Monday Morning Clowns

1) Of course she said it wasn’t her.

A video released online shows Lindsay Lohan snorting loads of a white, powdery substance. I’m sure it was Tide detergent. You see, she had sinus infection that made a nasty smell in her nose and just wanted to have that Mountain Spring clean scent all night long at the club. Who of us can’t understand that? I mean, damn, give the girl a break. Does every white powder she puts in her nose HAVE TO BE drugs? Can’t a girl launder her nostrils without judgement?

2) Eu de WTF?

Kiera Knightly said, I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean. Ummmmm, no what you need is a new publicist who can shut you the hell up before you spout out something along the line that you also haven’t trimmed your “easy bake oven” since the last Cosby Show aired and that dental hygiene is too much effort. Please, someone, shut her the hell up before the teenage boy suicide hotline crashes from overload.

3) Pete Doherty is a Scientist.

Pete Doherty was arrested for the 1.8 billionth time this weekend. I bet you can’t guess why. I guess you have to be impressed, to some degree, that he has basically invented the first hybrid human being. Instead of blood, Pete’s circulatory system is completely made up of cheap whiskey and heroin. I guess everybody has to do their part for science. Kudos to you, Pete. I’m so inspired by Pete, that next week, I plan on swapping my blood out with gravy so that I can become the world’s first “official” lard ass. See, Rosie O’Donnell, you ain’t shit.

4) Go baby, go!

The Queen of England graced the Kentucky Derby this past weekend. Presumably to see her daughter in law, Camilla, race……..ummmmm……get it? See, she’s kind of a horse-faced looking woman. Ummm….she has really big teeth and a nasty English overbite….ahhh, forget it.

5) Add some cheese and you got a sensible snack.

Speaking of the Kentucky Derby, both Kid Rock and K-Fed were seen there. They actually had their picture made TOGETHER. To which Nabisco’s Ritz line management team called an emergency strategy session because they had never been “out-crackered” like that in public before.