Please, dear God, will someone remind me why it is that I spend 6 hours a day in the gym and my diet consists of a Slim-fast followed by a tasty finger down my throat to purge my delicious, creamy aforementioned Slim-fast just so I can look like Matthew McConnawhatvererthehellhisnameis? Look at ole Jack Nicholson. He looks like just a few hours earlier he unhinged his jaws and swallowed an unsuspecting young gazelle just like that Hoagie sandwich. That Hoagie is silently screaming for another chance with Jared from Subway. And, yet and still, 70 year old Jack has at least five (my bad, six) nearly naked women on the boat. They were probably among a group of 700 who drew a number just like at the DMV and they were the lucky winners who get to be turned out by crazy Jack. My wife says Jack is sexy. I always said he wasn’t. Apparently she is the one who is correct and I must live in this crazy universe where sexy is not a lard ass, hoagie stuffing, sunglass-wearing, coke snortin’, crazy haired nutbag. My bad. And by the way, the entire first sentence was a lie. I never go to the gym and I am a lard ass. And Slim-fast is for wussies who can't handle the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet. But still, that should not diminish my point. Should it? I mean, being a hypocite never stopped me before. Why should it now?