Ya know….there are some people I just DON’T want to be mad at but they make me. And today you, my anger allies, get two for the price of one.
The first of my daily double has me as angry as Kirstie Alley at 2am when she realizes she just ran out of Ho Hos and the 7-11 is closed. As a kid, my favorite
hero of all time was Spider-Man. And, as you might imagine, when he finally came to the big screen I was as excited as Angelina Jolie at an all you can adopt foreign kid buffet. And, since 2002, Tobey McGuire has been the man behind the mask. Now he says he doesn’t want to be Spidey any more. Yeah, I guess it must really be a hardship puttin’ that $15,000,000 check in the bank, huh McGuire? I guess that kinda dough just don’t stretch the way it used to. But it’s not about the money. Nope. Not at all. Nosiree…..Ole Tobey McRetard says he just doesn’t wanna be typecast. Typecast? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME?????? Hey….ummmmm…..Tobey……let me give you a clue. Every single movie you have ever done COMBINED has not made as much as ONE Spiderman. Pleasantville, Cider House Rules, Seabiscuit…..frickin’ Seabiscuit? Yeah, lemme see here…..which do I wanna be…..a half-blind, washed up horse jockey or Spiderman…. Yeah, that’s a hard one. What is it Tobey? Do you need an Oscar on your mantle? Are you bored with the 1.8 billion chicks that wanna get in the web with you? Here’s a little peak at your future Tobey McDumbass…..you’re gonna pass on Spiderman 4 and Jake Gyllenhall, who by comparison makes your acting chops look like those of a bad Mentos commercial, is gonna step in and get the biggest payday of his life. And then a few years from now, after you have vanished into relative box office obscurity as a result of your next 6 movies making somewhere near 8 bucks, we’ll see you hawking platform shoes on QVC.
Number two on my list … the Geico cavemen. You know …the commercials about the cavemen who feel like they are victims of stereotype. Hey, I love those! That’s right…..I actually DO like something once in awhile.
But now they want to make it a TV series. Riiiiiigggghhhhhht. So they wanna take a 30 second joke and stretch it for a half an hour ….isn’t that a little like asking Barack Obama to become a black man? What’s next…a serial drama about the loneliness of the Maytag repairman? Or maybe a comedy about the gay relationship between the Sonic dudes and their foot long dogs. Come on…..a comedy about cavemen? How many jokes about the invention of fire can be made?
Trust me when I tell you that this show will be regurgitated faster than Nicole Richie’s lunch. And here’s a quick message to the TV executive who thought this was a great idea: Listen up, clown. I’m already forced to navigate my remote through craptastic shows like the Bachelor, Are You More of a Man than a 5th Grader and Dork Whisperer. I hope that exactly 10 minutes after this festival of terds wraps episode one that you find yourself blowing up your agent’s pager to see if that job at Dairy Queen is still available. You’re an idiot.
All I have left to say is……Are you frickin’ kidding me?
The first of my daily double has me as angry as Kirstie Alley at 2am when she realizes she just ran out of Ho Hos and the 7-11 is closed. As a kid, my favorite
hero of all time was Spider-Man. And, as you might imagine, when he finally came to the big screen I was as excited as Angelina Jolie at an all you can adopt foreign kid buffet. And, since 2002, Tobey McGuire has been the man behind the mask. Now he says he doesn’t want to be Spidey any more. Yeah, I guess it must really be a hardship puttin’ that $15,000,000 check in the bank, huh McGuire? I guess that kinda dough just don’t stretch the way it used to. But it’s not about the money. Nope. Not at all. Nosiree…..Ole Tobey McRetard says he just doesn’t wanna be typecast. Typecast? ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME?????? Hey….ummmmm…..Tobey……let me give you a clue. Every single movie you have ever done COMBINED has not made as much as ONE Spiderman. Pleasantville, Cider House Rules, Seabiscuit…..frickin’ Seabiscuit? Yeah, lemme see here…..which do I wanna be…..a half-blind, washed up horse jockey or Spiderman…. Yeah, that’s a hard one. What is it Tobey? Do you need an Oscar on your mantle? Are you bored with the 1.8 billion chicks that wanna get in the web with you? Here’s a little peak at your future Tobey McDumbass…..you’re gonna pass on Spiderman 4 and Jake Gyllenhall, who by comparison makes your acting chops look like those of a bad Mentos commercial, is gonna step in and get the biggest payday of his life. And then a few years from now, after you have vanished into relative box office obscurity as a result of your next 6 movies making somewhere near 8 bucks, we’ll see you hawking platform shoes on QVC.Number two on my list … the Geico cavemen. You know …the commercials about the cavemen who feel like they are victims of stereotype. Hey, I love those! That’s right…..I actually DO like something once in awhile.
But now they want to make it a TV series. Riiiiiigggghhhhhht. So they wanna take a 30 second joke and stretch it for a half an hour ….isn’t that a little like asking Barack Obama to become a black man? What’s next…a serial drama about the loneliness of the Maytag repairman? Or maybe a comedy about the gay relationship between the Sonic dudes and their foot long dogs. Come on…..a comedy about cavemen? How many jokes about the invention of fire can be made?Trust me when I tell you that this show will be regurgitated faster than Nicole Richie’s lunch. And here’s a quick message to the TV executive who thought this was a great idea: Listen up, clown. I’m already forced to navigate my remote through craptastic shows like the Bachelor, Are You More of a Man than a 5th Grader and Dork Whisperer. I hope that exactly 10 minutes after this festival of terds wraps episode one that you find yourself blowing up your agent’s pager to see if that job at Dairy Queen is still available. You’re an idiot.
All I have left to say is……Are you frickin’ kidding me?
No comments:
Post a Comment