Here's my $30 - Kick away, Mr. Wino (Alternate title: Now I Know Why Dogs Do That)

This one’s got me more chafed than Spiderman that day he left his suit in the dryer too long. Everyone seems to be buzzing about Fantastic Four 2 – The Rise of the Silver Surfer. Another Fantastic Four?. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I was completely stoked to see the first installment of The Fantastic Four. But frankly, in terms of enjoyment, watching the first one ranked right up there with running through a lion's den wearing nothing but pork chop underwear. Don’t get me wrong, like any heterosexual male, I think it’s hot seeing Jessica Alba in that tight spandex suit. I mean that suit is so tight that you don’t just see the toe but the whole damn camel. But Jessica Alba playing a scientist? Come on….. that makes about as much sense as seeing a tornado and trying to take cover behind the Olsen twins. And then you have Mr. Fantastic getting married? Dude, what are you doing getting married? Let me get this straight…..you can literally stretch any part of your anatomy as long as you want and in any shape imaginable and you wanna get married? You GOTTA be frickin’ kidding me! Married is a definite no and with that superpower….I might, and I do mean I might, consider saving the world as long as it fit somewhere between me a) sneaking my super stretchy arm past white house security so I could repeatedly give George Bush an atomic wedgie and b) using my stretchy head to reenact what my dog spends most of his free time doing. And don’t even act like you wouldn’t give it serious thought if you were that limber. And what’s up with the computer generated Silver Surfer? For a hundred million dollars that the best they’ve got? He looks like someone spray painted Howie Mandel while he was naked and gave him a surfboard. The good news for you, Anger Allies, is that my psychic abilities allow me to review Fantastic Four 2 before I have even seen it. My rating for this movie is 3 ½ flushes because that’s how many it will take to get this colossal butt nugget down the waterway. But yet, somehow, someway, my kids will drag me to see the Fantastic Foreskins and the whole time I’ll be thinking that I could have had more fun if I had gone downtown and given that $30 bucks to a wino to just kick me in the nuts for an hour and a half.