NOT to get into each other’s erogenous zones. The bottom line…If my choices are A) watching Ryan Secrest gay up the Superbowl or B) take a field goal kick to the groin from Colts kicker, Adam Vinatieri then I guess I’m gonna need the guys in the instant replay booth on standby so when he’s done I can locate my nuts. Just pray for me that they don’t hit the uprights.

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Houdini Lohan is at it again!




My good friends at Wizbang Pop say that, according to my other good friends at TMZ, that Lindsay Lohan has made good choices with (provided massive sexual favors for) her attorneys. The word on the streets…(and again, let me remind you that I do come from the mean streets of Bryant, Arkansas. DON’T YOU LAUGH! You think minding your business walking down the street when some punk in a 69 Chevelle Supersport purposely uses his tires to jettison water on you is child’s play? Hardly, my friends. That water could have some serious germs in it. Or I might catch a cold from being wet. Or, a pebble could hit me in the ear so hard that it cuts my lobe. That’s dangerous living.) …anyway, as you laugh at my pain, the word on the streets is that the District Attorney has opted not to pursue felony charges on Lindsay for DUI or for bringing a bag of frickin’ blow into the police station. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I could bring a plastic baggie with two crosstops so old they would have to get CSI to carbon date the shit and the next thing you know I’d be in a maximum security prison being turned into Jerry Don’s personal funhouse. All misdemeanors? Awww jiminy frickin’ tickle my nads Elmo. How the hell does that work? Well, I imagine it is very similar to my prison story. Only replace me with Lindsay Lohan and Jerry Don with her attorneys, the arresting officers, the judge, the bailiff, the dispatcher, the paddywagon driver…..hell, we don’t have time to cover the whole list. Just open the Hollywood, California phone book and all the people on the white pages. That should be pretty close to accurate. Anyway….sadly, stand by for the misdemeanor news that’s sure to set the tabloids on fire soon. Hell, me taking a dump is bigger news than that. She doesn’t even have to show up in court….I think I’m going to log off now and weep for a while.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Stand still, Amy....here it comes


Here’s a shocker. Amy Winehouse, who ironically has the hit single Rehab, overdosed this past week and had this to say about it: “It was just crazy - One of the most terrifying moments of my life. I don’t know how to explain what happened. I couldn’t recognize myself. I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Monday. I’m fine, honest.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? You don’t know how to explain what happened? Oh, well, allow me to explain. You see, that happens when you turn your nostrils into a Eureka Vacuum Cleaner and go sucking up everything in the damn house. Heroin, cocaine, laundry detergent, ajax. Hell, your husband was so full of dope, if you could’ve figured out how, I’m sure you would have tried to shove him up your nose. But it’s kinda hard to figure the logistics on something like that when you’re brain is toasted like a frickin’ Quizno’s sub, huh Amy? And one of the drugs reputed to be in your system was ketamine….a horse tranquilizer. Well jiminy frickin’ Christmas, what’s left for you to do, Amy? Maybe you could snort some mustard gas or smoke a few radioactive isotopes. I mean, damn, you’re so bad off on drugs that Snoop Dogg and Pete Doherty want you to “Just Say No”. Hell, your own LIVER signed up on E-Harmony and the profile said “trying to escape abusive relationship”. And as for your comment that you couldn’t recognize yourself. Yeah, see that happens when your drug habit causes ya drop so much weight that you make Kate Moss look like a lard ass. And apparently the drugs have affected your smile, too because it looks like you spent the better part of the last month gnawing on lug nuts. There are so many gaps in those chiclets I could drive a 78 Buick Electra through there. You’re way beyond everyday dental work. What your teeth need involves an assload of C-4 and a wrecking ball. Amy, you don’t need rehab you need a damn head transplant. Dumbass.

