This one has me more bent out of shape than Barry Bond's hypodermic needle. Maybe you’ve seen Illusionist Criss Angel on that show, Mindfreak. This past week Criss performed a Houdini-style trick in New York. First, he was put in a box of glass, then they filled it with concrete and suspended it 40 feet off of the ground. Twenty-four hours later the six thousand pound box crashed to the ground, only to the surprise of the crowd, Criss appeared on some nearby scaffolding. Are you frickin’ kidding me? First off…..To the surprise of the crowd? Who made up this crowd? A team from the Special Olympics? Criss, does anyone really believe you were in that box for 24 hours? Second, you spell Criss with a double ‘s’? The only way you could get any gayer than that is if you changed your name to Ryan Secrest. So, after the box crashed and you magically re-appeared like Kirstie Alley on a stack of blueberry pancakes, you said, “I’d like to dedicate this escape to my girl ‘Trouble,’ a.k.a. Cameron. I love you baby. Have a safe trip to Europe for your Shrek tour.” How sweet. In all honesty, I didn’t think Cameron Diaz could get a man any gayer than Justin Timberlake but compared to you Justin looks like Steven Segal…well, Steven Segal minus about 2000 buckets of KFC extra crispy chicken legs. Have you seen that dude lately? The only thing Steven Seagal chops now is some round steak smothered in white gravy. But I digress…back to Criss. The bottom line, you wanna impress me with an escape, Sweet Pants, why don’t you try escaping from my ex wife. I tried throwing a few smoke bombs and climbing out the back door of my Pontiac but I’ll be damned if she didn’t find me. If you can pull off that trick, you just might be the new Copperfield.
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