Oh my God! I am so mad at you right now. Do you know how long we have been looking for you, Grandma? And then I see you there, walking across the parking lot smacking that same Dentyne gum you always used to have in your purse whenever you came to the house. Strange though, this picture gives me the oddest feeling that, instead of the sweet smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and summery sheets hanging on the clothesline, you now smell like three day old peach schnapps and stale smoke with a just a hint of lambskin with nonoxenol 9. (Amazing how my odd feelings are so detailed, isn’t it?) However, I am 100% sure that you are wearing the exact same horse hair wig and muumuu I last saw you in during the summer of 78. I bet those are even Grandpa’s old boots, aren’t they. I’m really mad as hell but if you’ll come home and read me Lost Little Puppy again I could probably find it in my heart to forgive you. ARE YOU FRICKIN’ KIDDING ME? Britney….come on……I mean, damn, did you just roll outta bed this morning and think, “I wanna look as trailer as I can today”? And what the hell is that on your head? Did you beat that raccoon to death with an umbrella this morning when you found it digging in your frickin’ trash can? And please stop wearing those boots. Contrary to whoever said so, boots DO NOT go with jammies. However, I do appreciate your personal efforts to help stop global warming by using that vortex on your face to suck in all the carbon dioxide. Hey, maybe that’s the problem. You’re only acting crazy because you’ve been trying to save the world from itself, right? Well…..DON’T. Please just let me go quietly to sleep as I lie next to the exhaust pipe on my 1983 Chevette. Good night, Grandma and I ‘m sorry I took apart your TV while you were taking a nap that day and you couldn’t watch your soap opera.
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