Damn…..You know, just because Chicago and Dreamgirls are decent musicals does it mean that every Tom, Dick and Depp have to make one? Isn’t it bad enough that from the success of the Saw horror movies that I have to suffer through 12 new dumbass, slasher previews for every movie I see? How many frickin’ ways are there left to dismember someone? Apparently there are more and they somehow involve Broadway style singing. Yeah, that’s what I want my last moments to be like…..hacked up by a nutbag who has a fetish for West Side Story. Welcome to the world of Sweeney Todd, a musical about a serial killing barber. Yeah, I said it….a serial killing BARBER. A serial killing barber played by Johnny Depp. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
First of all, one look at Johnny Depp’s hair and you could tell he wasn’t a barber. Every barber I ever met had a name like Joe or Mert , was at least 50 years old, had a buzz cut like a former marine and only knew two subjects to talk about; the weather and baseball. From appearance alone, guys would immediately know that Johnny Depp was a “stylist” and didn’t know a damn thing about baseball. On that basis, a man would never let him near his hair but…..just for shits and giggles….let’s say a guy was having an off day and didn’t pick up the fact that ole Johnny looked like a transvestite with scissors. The second he started singing to that dude, Depp would catch a ridge hand to the throat and then be kicked while he was on the floor for about 7 or 8 straight minutes thus ending any chance of serial killing. Unless he was singing the theme song to The Dukes of Hazzard or The Rockford Files….in that case he might make it a few bars before we took him out but then we would have to run home and cry in the shower as we washed out the pain of inadvertently letting a man serenade us.
So, how is that we need a musical serial killer? Whatever happened to the good ole days when killers wore masks and didn’t say anything? Would Friday the 13th been nearly as popular if from behind the hockey mask Jason began to musically lament his upbringing? Could Michael Myers really have been menacing if his element of surprise was ruined by his toe-tapping rendition of Oklahoma? I mean what the hell?
I think what makes me angrier than anything is that somehow, someway my wife will drag me to the theater and I will have to endure this two hour musical terdfest which will somehow make a gazillion dollars. All because of Johnny frickin’ Depp. What is it about this guy? He should start a damn cult. In Pirates of the Caribbean he looked like he hadn’t bathed in a year and women still wanted to sleep with him. How can that be? If I float an air biscuit in bed I have to listen to 30 minutes worth of bitching…Johnny could take a dump on the bedroom floor and my wife would just giggle and take off her negligee. Yep, it’s official….I now hate Johnny Depp. I hate Sweeney Todd. I hate singing serial killers. Damn you, Johnny Depp.
First of all, one look at Johnny Depp’s hair and you could tell he wasn’t a barber. Every barber I ever met had a name like Joe or Mert , was at least 50 years old, had a buzz cut like a former marine and only knew two subjects to talk about; the weather and baseball. From appearance alone, guys would immediately know that Johnny Depp was a “stylist” and didn’t know a damn thing about baseball. On that basis, a man would never let him near his hair but…..just for shits and giggles….let’s say a guy was having an off day and didn’t pick up the fact that ole Johnny looked like a transvestite with scissors. The second he started singing to that dude, Depp would catch a ridge hand to the throat and then be kicked while he was on the floor for about 7 or 8 straight minutes thus ending any chance of serial killing. Unless he was singing the theme song to The Dukes of Hazzard or The Rockford Files….in that case he might make it a few bars before we took him out but then we would have to run home and cry in the shower as we washed out the pain of inadvertently letting a man serenade us.
So, how is that we need a musical serial killer? Whatever happened to the good ole days when killers wore masks and didn’t say anything? Would Friday the 13th been nearly as popular if from behind the hockey mask Jason began to musically lament his upbringing? Could Michael Myers really have been menacing if his element of surprise was ruined by his toe-tapping rendition of Oklahoma? I mean what the hell?
I think what makes me angrier than anything is that somehow, someway my wife will drag me to the theater and I will have to endure this two hour musical terdfest which will somehow make a gazillion dollars. All because of Johnny frickin’ Depp. What is it about this guy? He should start a damn cult. In Pirates of the Caribbean he looked like he hadn’t bathed in a year and women still wanted to sleep with him. How can that be? If I float an air biscuit in bed I have to listen to 30 minutes worth of bitching…Johnny could take a dump on the bedroom floor and my wife would just giggle and take off her negligee. Yep, it’s official….I now hate Johnny Depp. I hate Sweeney Todd. I hate singing serial killers. Damn you, Johnny Depp.
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