Say What?

In an interview with NME, a British magazine, Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards was asked something along the lines of what was the strangest thing he had ever snorted. First of all, who the hell asks a question like that? I probably would have answered “Your momma. I snorted her all day and night.” Of course, I probably would have had my ass whipped, too. I wish that dumb question was the end of the story. Now is the time you will really ask “Are you frickin’ kidding me?” What was Keith’s answer? He responded, “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated, and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said, adding that “it went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

I think the real question here is how the hell is he STILL alive? I think Keith Richards would have snorted a 78 Buick if he could have figured out how to get it fine enough to go through a straw. And I’m not completely sure I believe him when he says he’s “still alive”. Frankly, after that story, I am about 99% sure he is a flesh-eating zombie and has been since the late 70’s when he made a deal with the devil. You would think he could have at least bargained for good looks in the deal. I imagine it went something like this….

Keith: Hey there, devil man. I was thinking. If you could make it so’s I could smoke or snort anything I want for the next 60, maybe 70 years without dying I could pretty much give you my soul.

Devil: Ummmmm, yeah ok. You sure you don’t wanna be really good looking and be able to have all the women you want? Or at least be the greatest guitarist of all time?

Keith: Nope. The whole snort and smoke thing is cool. Well, there is one more thing. I think I wanna snort my old man when he finally kicks it.

Devil: Ummmmm….you wanna SNORT your dad?

Keith: Yeah, well his ashes, dude. Just for kicks man.

Devil: Yeah, ok Keith, I guess I can do that. Is that it….really?

Keith: Yep, I think so. I just wanna smoke or snort every single thing I can possibly roll up or get into a straw.

Devil: Done

Cue Devil laughing his ass off for the next 2 years straight. Can’t catch his breath and doubled over.

Yeah, in my mind, that’s pretty much how it had to be because any other explanation is just unbelievable.

Keith, you may be rich. You may be a decent guitar player. You may have more hits than 90% of every rock band in the world but you are a blithering moron with the IQ of a frickin’ pop tart.

Snort that.