Brad Garrett has a big mouth


This one has me more outraged than Al Sharpton when he got his invitation to the Annual Pimps and Hos Ball. Another Brad in the news. You might remember Brad Garrett as the 6 ft 8 brother on Everybody Loves Raymond. Freak of nature, actor and now add racist to the resume. Ole Brad was being photographed by a black paparazzi and said, “I didn’t know there were black people in Malibu. Go back to where you came from.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? Did you just wake up from a two week drunk and think you were back in 1960? Because that joke is about as funny as clearing up my nagging hemmheroids with a frickin’ orbital sander. Hey man, Don Imus just called and said you were way over the line. Maybe next you could crack a line about sending him to the back of the bus or hell, why not just pull out your hood and hangin’ rope and get your lynchin’ on right there at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. Hey, Brad, it’s frickin’ 2007 and that comment fits about as well as Hillary Clinton in an extra small thong. I hope Al Sharpton attacks you like Paris Hilton on a meat popsicle and puts you through sensitivity boot camp that involves you being strapped in a chair with a pair of headphones repeatedly playing Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing while being abusively teabagged by Shaquille O’Neal and simultaneously kicked in the nuts by Gary Coleman and finally being brought to the Montel Williams show where it would be revealed to you for the first time that you’re the illegitimate love child of Wilt Chamberlain. My friend, you are nothing but a big pantload of turd slurpee.

Brad Gets Bitch Slapped - or maybe not


This one has me flappin’ my gums more than grandma that time I sold her false teeth in a yard sale. Angelina Jolie was quoted saying “I’ve never hidden my bisexuality, but since I’ve been with Brad, there’s no longer a place for that or S&M in my life”. Are you frickin’ kidding me? All of the sudden, how much does it suck to be Brad Pitt. Talk about getting duped. What, ya get married and all of the sudden whips, chains and leather thongs are tossed like a prison salad? Come on, Brad that makes about as much sense as a stripper in Pakistan. Are ya down to missionary position only on Wednesday nights after your couple’s bible study? We all know the main reason you hooked up with Angelina wasn’t for love and family. It was for the swingin’ from the ceiling, monkey sound makin’, blood vial wearin’, crazy, kinky sex… and now she pulls the rug out from under you? Admit it, there’s no way in hell you would have ever agreed to adopt 72 frickin’ kids and spend most of your time in countries where the water gives you the Flamin’ Hershey Squirts if you had planned ahead. I would have made damn sure our prenup included A) a clause REQUIRING Angelina to CONTINUE knocking mops with other hot, freaky chicks and B) a subsection mandating, that at least twice a week, Angelina dress up like a hot viking babe so she could rape and plunder my village of one. But instead, Brad, you let her go on the adoptapalooza tour and with all 132 kids at the house, I imagine your sex life now is about as exciting as a Catholic church without an alter boy. I never thought I would say this but, Brad, sucks to be you.

Mattell's New Line Up




At Mattell, we care a great deal about safety and we’ve gone to great lengths to recall every toy imported from China that was colored with lead-based paint. Now comes a new generation of better, safer toys. Leading the way, we are proud to announce Mattell’s brand new, counter-terrorism action figure, AJ Asbestos. We’ve replaced lead paint with top quality asbestos and now AJ will safely usher your kids into the war against terror. AJ features moveable parts and a fully-functional, miniature Glock 9 with tiny hollow point rounds. And what hero would be complete without a villain? Get ready for Akbar Anthrax. Akbar is a terrorist bent on our destruction and comes with realistic briefcase bombs with actual anthrax pellets in grape and cherry flavors. Hours of good, safe fun for everyone! And remember our new slogan: If you’re not a commie, pinko terrorist, you’ll buy Mattell Toys.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Kanye is a Komplete Klown


What the F***????? Is Kanye West for real? These look like those humongous retard sunglasses I won at the cakewalk when I was five and wore everywhere I went until my dad told me that the dog ate them. When I told him we didn’t have a dog, he just looked at me and said, “Who the f*** are you? Sherlock Holmes?”


Seriously though, how the hell can you make millions upon millions and dress like that? I might expect Pee Wee Herman or frickin’ Bozo the Clown to wear that sh** but Kanye West? Dude, P Diddy would whoop your ass. You have frickin’ LOUEVERS on your face. Yeah, those would be cool if they were on a Camaro in 1980. Wait, on second thought, they sucked then, too.


