According to sources, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, ''You don't need a husband to have babies” and she plans on having or adopting four kids by 2008. Are you frickin’ kidding me? You’re damn right you don’t need a husband to have a baby. With all the stuff swirling around in your uterus you might just spontaneously reproduce at any minute. Kind of like the big bang theory. Well, I guess, with you, Big Bang ain’t just a theory. And apparently you’ve been telling people, “I want a brood of little mini versions of me. I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world". Right, if by famous you mean the first kids in the world to actually get a DUI on a tricycle then I’m sure they will be. The idea of you as a parent scares me more than being partnered with George W Bush on Celebrity Jeopardy. You see, Paris, kids aren’t like sea monkeys. If you kill ‘em, you can’t just order another package from the back of a Mad Magazine. They’re also not Chihuahuas so you can’t just throw a few kibbles on the floor to shut ‘em up when they start yappin’ or blow your weed smoke in their noses just to see ‘em run circles around the rug. Well, unless you’re Britney Spears, that is. And to top it off, now I hear you want to design baby clothes. What would the name of that clothing line be? The Skanky Toddler? Babies Without Bottoms? Speaking of bottoms...let’s get to the bottom line: If my choices were A) thinking about you as a parent or B) watching a porno that starred my grandma and a donkey then I guess I’ll never look at Eeyore the same way again.
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