At some point, he looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I look good. I’m a regular ho magnet.” Yeah, I can’t wait until you show up with a hat made from a hubcap or an earring that's actually the metal ball you hook a frickin’ camper up to or an exhaust pipe hanging from your zipper. That always gets 'em, Kanye!


Moron.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Angry, Angry Box Office Weekend


The Angry Viewer knows these things! As I ranted about Friday, both Tranny-lovin’ Brett Ratner’s Rush Hour 3 and career killing, Cuba Gooding Jr’s Daddy Day Camp have bombed. See, RH3 may have made $50 mil but it took $140 mil to make. Can you say “no profit” boys and girls? And Daddy Day Camp? Are you frickin’ kidding me? I could put Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Scarlett Johannsen, Jessica Alba and Brad Pitt in a movie but if one picture of Cuba Gooding Jr flashed in the trailer….bust. Cuba kills movies. Sorry, dude. I like you. And, at least you make a million times more than I do…or will. Now that I think about it like that, you’ll find me at home, in the bottom of my shower curled up in the fetal position screaming, “Cuba, you bastard!!!!!!!!!!!”

Friday, August 10, 2007

Come on out, Brett......it's ok

Today Rush Hour 3 comes out and there is a scene involving a transsexual. Not a big deal. At least until director, Brett Ratner, says something like this: “That scene in Rush Hour 3 came from my personal experience. My first hummer was from a man, but I didn’t know it was a man. You meet a girl in a bar, and it turns out she’s not a girl. That happens to a lot of heterosexuals.” Are you frickin’ kidding me? No, actually that only happens to complete morons who are to drunk to recognize a five o’clock shadow and an adams apple that sticks out like the kickstand on a Harley Davidson. Even drunk off your ass, wasn’t it kind of a tip off that when she sounded like Darth Vader when she said she wanted to “polish the porpoise” ? Then you go on to say, “I’m not homophobic or uptight about it.” That’s pretty obvious by the fact that you are braggin’ about it like you bagged Jessica Alba in the back of the Chevy. But Brett, that wasn’t Jessica Alba that was JEFF Alba. If my choices were A) admitting that I somehow, someway, “accidentally” got worked down by a man or B) covering my manhood in maple syrup and gettin’ it on with an ant hill, then I guess I better get a couple gallons of calamine lotion and some benadryl cause it’s gonna be a long night. So, Brett, you go ahead and tell yourself it happens to a lot of heterosexuals if that’s what helps you sleep better, but really, the only thing I imagine helps you at sleep at night is spooning close to a man in a wig.

Just put it right there.....

I’d like to start with a special message to actor Cuba Gooding Jr. who has me more pissed off than superman wearing a kryptonite condom. Hello Cuba. New movie opens this weekend, huh? I believe it’s called Daddy Day Camp, right? Are you frickin’ kidding me? Daddy Frickin’ Day Camp? First of all, this is a sequel to Daddy Day Care, an Eddie Murphy movie that had a level of enjoyment that fell somewhere between passing a kidney stone the size of J-Lo’s ass and being catheterized by a quarter inch PVC pipe. Number two, Eddie said he wasn’t coming back and if Eddie Murphy says no to a movie, you know you should reject it faster than a liver donated by John Daly. But not you, Cuba. No, my friend. You are to movies what Eddie Murphy is to an unfertilized womb. You are a movie whore. You’ve made it clear that, if a dollar is involved, you’ll show up faster than Kirstie Alley on a Whopper with Extra Cheese. I guess when you said “Show me the Money” in Jerry McGuire, you meant that Shiite. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that if a director called you tomorrow and said, “Cuba, we’re doing a movie about a giant toilet and we want you to play the role of a freshly-baked batch of turds ahoy. The only question you would ask is “would that be with or without corn?”. Dude, you won a frickin’ Oscar for God’s sake. A FRICKIN’ OSCAR! At this point, that Oscar has about the same value as that disc I keep getting in the mail for a free 30 day trial of AOL. Cuba, If your movie goal is to make a longer string of turds than Yao Ming on an all peanut diet, then you’re a complete success. Otherwise, the next time you think about making a movie like Daddy Day Camp, I would just ask that you take that Oscar Statuette and kindly cram it up your bunghole. Then you might have some notion of how we feel when we have to sit through one of your movies. Thanks for listening.

Get "Em While They Last !


Arkansas football season is here and Hog fans want to show their support but if you’re like me you want something unique. Well, my designers at Angry Industries have created the perfect razorback collectible that will be the talk of the 07 Season. We all love Quarterback Casey Dick and, of course, Coach Houston Nutt so be one of the first to get the Limited-edition Dick-Nutt Sack. This stylish, fuzzy pouch holds a pair of balls that commemorate the 07 Blast Off. Any true Razorback fan will wanna let their Dick-Nutt Sack hang out at every game and show everyone their balls. And it even makes a perfect compliment to last year’s tribute to Robert Johnson. That’s right! Just hang your Dick-Nutt Sack right at the base of your Big Johnson Spirit Stick and you’ll have a symbol of dangling fury any Razorback fan can admire.


Sack picture via Your Nutz

Friday, August 3, 2007

Here comes the Organ Harvester!


This one has me more pissed off than Whoopi Goldberg’s new makeup artist at the View. Talk about drawing the short straw. Damn. But, back to business, it was announced that Paris Hilton has just landed a role in a movie musical about organ harvesting called Repo: The Genetic Opera. The director was quoted in Variety Magazine as saying, “I have auditioned at least 30 actresses for this role and Paris sang it better than all of them. Paris came in and owned it. She is this role." Are you frickin’ kidding me? Oh yeah, I’m sure she did beat out 30 other actresses when it came to “organ harvesting” and I would suspect the organ in question might also be referred to as a pajama python. Yeah, I saw her harvesting that very organ in the online movie she made… so he’s right. She IS that role. But the singing part….you gotta be frickin’ kidding me. If you’ve heard her CD you know that Paris is to singing what Amy Winehouse is to a healthy smile. Damn, girl. Shove a chiclet in that hole or something! But, back to Paris, I’m fairly certain that the other 30 auditions could have been Sanjaya Malakar, a few cats in heat, a frickin’ cockatoo and a recording of the sounds I make when I’m in the can breakin’ off a nappy buttstick and she still would have come in dead last. If my choices were A) watching Paris in a musical or B) spending an evening being tea bagged by Tommy Lee then I'm gonna need some soft candles, a Motley Crue CD and an EMT on standby to reset my broken nose when we're done. The bottom line: This musical is gonna suck harder than, well, Paris Hilton.

Jimmy Dean is Coming To Town




This one has me more amped up than OJ Simpson at a Ginzu Knife convention. Tired of every magazine flaunting virtually nude women, Jessica Alba thinks more magazines should feature penis. She tells Britain's GQ: Men's magazines have nipples so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? There's Playgirl but not a fashion magazine like Elle. "If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me...I've said I won't go naked in any of my movies, because I don't want to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see other people strip off!" Are you frickin’ kidding me? First of all, as hot as you are, why the hell do you need magazines to see naked dudes? That one stupid comment has probably unleashed the cracken. Now every single time you go outside, every single heterosexual guy within eyeshot of you will be bearing his rumpleforeskin for your viewing pleasure. Every time you open the door will look like the Jimmy Dean Sausage Convention has rolled up on your front lawn. Hell, I know you can’t even see people on the radio but I’m still bearing mine right now just in case. And second Jessica, oh queen of hypocrisy, the only reason you haven’t been completely naked in a movie yet has nothing to do with integrity or whether you “want to” or not. You are constantly going braless in public so everyone can witness you activating the wonder twins and after seeing you in Sin City working the stripper pole like a squirrel on a crack-filled acorn and then watching the Fantastic Four movies where you style a spandex suit so tight that even the outline of your suppository made an appearance, I am fully convinced that, as soon as enough zeros are on the end of the check, you’ll flash that chia pet like a billboard on the Vegas strip. I hope after you spend the next week or two getting up close and personal with some dude’s bagpipe on every corner that’ll you learn a lesson about dumbass comments like that.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor


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